Looks like I messed around and fell down a terrifying internet worm hole. No one to blame but myself in this instance. Sometimes you flip over too many stones and end up finding out you look like overweight R&B singers and Lil’ Flip.
As a result, I’m inconsolable. I tried to log off of my computer several times, but the images keep replaying in my head. No matter what picture of myself I choose, I’m still some horrible humanoid concoction of people I simply don’t have respect for. And let’s not forget the big elephant in the room here, guys. Forty years old. PicTriev didn’t even blink an eye when it came up with that number. In fact, nothing on my phone has ever loaded faster than my “assumed” age based solely on my picture. 4G LTE must have been waiting years for the perfect opportunity to fuck my life up.
Since everything ultimately has no meaning anymore, I figured I’d just look at all of my look-alikes and break down how horrible I feel about each one. You know, as a healing exercise or something.
Allen Iverson: 19%
Can’t be too mad at this one for my #1 look-alike. By all accounts, AI was considered a handsome dude when he was dominating the NBA and scaring the bejesus out of white people. It may be a reach, since I can’t effectively grow facial hair without looking like a homeless, but I’m not upset with this.
Antoine Dodson: 15%
And just like that, the train has fallen off the tracks. One second you’re an NBA scoring champion, the next you’re Mr. Hide Yo’ Kid, Hide Yo’ Wife. Absolutely no idea if this dude is dead or live right now.
As you will come to find out, this androgynous bastard highlights a troubling theme that will come up later in my look-alikes list. Spoiler alert: this shit said I look like Jill Scott, yo.
Busta Rhymes: 7%
If it was 1999, this would be pretty sweet. We’d be wearing our JNCO jeans, deliberating about posing as lesbians in AOL chat rooms, and Busta Rhymes would still be relevant. Too bad it’s 2015 and my last decent memory of Bussa’ Bus is him falling off a stage and cracking his head open because of vertigo or some shit.
Rashad Evans: 7%
Not familiar with MMA, but I’m fairly certain that this dude delivers serious fades for a living. In all honesty, I can get behind that. He scares the shit out me, but I can rally off of this information. Minus the blockhead look and the blank concussed stare, being confused with an MMA fighter can only result in less scuffed shoes at the bar.
Shannon Brown: 7%
“Hey Dub, anyone ever tell you how much you look like that guy that looked like a shittier version of Chris Brown and was trash at basketball?”
GTFOH. I mean, look at this shit:
Damon Dash: 6%
We’re back, baby! Right when I start to question my appearance and consider jumping off of various roofs, I get matched up with the .gif GAWD Dame Dash. Needed this morale boost desperately. When you’re spilling expensive vodka on video girls with piss poor moral values, life can’t be that bad, right?
Never thought that I would reach this point, but I guess we’re here now. The internet thinks I’m 6% woman and, as we all know, the internet is rarely wrong about anything. Guess I give off a wild saucy, estrogen-filled vibe of a proud black woman or something. Or this site is horrible and incredibly disrespectful to people’s self-esteem. Frankly, I’m most upset about this because Jill Scott isn’t even hot and now I feel weird that I want to be favorably compared to a hot girl. But such are the times.
For the record, I’m definitely more of a Zoe Saldana, but who’s keeping score anymore.
Paul Pierce: 5%
If I could be frank, Paul Pierce is toilet water personified. No offense to his basketball prowess and legacy, but being aesthetically paired up with The Truth is on the edge of being more offensive than Jill Scott. Pictriev says I look 5% like I dude that has been stabbed 11 times in the face. According to that math, my face looks like it’s been stabbed ~.5 times. I’ve had some razor burn here or there, but god damn Pictriev. God. Damn.
Lloyd Banks/Lil’ Flip: 5%
Coupled these two together because, well, what really distinguishes them? Nothing to see here but two mid-tier, Butler University-esque rappers that had a couple of hits, but are currently playing at your nephew’s bat mitzvah. Don’t get me wrong, Lloyd Banks could rap his ass off at one point and Lil’ Flip made “Game Over” which was just a fantastic time, but these guys aren’t rappers to be associated with at any point in 2015.
On the pantheon of “people white people thought I looked like due to subtle racism”, I never got called any of these names. Now I’m all sorts of destroyed mentally. Should I wash my face extra hard tonight? Maybe I should buy glasses. At the very least, I need to consider “accidentally” injuring my face enough to require facial reconstructive surgery. Just set this thing ablaze and start from scratch. Jill Scott, bruh?
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