No Matter How You Cut It, This Capybara Is Flourishing

Well, everything is different now.  All previous goals and aspirations have been tossed out the window.  If I'm not living as flawlessly as this capybara is living by Monday, life might as well be considered a failure.  

How this capybara got to this point, I don't know. I do know that I'm super jelz, though.  Dude had an itch under his nose and it was immediately attended to by three monkeys.  THREE.  I can barely get three people to do anything for me, let alone scratch my nose.  How much of a nerd am I that I decided to "work/make an honest living" instead of deciding to become a capybara?  My priorities are all sorts of fucked up right now.

I can't stress how wack it is that I have to scratch my own nose after seeing this picture.  

Hey Zara, It Happens.

WHOOPS.  Turns out little Susie can't waltz into 1st grade rockin' Auschewitz couture this year.  If you told 6-year old me that I couldn't wear my yellow-star striped shirt into class because it's what the Nazis wore, I'd be SICK.  Cocky move by Zara, but you definitely have to feel for the kid in this scenario.

Imagine being six and an idiot and not knowing the historical significance of your first day of school outfit.  You had a plan in place to stunt all over your punk ass friends and then society had to crush it.

The Obvious Response To The Michael Brown Tragedy

This is perfect (by "perfect", I mean horrible, obviously).  The first thing I thought about after I parsed through all of the facts involved in Ferguson was "What does DJ Khaled have to say about this?"  Thankfully, I will get my answer along with the answers from roughly 28 other rappers. 

Is a 47 minute rap song about the wrongful shooting death of an unarmed teenager in poor taste?  Perhaps.  But what IF, in the shocker of all shockers, Tauheed '2Chainz Tity Boi' Epps drops such an eloquent introspective view on the matter that it puts Don Lemon in tears?  Not positive, but I'm pretty sure that would end racism.

Imagine you're King Pharoah or TGT.  Not too well-known, trying to rise the ranks of the rap world and THIS is your first track.  Can't get all lyrical and double-entendre'y when deep-seeded social issues are in play.  Rock and a hard place for those guys.  

Speaking of lyrical, let's watch Nick Cannon get ethered by someone that took "Wild'N Out" far too seriously:

This Girl Turned Her Lips Into Famous Cartoons Because Society Is Going To Shit

People need to chill, man.  Develop a hobby, get in shape, maybe start writing a blog to complain about menial shit. I don't know.  Just something other than ruining my childhood please.

Also, you can't throw up "Genie" lips like that without paying respect to the late great, Robin Williams.  So overt, so mean.

If you're going to do Popeye, you can't shortchange him on the forearms.  I mean, those are big, but not radioactive spinach (aka anabolic steroids) big, ya know?  Mad disrespectful.

Got Bugs Bunny out here looking like a velociraptor/animated Chris Bosh.  This girl keeps finding lines to cross, man.

I know this isn't racist, but given the current racial landscape in America, I'm going to go out on a limb and be offended by this.  2014 - still terrible!

Well this is a nightmare.  Literally and figuratively.  But you know what?  There is still some dude that will go for it after a few Bud Lights and a shot of whiskey.  Because we don't care.

This one is actually really impressive.  I still hate you, random girl, but you can fux around with some stencils in the mirror better than most.  

Makeup Transformation Selfies Are The New Wave

You know what I say to this?  CLOSE ENOUGH.  We can all get into that fruitless "Jesus looked a certain way" conversation another time, but there is no denying what Yeezus looks like.  When you spit the verse he spit on "New God Flow" you earn the right to get brown MS Paint splotches tossed on the (literal) God in order to transform into the new GAWD.  Makes perfect sense to me.

These other ones do, too:

Hey bruh, the lipstick added nothing to this transformation, but whatever floats your boat, dawg.

I mean, if you never "woke up like dis", did you even really wake up?  Are you even alive?  Can you even?  Are you literally dead?  

Any opportunity that we can remind ourselves that JT looked like a Grade-A asshole, we have to take it.  Can't let him get too big for his britches, ya know?

The way I see it, any time you can put a cat on top of your head, you have to do it.  This dude probably puts cats on his head all of the time and patiently waited 30 years for a scenario so topical enough that he can say all of it was worth it.  Probably.

2014 has been a terrible year.

Sometimes You Clear The Hurdle In Steeplechase And Sometimes You Die

Call me crazy, but I kind of like the approach by this guy.  Sure, he's dead and what not, but he really went for it.  Like, there is no denying that this dude was trying to win this race and basically lived out the overall concept of 50 Cent's hit album "Get Rich or Die Trying" minus the 'any possibility of becoming rich' part.

Yes, MAYBE he could have fallen more gracefully and defended his face from smacking directly onto the track, but people would have obviously questioned his effort if that happened.  When you evacuate the use of all of your extremities in the final stretch of a race, it can be confirmed that you actually gave a shit.  RIP, though.

  

Friendly PSA: if you ran track competitively and you weren't a sprinter, you were a nerd.  I'm sorry.

Yet Another App Has Been Made To Keep White People Away From "The Ghetto"

I don't think any group of people hate anything more than white people hate accidentally ending up in the ghetto.  Granted, I'm not a fan of unexpectedly ending up in a random ghetto either, but, ya know, I just turn around.  Don't need to make an app (SketchFactor) for it or scream from the highest mountain about a sudden and terrifying influx in minorities.  Just do the standard, "Oh shit, I have to leave IMMEDIATELY" to yourself and hit a quick U-Turn, like normal people.

Hopefully their logo is understated and doesn't raise a sliver of controversy:

Oh, sweet.  It's a black-faced bubble icon with "sketchy" looking eyes.  Understated and most definitely not racist.  Nope.  No sir.  Know why it's not racist?  

Rule #1 of not being racist is to state, overtly, that you're not a racist.  An old trick from the Civil Rights era.

Sing it, Dave!

Whoops, Little Russy Simmons Turned Into Sonny From "I, Robot"

Hey, ya know what?  It happens.  Sometimes you wake up one day and you become a robot with no emotions, thoughts, or melanin.  The b/w Instagram filter sometimes giveth and other times it makes you look like you run on triple-A batteries.  

Maybe the lack of fame post-Run's House has finally took it's toll.  Perhaps his facial expression is just a web page that hasn't loaded yet.  We'll never know.  

The Sweatpants-Jeans Hybrid That We Never Asked For Is Finally Here!

For those situations where you want to just relax on the couch, but your boy might call you and ask if you want to go to the club even though you don't want to go, but you don't want anyone calling you a bitch behind your back so you end up going even though you're definitely not changing out of your sweatpants.

You like sweatpants, but you hate drawstrings, being gainfully employed and you also kind of like jeans.

For the man that has seen too much shit in his life to really care about the logistics of where/how he pees in a pair of sweatjeans

I might play basketball after school and these pants just make sense

"My left leg just fell asleep. HA! Get it?! Because it's being lazy and wearing sweatpants.  LOLOLOL"

The "I haven't caught a bid in awhile so let's just expedite the process" look of the summer

Couldn't think of one good thing to say about these pants.  Ya know what?  The best thing a guy can do in a situation like this is recognize that he's been defeated.  That's right.  I'll take the L to this godless article of clothing and live to fight another day.

New Wine Bar for Terminal Patients in France

h/t Reuters

I'm not gonna lie, I absolutely love this move by France. Already got a stranglehold on the wine game, so why not get their foot in the door of the not-being-little-pussies game. What's the point of getting between a terminally ill person from his/her blackout induced hookups and Sunday morning sweats anyway?

What do you think of when you think of France? Cheese eating, stuck-up, pencil thin mustache having whiny punks, right? Look. Tough beat for France, but we pretty much all view them as pussies. Like the Irish are drunks, the Russians are criminally insane, Australia is pretty much one big bar fight, and the French are pussies. Just the natural order of the world. That's why this is an Eiffel Tower sized middle finger right in the haters' eyes.

P.S. Way to totally steal my thunder, France. Anybody who really knows me knows I plan on living the shit out of life when I a) get old and decrepit or b) get a terminal illness. I'm talking getting an IV of sweet sweet booze. Blow in the morning, blunts at night, maybe dabble in some heroine. So thanks, France, you fucking pussies. Way to make me look like a copy cat.