This Face Wash Will Make You Feel Like a Champ

Because it's such a fucking loser and every time you fail the bar exam or blow off your child's birthday party to snort lines in a grocery store parking lot with your coworker, you're still doing better than this shit-ass cleanser. Say Yes to Carrots Exfoliating Facial Cleanser is an insult to cruelty-free cleansers everywhere. Washing your face with goat urine is likely more effective. If this slime doesn't even rinse off, how dare it identify as an exfoliant? Someone's got some explaining to do. I blame a scientist who went on break and forgot to tell her lab assistant (why can't the scientist be a woman?) to add .15 ml of [something that does anything at all - I'm clearly not a scientist].

In case you were wondering, I've been busy for the last month or so, surviving adult chicken pox and trying to wash off this Everlasting Gobstopper of cleansers. Furious tears streamed from my burning eyes as I rewashed my face with battery acid in a fit of rage, or, technically, Dr. Bronner's mild baby soap.

Just Say NO to Say Yes to Carrots.