Puffy Cheese Snacks: A Comparison

I was in Portland last weekend (the Oregon one) so obviously I had to stop shaving and wearing makeup because if you give a dick about your appearance they know you're an outsider. I also didn't wash my hair for four days because I commit to that shit. My friend was throwing a backyard-fire-pit party so naturally, we stocked up at Trader Joe's for supplies, even if it is the Walmart of Natural Foods.

In addition to making some bomb cookies, I bought some Trader Joe's brand Cheese Puffs.

These are "feel better about yourself for eating shit food", reduced fat, "natural" cheese puffs. They're pictured here resting on what is so obviously a Mac keyboard because Mac people eat healthier - it's just a fact. But based on my "experiment," these orange-tinted turds were weak out of the bag. The crunch was half-assed, like the manufacturer tried the third attempt and said, "Close enough. Who else wants to get out of here at a decent hour tonight?" As the evening wore on, the puffs became increasingly flaccid and chewy, like the exposure to air was killing them like a fish out of water.

Compare that snack abomination to the Planter's Cheez Puffs of yore.

These were bright orange, probably designed to survive nuclear war, tasted cheesier, and stayed crunchy for weeks. Weeks! Look at Mr. Peanut. He's happy to endorse and enable: "Hey kids, look at my friendly smile. And I have a cane and a monocle! I'm adorable. Go bonkers for these balls!" But they're discontinued. So the search for the perfect puffy cheese snack continues.