Life's All About Keeping Your Head On A Swivel

Sure, maybe this child is permanently scarred and the bunny got eviscerated, but life lessons were definitely learned.  You can't go through life being coddled.  You have to develop good habits, street (grass) smarts and know the dangers around you at all times.  This bunny thought it was on easy street (grass) and didn't consider the high populations of hawks in the area.  Dumb.  We should all learn from this.

PS. This shit is HILARIOUS

PPS. I imagine this is how college works when parents drop their attractive daughter off and drive away.

What's The Opposite Of DVR? Because I Need To Do That For The Next Season Of HBO's "Girls"

Don't get me wrong, I'm not the President of the He-Man Woman Haters Club.  The show just sucks.  It's just like any other bad show in the fact that it's not entertaining, but unlike one in the fact that it's so "critically acclaimed" and well-received.  Doesn't make a lick of sense.  Oh wait, it does.  There are like 5 million 22-28 year old girls in New York City that think this show is "just like US!"  Yeah, once you forget that someone gave Lena Dunham a 7-figure book deal for being tough to look at on television, you're basically the same, ladies.

Here's how you fix this:

Much less of this:

Absolutely no more of this:

A little more of this, but not too much, since her character sucks too:

Hate these guys:

Don't even think my brain registers that these two are on the the show:

Done and done and done.  Dub Jeezy's tried and true methods on making HBO's "Girls" turn from a D+ show to a C- show.

I Think Rihanna Put Teyana Taylor On Burn Notice

So this is Rihanna's Twitter background right now.  Plain and simple, that's a Super Mario fireball right on Teyana's face.  I'm not following the brawl because it looks like your standard cat fight that really has no start or end point, but it appears that shots have been fired.

I don't know too much about Teyana other than the fact that she can put together a mean hashtag and is the General of the Butterface Army.  On the flipside, I know way too much about Rihanna.  "We Found Love" has been my favorite song for like 621 consecutive days.  Also, I definitely know that $90M is 89 1/2 million dollars more than $500K.  Math is math.

PS. Can I just have that ".8" amount of Twitter followers that Rihanna has?  It's still downright criminal with the amount of people that read this blog daily that I don't have more Twitter followers.

Be part of the solution, not the problem: @WMsDiary

Chris Bosh Went A Weird Route With His "Nickname" Jersey

*The NBA is having a "nickname" game with the Nets vs. the Heat on some date that I will not be circling on the calendar.  Once I saw this was happening, I worried for Chris Bosh.  He and only he could screw this up.  Guess what?  He did.

Nah, incorrect choice.  You only had a few options and you Bosh'd the shit out of it.  People think you're weird to begin with and you had to go with the 2 Chainz elongated "YAAASSSSS."  Bad play.  Don't worry there's still time to make some changes

Option 1: 

Timeless, relevant, and topical.  Also, Comic Sans is such a Bosh move.  This is choice #1 exclusively because of:

Option 2: 

Not necessarily a nickname as much as it is a declaration of a previously known fact.  Can't live a lie forever, Christopher.  You're a slice right out of the Mesozoic Era.  Own it.

You had options, man.  Were you in a time crunch?  Strapped by a "send in your nickname by noon" deadline?  That's the only explanation.  Clean it up.  I expect better come game time.

Bonus jersey that's not really a jersey at all and just a .gif.

Like a Bosh, indeed.

Big Fan Of This Creepy Slow Loris

Not mad at this Slow Loris one bit.  Does he looks like he cares that he is being photographed looking down Rihanna's shirt?  Absolutely not.  Creeper game on 1000. It probably took him no less than 45 minutes to climb onto her back and get the perfect viewing angle.  I say he earned it.

Life doesn't give you too many fair shakes as a Slow Loris.  You're slow as all fuck and perpetually on the verge of becoming extinct. When life gives you Rihanna slut boobs, you have no choice but to make lemonade.

PS. Is anyone surprised that Rihanna caused a loris-related international uproar in a city named Phuket?  Anyone?

Pitching with Glasses: Acceptable or No-Go?

You guys might not know this about me but I play DIII college ball. Nbd but really kbd. I may not be (and by "may not be" I mean "am definitely not") one of the best on the team or anything like that but I can make a deuces wild call like none other. My in-game stats may not be eye popping. But look at my teammates' numbers when I'm running "2s" on the bench and my numbers become HOF worthy.

So yesterday we played a doubleheader against a school in our conference. Nothing too serious, just a tune-up kind of game to shake out the cobwebs. Naturally nobody wanted to be that guy who gets too fired up about a fall ball game but then I saw them.

This kid pitching for the other was rocking the worst glasses in the league. No contest. Not just rec specs bad, but two-bit-noodle-version-of-Rick-Vaughn bad. And it sparked the question in my mind: is pitching with glasses ok? Like is that a normal thing to do? Because I don't think it is. I see a kid like the pitcher yesterday and I feel it in my plums. It's just wrong. What do you guys think?

 

Follow me on Twitter: @SmeeshWMD







Incredibly Fat Baby Has Gastric Bypass Surgery

Yup.  That semi-thick black line is really hiding your identity, bro.

So this kid is awesome.  Just a tremendous amount of weight packed on in such a short amount of time.  It appears that he also had to get a full size bed sheet transformed into the first child moo moo.  I think I need to sit with this kid at McDonald's, tell him to order whatever he wants and just listen to his outlook on things for a few hours or whenever he gets tired of eating.  All in all, I'm into this lifestyle.  Keep eating.  Become morbidly obese.  Have highly invasive surgery.  Repeat.

Can't imagine what this kid's college admissions essay is going to say (*if he makes it) regarding, "Please explain a time in your life when you faced adversity." 

-"I was born, became CRAZY fat in like 2 years, had tons of gastric bypass surgeries and basically repeated that exact lifestyle up until now."

The End

PS. Baby Dub didn't appear to be a slouch either:

Props to mom for putting me in some wildly gender-ambiguous clothing to draw your eye away from those voluminous biceps and thunder thighs.

PPS. We'll never know whether or not that hat was attached to the suspenders.

I Mean, Well, Um.

Serious question: How come my checks don't look like this?

Do you have to be a certain level beyond "I ain't shit" to acquire that table on the left?  THEY WERE DOING MATH ON HIS CHECK.  I'm poor.  We're all poor.  I guess the play is have as many sons as possible, let them continuously beat the shit out of each other and hope the eventual winner gets to do math on his checks one day.  Only choice left honestly.  Life sucks.

You can be dumb and think you're living well/happy, but I'm going to embrace the new lifestyle I'm going to develop right after this blog.

Breakfast: Fiber on top of fiber.  Plus I'll have like 20 pieces left.  Cut some in half and that's food for a month.

Lunch: Lots of water.  Poor people don't eat lunch.

Dinner:  Tons of options here.  It's the idea of ham with the versatility of a every food in the world.  

#NotBlessed

Hey Tiger. Your Face

I think this tiger is wearing an iParty "Tiger Mask" on its regular tiger face.  Can't get a read on it, but I can tell you one thing, I like this guy.  He's just rocking the bulldog look with confidence acting like there isn't something very wrong. 

I think I need to add this guy to the WMD team as the official mascot.  Nothing screams middling blog like an awesome tiger, right?

UPDATE:  This is Kenny.  He has down syndrome.  His mother and father were brother and sister.  His face looks like that because he was dealt a terrible hand in life.  He's still killin' it and having fun.  I'm a bigger fan having found out this information.  Not letting adversity stop him from doing tiger-related shit.  Upgrade "need to add" to "must have this guy on the WMD team."

Puffy Cheese Snacks: A Comparison

I was in Portland last weekend (the Oregon one) so obviously I had to stop shaving and wearing makeup because if you give a dick about your appearance they know you're an outsider. I also didn't wash my hair for four days because I commit to that shit. My friend was throwing a backyard-fire-pit party so naturally, we stocked up at Trader Joe's for supplies, even if it is the Walmart of Natural Foods.

In addition to making some bomb cookies, I bought some Trader Joe's brand Cheese Puffs.

These are "feel better about yourself for eating shit food", reduced fat, "natural" cheese puffs. They're pictured here resting on what is so obviously a Mac keyboard because Mac people eat healthier - it's just a fact. But based on my "experiment," these orange-tinted turds were weak out of the bag. The crunch was half-assed, like the manufacturer tried the third attempt and said, "Close enough. Who else wants to get out of here at a decent hour tonight?" As the evening wore on, the puffs became increasingly flaccid and chewy, like the exposure to air was killing them like a fish out of water.

Compare that snack abomination to the Planter's Cheez Puffs of yore.

These were bright orange, probably designed to survive nuclear war, tasted cheesier, and stayed crunchy for weeks. Weeks! Look at Mr. Peanut. He's happy to endorse and enable: "Hey kids, look at my friendly smile. And I have a cane and a monocle! I'm adorable. Go bonkers for these balls!" But they're discontinued. So the search for the perfect puffy cheese snack continues.

Eagles Blog Week 2

Did anybody at all feel even remotely comfortable when the Chargers offense came onto the field with 1:55 remaining in a tie game? Because I didn't that's for damn sure.

Anybody feel comfortable with fucking Nick Foles running the offense on 2nd and goal? Me either.

The defense needs work, that's obvious to pretty much everyone. Cary Williams, the supposed calming veteran presence in the Eagles' trainwreck of a secondary, got flagged 3 times for pass interference calls in very important spots. The D-line only sacked Philip Rivers' whiny ass 1 time, and I'm surprised they even did that considering how little pressure they were able to apply. Basically get ready to see the defense from the 2nd half of the Redskins game, not the first half.

Our lord and savior Chip Kelly, though he is the smartest man on the planet, made a few questionable decisions that certainly did not help the Birds' cause today. Front and center of those is the decision to use his time-outs at the end of the game, giving the Chargers the opportunity to run more plays and give Novak an easier field goal. I'm racking my brain trying to come up with how that might have helped us but for the life of me can't figure out why he did that.

But, hey, 1-1 is good for a share of first in the NFC East, so there's that.



Reason #10230 Why I Can't Have A Daughter

Hmm, psycho gremlin daughter stealing my iPhone 5CS fingerprints so she could invade my phone and try to sext with all of her friends?  Nah, I'm good.  And yes, I think kids will be sexting in Elementary School within the next 20 years.  We already have baby DJs, it's not far-fetched.

You know what a son would do?  He'd take the phone out of daddy's hand and drop it in the toilet.  That's what boys do.  We're idiots.  Louis C.K. said it best, "Boys do monetary damage and girls damage your soul."  Mom is in on this too.  Just a legion of women fucking with dad while he's napping.  Guess what, Mom?  That girl is going to grow up and go on a date with an idiot boy.  Then what?  All we do is break stuff, look for ass and then settle down.  That's our M.O.  Looks like there aren't too many protection options aside from home school, locking her in the basement (finished basement, of course) or killing tons of idiot boys.  I'm fine with all three of those options.  

Boys will sometimes punch each other in the face for no reason.  I've done it and it's happened to me.  We're stupid.  A girl will find out what hurts someone most and use that to their advantage later on because they're crazy.  Mind assassins.

PS. I'm going to undoubtedly have 3-5 smoking hot daughters with no morals whatsoever. 

There's a Dog In There Somewhere

It's really hard to fight the impulse to find this dog, lure it with treats, douse it with (green, of course!) cleaning products and let it go rabid crazy on my filthy crack den of a flat. Because this monster would ruin a bitch. But such a bottomless fury of anxious shedding could never seduce me into keeping it as my pet. Unless it was the size of my iPhone.

I bet you're wondering where I've been. Full truth: this WAS my dog. I was trapped inside it until like 10 minutes ago.

There Are DJ Classes For Babies Now

Because it's never too early to mold a douchebag.  

Fedora? Check.  Mixer that doesn't really do anything? Check.  Macbook Pro that allows you to switch songs on iTunes essentially rendering everything you do useless? Check.

Poor kid.  He's an asshole before he can even formulate exactly what an asshole is.  Never had a chance.  All he has to look forward to is a future of wearing large headphones that may or may not be connected to anything, moving knobs that change nothing, and waving his hand in front of a crowd of twentysomethings on Molly.  Oh, and he might even have some emotionless sex with a drugged out girl that "really liked his set."

There's no faster track to getting beat the fuck up than being the kid who DJs in elementary school.  If you're not playing an actual sport, the guys are playing tag, the girls are jumping rope and the poorly adjusted introverts are digging dirt in the corner (I was a dirt digger until age 8 so I have perspective, guys).  If you don't fit in this mold, I'm pretty sure everyone just wants to fight you.  Not a good look getting beat up by the dirt digging kids, DJ baby.  Not a good look at all.

PS. Wait, these classes are in Brooklyn?!!  Color me shocked.  That'd be the place I'd least expect something like this to happen.

Hair Fishing Guy Playing Chess While the Fish of the World Play Checkers

 

Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish and you feed him for a lifetime. Teach a man to fish with his hair and it won't be long until there are no fish left.

 

I mean look at fucking Jake Seeland over here. Just playing chess while all these fish are playing checkers. Always 3 steps ahead.

 

I'm calling it now. Give your boy Jake a year and there aren't gonna be fish in Cape Cod or wherever these dudes are anymore. 5 years and he'll have a monopoly on the fishing industry. Billion dollar industry all to himself.

 

P.S. Love the guy at the end pointing at the camera yelling "That's what's up" like a jackass. Bro, you didn't do shit. Do you really wanna be famous for being "the guy who caught fish with his hair's friend"? Lowest of the low.

 



Peyton Manning. Quarterback. Rocket Arm. Euphoric Marijuana.

Probably the best high for about 95% of the time until it suddenly and inexplicably stops working right at the end of the 4th quarter day.

PS. No head gets more scrutiny than Peyton Manning's head.

United We Stand

As a nation, we were sucker punched, knocked down and broken.  We mourned and will continue to mourn those that we lost and honor those who risked their lives to save others.  One thing that was never broken, though, was our resolve.  The Freedom Tower represents all of that.  It represents that infamous day.  It represents the lives that ended too soon.  It represents the fact that there are real life super heroes among us.

We cleaned our wounds, got back up and rebuilt.  Because that's what we do.

Poo-Pourri Just Flipped The Entire Poop Game Upside Down

^Girls pooping is NEVER funny and not real. Like unicorns.

As embarrassing as this sounds, my life has significantly changed based on this information.  Like drastically.  One time, I almost jumped  two stories out of my girlfriend's bathroom window to run to a CVS, buy a Febreeze and come back before she thought I died.  It got THAT real.  First, let's address a few things:

1) 

Concept is good, but the execution is fucking preposterous.  Does Poop Spray now belong on the "leaving the house checklist" with Wallet/Phone/Keys?  I simply can't imagine worse things falling out of your pocket than poop-cover up spray.  Social suicide.

2) 

This might be the most disgusting picture that I have ever seen.

3) 

Quite possibly the most well reviewed product in Amazon history.  They aren't cocky at Poo-Pourri, they're confident.  When you target 3.5 billion dudes that are trying to avoid the poop-related ramifications of dealing with 3.5 billion women, you strike gold.

Obviously I clicked "Confirm Purchase."

PS. Rap Game, Jody Highroller.  Poop Game, Arnold Palmer.

What We Learned from Tonight's Eagles/Redskins Game

This goes out to all the Philly people out there reading WMD. I don't think anyone expected this win less than we did. Not saying that we won't brag about it anyway, just saying we didn't see it coming. Anyway, here are our 2 main lessons from tonight.

Michael Vick is Still Good (when played the right way):

 It's no secret the Eagles O-line is pretty horrible. Which is why last year when they were missing their Pro Bowl left tackle, Jason Peters, Mike Vick got hit a lot more than usual. And he usually gets hit a lot. So while Andy Reid's "throw downfield literally every play" strategy left him unprotected against a full pass rush on most plays, he played badly. Not really a shocker.

So Chip Kelly and his genius math brain did the logical thing and tailored an offense filled with quick passes and multiple quickly developing options. Today showed that offense will play to Vick's strengths and allow him to be a good quarterback again instead of, you know, having to drag his crushed, lifeless legs off the field after being sacked 3 times in a row.

The New Offense Tires Everyone Out:

Literally everyone. During the first half the Redskins took turns faking injuries just to give their defense a breather and actually cramping up because they couldn't keep up with the pace of the Eagles offense.

However, the second half was another story. The Eagles looked just as tired as the Redskins did in the first half which lead to general shittiness. If this team is going to have success this year, they're going to need to balance the tempo to keep the other team guessing while being able to bring 60 minutes of intensity.

1-0 Baby:

Overall, not a convincing win but an encouraging one. Both the offense and the defense played well for most of the game. They also played really really poorly for some of it as well. So we'll see which team shows up for the rest of the season, I guess.



Daft Punk's "Get Lucky" On Mario Paint

Nerds are amazing.  Sometimes I wish I never played sports and pursued an active social life so I can have the ability to do shit like this.  Sure, maybe I'd be 300 lbs, never have a girlfriend and probably be wildly depressed, but god dammit I'd be talented.  If talent was measured by creating modern day songs with 20 year old Super Nintendo games, of course.

My nerd Hall of Fame achievements can boil down to two things:

-Caught all 151 Pokemon.  Legit went to a mall to acquire Mew

-Cried while playing the mine level in Donkey Kong Country.  Sucked it up, stayed up until 4am to beat it.

Obviously neither of those come close to this level.  So jealous, yet so not jealous.  Keep doing your thing, dweebs.

FanDuel Fantasy Football: Will The Rookie Quarterbacks Have Any Fantasy Value?

The Buffalo Bills and New York Jets have fully committed to the rebuilding process when they named EJ Manuel and Geno Smith respectively to be Week 1 starters. Going with rookie quarterbacks are a risky proposition for any NFL team, but several clubs have had recent success. From a daily fantasy sports perspective, will either quarterback actually turn into a nice option?

There seems to be a load of talent around the NFL at the quarterback position, so breaking into the top 10 or even the top 15 is a difficult thing to do. People who play daily fantasy sports are more likely to target either rookie, basically because it is all about matchups. Manuel and Smith might not be a weekly start, but in a favorable matchup, they may be worth the risk.

As far as who will be the better option between the two, right now Manuel is going a bit higher. The Bills probably have a bit more offensive firepower at this point, and he does not have another quarterback on his heels like Smith does with Mark Sanchez. Buffalo plans to run a hurry-up offense this season as well, which means the rookie from Florida State will get a lot more plays than the average signal caller.

Thanks to Sanchez’s shoulder injury, Smith is the starter for the time being for the Jets. He will have to play well to hold onto his job, and his weak preseason already has some people worried. Do not expect him to be drafted much in daily fantasy sports, but he does have sleeper potential down the road.

In the last two seasons, rookie quarterbacks have gone on to great seasons for their team and for fantasy owners. This 2013 class might not be as strong, but they are worth keeping an eye on to start the season.

I Didn't Know How To Get Into A Pool Until Jay Z And Beyonce Showed Me

True Life: I Don't Know How To Get Into A Pool 

Seriously.  I don't.  White people Some people toss up the rock and roll sign and double backflip into the deep end of the pool.  I dip my toes in, say "fuck that", catch up with some Words With Friends games in the pool chair, and then get peer pressured into the water after about 20 minutes.  Getting into water is probably the most difficult thing I've encountered in my life.  This isn't even about swimming either. I'm talking literally entering into a pool/lake/sea/ocean. 

The tried and awful method that I use is the "grab some water out of the pool and rub it on my body" play.  I know that doesn't work, but frankly it's all I know.  I'm too much of a bitch to just jump in and not serial-killer enough to walk the stairs in.  I'm in pool-entry purgatory.

Thank god for Hov and Queen Bey.  I think I finally figured it out now.  I can go with the "slip off the side" method that Beyonce is using or keep it casual with the "oh no, I'm falling off a cliff" move that Jay is pulling off.  I have options now.  

PS. Someone get Blue some Beyonce genes, STAT:

Jets Can't Catch A Break. Not Even In The Donut Game

Rooting for the Jets is like taking care of an old dog that just shits everywhere, can't see well and barks all of the time.  Except this dog doesn't die.  It just bothers you forever and won't get any younger.  Sure, some days it won't bark and maybe it shit too much, but in the end, it's the same fucking dog.

Now no one likes Jets donuts.  Wheels have officially fallen off.  Green is such an unappealing color when it's not St. Patrick's Day.  This is definitely payback for me calling out Dunkin Donuts for being racist.  Tough times when you can't defend racism without that company attacking you where you live.

Most Effective Bowling Ad Ever

So it finally comes out. Bowlers invented the shocker. Haha, that's kind of a shocker, get it? Okay, I'll stop.

But really, look at their faces. Those two were definitely engaged in some PBA level finger banging when that picture was taken. Can't convince me otherwise. Maybe bowlers are ready to climb up the poon-slaying ladder and break into the big time. Shed the whole "most uncoordinated athletes" label.

 

 

Okay, never mind.







21 Year Old Arkansas Man Doing It Big

From Huff Post

How about this kid, huh? Huffing 16 cans of air duster, getting higher than the monkey from "The Hangover 2" AKA living the fucking life.

Fuck the cop finding this kid and arresting him though. What, you never bought $100 worth of air duster, huffed that, stole some more and then passed out in Kmart? Show me a person who's never done that and I'll show you a big fat liar. Let Robert Pry live, guy, let him live.

Oh, and while I'm sure there's some kind of huffing nuance that makes huffing air duster different than huffing paint, I have to imagine this guy felt exactly like Charlie Kelly right up until he passed out.







Don't Even Know Where To Begin With This Thailand Dunkin Donuts Ad

I'll go out and say that I'm more offended by the charcoal donut.  The mere prospect that this shit tastes like the bottom of my grill is enough to make me irrationally upset.  Yes, I'll still buy and eat three of them, but I won't be happy about it.

I guess the real issue with this ad is the blackface.  Listen, I hate pointed racism as much as the next guy out there, but this doesn't fall into that category.  I don't see this as trying to offend, belittle or degrade black people in any way.  I just see it as ignorant.  Yeah, the hair and the pink lipstick are insinuating that this is a Manute Bol - level black person, but this is also an advertisement for a fucking charcoal donut.  It started out stupid, got stupider and ended really stupid.  No surprises were thrown our way.  

Plus, they clearly used an attractive Thai girl to color black.  I'm on a strict "really hot girls can get away with almost anything" policy, so there's that.  Women, man.