The Invasion Has Begun

NANTUCKET, Mass. — A cleaning crew has found an unexpected mess after arriving at Sea Dog Brew Pub on Nantucket: a 5-foot-long shark blocking the door.

Pub manager Jimmy Agnew says he doesn't know why anyone would have dumped the sea creature there.

Nantucket's public works department hauled the dead shark away after its discovery around 7 a.m. Thursday. (AP)

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I think it's pretty obvious what's happening here. And I don't like it one bit.

That's right. Hide your kids, hide your wife, hide Antoine Dodson cause they eatin' everybody out here. What you might call a prank pulled by some idiot in Nantucket, I call the first shot fired in a global inter-species struggle that will determine the fate of the planet.

Consider the facts. Do sharks normally come onto dry land? No. Do I know for a fact that they can't? What am I some sort of fucking marine biologist? And don't tell me, "But, Smeesh, sharks have gills. They need water." Uhh, dude, were you even watching TV on July 11? They've already managed to create Sharknado (link courtesy of Flip) technology. Adapting to live (and fight) on land only makes sense. 

God help us if the dogs join in and we have to face a full-blown Hurricanine.

Me? I think this little 5-footer is just a scout. Made it all the way inland to the Sea Dog Brew Pub before running out of gas too. Just doing the whole "Oh hey, bros, don't mind me I'm just here to get my drink on" thing before biting a hole the size of Vince Vaughn's dome out of the bartender. (Total power move catching a buzz before launching a full-scale invasion, by the way.)

And lest we forget what week it is starting Sunday. Think sharks don't know about Shark Week? Think a-fucking-gain. Sharks are gonna just start waltzing out of the water and Discovery Channel weirdos are gonna run up to them all excited and promptly get devoured like a Crunch Wrap Supreme at 3AM when I'm drunk.

So go ahead. Tell me I'm crazy. And while you're living the last few days of your lives in blissful ignorance I'll be going all "Kevin Costner from Water World" on these aquatic sons-of-bitches.

@SmeeshWMD