Ostrich Goes HAM All Over The Streets Of China

^skip to the 13 second mark if you're not down to listen to a Chinese newscaster

I was skeptical at first, but this is exactly what you'd expect from a video describing an ostrich going on a "reckless rampage" throughout the streets of China.  This ostrich, at zero points in time, considered giving a fuck.  Saw bikes, didn't care.  Got hit by a car a couple of times, kept it moving.  While no one knows where it came from or what it's motives were, we can all learn a lot from this weird ass bird.  Resilience, perseverance, and most importantly, we've learned that cocaine is a helluva drug because if you know birds like I know birds, that ostrich was on coke.

I'm no Chinese map reader, but I'm fairly certain this ostrich traveled at least 100 miles while intermittently getting hit by automobiles: 

Manute Bol Doesn't Look Weird In A Pool At All

First off, RIP Manute.  A great man that focused all of his accumulated wealth and attention on struggling African countries to the point that it killed him.  A true hero.

With that said, get the fuck out of the pool, Manute.  You're scaring everyone and your XXXXXL limbs are going to appear in a terrifying dream of mine at some point in the future.  See that white dude in the top left corner?  He's got that "lolwut?" look going, but he's simulateneously stricken with fear and unable to get out of the water.  Completely bewildered and wondering how he ended up in a swimming pool with a 7 foot 7 African man.  You can't make things like this up unless you took a picture of a normal sized African guy and stretched him with Microsoft Paint and posted a picture on the internet because naive bloggers exist and will believe anything is true and they will definitely post it and sully the name of a someone who has died by making fun of him on said blog.

But that probably didn't happen.  The Internet is the integrity hub of Earth.

Psy Imposter Dominates The Cannes Film Festival And Walks Off With Tons Of Free Shit

Me and @psy_oppa at the @chopard party in #Cannes!! Xx twitter.com/NaomieHarris/s…
— Naomie Harris(@NaomieHarris) May 21, 2013

Ah, sometimes it's good to see racism prevail.  Nine times out of ten, racism is a terrible and disgusting act, but every now and then something amazing happens.  Sometimes you just got to pop on some $10 sunglasses, speak fake Korean and swivel your hips a few times and your entire life can change for a weekend.

Apparently the racist theory that "all Asian people look alike" can earn you overnight celebrity.  Fake Psy picked up goodie bags, had security guards following him, had bottle service given to him and danced on a fucking French TV show.  All because of RACISM!  Incredible how the world works sometimes.

I guess the black guy equivalent to this is when someone thinks that you played football or basketball either collegiately or professionally.  If I had a nickel for every time that I've heard, "You look like ::insert professional athlete::" I may have a few dollars.  Granted, I never took advantage of it quite like fake Psy did, but if there is a lesson here, it's that racism is sometimes awesome.  Probably one of the first three things that I'll teach my kid.

It Hit Me Last Night (Right Around The Time When I Drew A MS Paint Version Of Myself In The Nude) That I Could Use Another Writer

Those of you that are new(er) to WMD, you may not know that I once had co-writers   Yes, multiple.  Craw, Dick Palmer, G and Pears all have fallen by the wayside.  They had lives to lead, jobs to perform and schools to graduate from and god dammit if I wasn't a lucky SOB to have them write for the site for free.  Grateful as hell.  Now with that said, they're all dead to me from a blogger standpoint.

I've been riding dirty now for almost a year and things have been going smoothly.  Viewership has continued to grow and I've gotten into a groove as much as someone who sits in his boxers and blogs at night can get into a groove.  Hell, I've even made some real American dollars from it.  I'm still looking for Yen and Bitcoins, but I can be patient.  The thing is, I could use some help.  Some serious help.  I want to churn out posts like the realer blogs on the internet churn out posts.  As one man, I can't do that, have a girlfriend and not die from carpal tunnel at the same time.  I need others.

WMD JOB APPLICATION:

Do you think of weird shit when you see weird internet stories?

Once you get back from work, hang out, hit the gym, make dinner and do whatevs, do you still have some time leftover where you stay up and do nightowl things?

Like writing?

Be willing to work for free at the start/forever?  

Will your family disown you if they find out you write for a blog?

How do you feel about black people?  Because I'm black.

Did you laugh when you saw Miguel crush that girl's face with a leg drop?

Are you cool with dick/poop jokes?

Ever used Blogger?

Have a irrational hope that this site can one day be big?

Will you actually care about the site?

------

If you answered positively to like 65% of that, give me a buzz.  And by buzz, I mean don't ever call me, just email me at workingmansdiary@gmail.com, tweet me at @WMsDiary or hit me up if you actually know me.  Just don't fucking call or I'll break my phone in rage.

Let's make history by doing something literally millions of websites on the internet are doing, but just a little better.

This Naked Dude With A Keyboard On His Balls Just Put Craigslist On Notice

Welp, the game has changed.  Completely.  There's audacity and then there's putting synths and samplers on your bare testicles.  Next level stuff.

Do I need to post a nude pic of me with "Dub J's Blogging Laptop" sitting atop my nuts?  Fine..$150 is my offer.

There, I did it.  Threw my C&B on the internet and didn't care.  Might become a webcam girl or something at this rate.  

*Everything was drawn to scale.

For Only $1,200, You Can Look Into The Women's Bathroom At A Scotish Nightclub

Scotland just put all the creepers in the world on notice.  I'd like to make a distinction: there's funny creepy and then there's actually creepy.  The first type occurred back in college when a girl would receive a Facebook message that read "Ur hot" from the dude in the back of Econ class that they've never talked to.  Harmless, semi-funny and inconsequential.  Well staring at girls through a two-way mirror that they are unaware of while they are in the bathroom is filed under #2 - actually really fucking creepy.

I follow a strict policy of not caring what occurs in the woman's bathroom.  You guys take 2-3x longer than us and consequently look and smell 2-3x better than us.  I don't want to know how it happened or why it took you forever to come out of there, as long as you're all set and I got to drink the drink that I bought for you 30 minutes ago.

Plus it's 2013, Scotland.  What kinda weird rocks are you trying to get off by watching drunk girls in the bathroom when we are in a Golden Age of free pornography?  I know what I do in bar bathrooms and absolutely NONE of it is sexy.  I'm either #1 or #2ing, farting, dry heaving, throwing up or not washing my hands.  Not really much else to do in there.  Clean up your act and stop trying to watch girls poop, you guys.

PS. Love that the title of the article uses "1.2K" to represent $1,200.  #Journalism.

Miguel Leg Drop Vs. Drake Looking Weird Meme In A Battle For Internet Supremacy

In case you live under a rock, don't have Twitter or have better things to do with your time, Miguel scissor-kick leg-dropped a young woman last night on live television.  And kept singing.

With the confidence of an Olympic long-jumper and the execution of an R&B singer with a faux-hawk, Miguel smushed a girl's skull with no reactionary remorse because the chorus of "Adorn" can't sing itself.  If it wasn't evident before, Miguel is playing Super Mario and the rest of us are playing Checkers.

The other internet thing to happen last night can't really be described plainly.   It was phenomenon that can only be equated to when the Outbreak monkey bit that dude and then that dude started sneezing on people.  

Background: On the set of DJ Khaled's "No New Friends" someone Instagrammed a pic and Drake looks about as weird as a person can look:

Shirt and shorts from the 7th grade, Hamburglar socks, and what appears to be boots with the illest mid-stroke lean you've ever seen.  Pure disaster.  Girls legitimately stop being friends with other girls if they tag them in a picture that "makes them look fat", so imagine the backlash for a "this picture makes me look like I kinda had a stroke, but it's almost understandable based on the clothes that I'm wearing."  You have to unfriend Rick Ross and Khaled on Facebook and unConnect from those motherfuckers on LinkedIn.

As I said, the internet got really weird with this picture.  It was like a paint can shined in the sky and everyone with the MS Paint software program and an IQ above 56 started to put Drake in different situations.

Drake getting crossed by Allen Iverson - it's funny because this person erased Drake's arm and drew a new one.  True workmanship.

"ATL" got robbed of all the Oscars.  But seriously, the movie was better than expected.  Marcus from "Smart Guy" is in the back btw.

I liked this one the most.  Like I always say, never underestimate how good someone can be at Twister when they are in the middle of a stroke.

I go as the internet goes.  The weirder it gets, the weirder I get.

Kim Kardashian's Heels Are Fighting For Dear Life

This is like when George Clooney was on the boat in "A Perfect Storm" and he knew that he was going to die.  Just leaving it all on the line for the betterment of heels everywhere.  No reason for them to be in that situation, but they were and they fought until they died.

Fucking Kim, though.  What are you doing?  Your feet/cankles did not want to go through with this, but you had to make them.  Now everyone's dead.  Look what you've done!

Guys, Should I Adopt My Girlfriend's New Dog? His Name's Tito If That Helps

My girlfriend's family recently acquired a new member and after like 2 months, they are indifferent to him.  I don't get why.  He's cute, right?  He's obviously a pug and clearly has the requisite hate-my-life pug face that all of us find incredibly adorable.  Well, here's the problem.  He's old, he's blind and his eyes get green gunk balls in them.  All of that goes hand and hand really, but I think these "deficiencies" make him the perfect dog for me.  I work, I blog, but I love and I love hard.  What better dog to dote all of my love on than a tiny pug that doesn't require much attention, can't see anything and generally wants to do nothing all day?

Here's Tito in a nutshell:

                                                     

Prancin' around like a fuckin' boss for 3 1/2 minutes before getting impossibly exhausted.

Too exhausted to make it to his bed.  Just plopped on the ground doing his best burrito impression.

An hour later, he made it to bed and looks all sorts of shitfaced.

But he keeps it classy and licks his entire face before bed.

Mission accomplished.

And that's it.  That's me having "responsibility."  If I can make sure this dog has 4-5 minutes of exercise a day and can successfully guide his blind ass to bed, I'm a good owner.  Do I have to agree to this?  I think I do.

CougarLife.Com Billboard Ads Coming In Crazy Hot

The second ad is hilarious.  If I had to drive by that thing every day, I'd laugh every single time for like two months.  First ad is absolutely disgusting.  An unexpected titty can send a car veering into a palm tree very fast.  Add in a child breastfeeding and it can become vomit city even faster.  Either way, Cougarlife is on the radar.  

So here's Miss Cougarlife.com:

She scares me for a number of reasons.

1)  She can be anywhere between 29 and 52 years old.

2)  That body will rip a 401K right out of your wallet.

3)  She participated and won "Miss Cougarlife.com"

All significant red flags that would make me concerned if this was the absolute pinnacle of the site.  I'm obviously going to investigate further with significant research and experimental cases, but from the outside, this is a very worrisome site.

Christopher Walken's Pants Though

Rockin' the elastic sweat/dress pants hybrid like he's at a funeral but can sit on a reclining chair at any given moment.  Next level, grandpa 4.0 shit right here.  If this was my party, I would have felt an eerie combination of offended, disgusted, impressed, nervous and terrified.  Walken's world, we're just living in it.

Watched Hockey For The First Time Ever Tonight And It Was Pretty Legit

Honestly, I can't tell you what the fuck I just watched, but it was a pretty good time.  Saw people freaking out on Twitter talking about a hockey game and then the struggle began.  The struggle I'm discussing is the struggle to find out what channel this game was on.  Never before was I thrust into a situation where I had to "find" where a hockey game was on TV.  Once that crisis was averted, I put on my pink hat and dove right in.  Straight up a fan for like 6 minutes and 38 seconds.  Probably will never watch another game again, but dammit I'd be lying if I said that was a fun experience.  I will watch a Game 7 of any sport that ends in sudden death.  Dudes just putting their hearts on the line to move on to the next round and live to fight another day.

I may have been too athletic, rhythmic and terrified of cold to play ice hockey, but I built some respect for those dudes on the ice tonight.  Boston Strong, indeed.

All The Remaining Bald Eagles On Earth Hanging Out In a Pickup Truck

If there were only 25 super-athletic, handsome, hilarious black bloggers on Earth, I probably wouldn't want to hang out with all of them in the same place.  Can't afford to have us all wiped out in an instant.  That's clearly not what these bald eagles were thinking.  Just YOLOing all over the place getting blacked out drunk on eagle alcohol and fornicating all over the place.

Can we point out that zero police appeared in a video titled "Police Break up Eagle Party..."?  As wrong as a title can be.  I can't blame the Alaskan police force though - no chance that you keep your eyeballs if you're one of the first 4 cops to dive in there.  These assholes were way too drunk and way too amped to reproduced with each other.

Jay-Z Is A Hip Hop Mogul, Time Traveler And Possibly A Vampire

Two things we know for certain: 1) this picture was taken in 1933.  2) that is 120% Shawn Carter.  White People are catching a lot of flack on the internet today for agreeing with my sentiment, getting called racist based on the "all black people look alike" premise.  Well white people, Dub J absolves you because we just broke the time-space continuum, bitches.

Now that we know Jay-Z was once chillin' on a stoop in 1933, we have to assume he was around for some other things too.  Probably was in the delivery room doing the *Birdman hand rub* when Beyonce was born.  At the very least it's a safe bet to say that Jay thwarted the Cuban Missile crisis for obvious reasons.  With this said, why did he allow himself to get photographed 80 years ago to give himself up like that?  Admittedly it's a power play to reveal that you have time traveling capabilities, but I'd keep that shit under wraps. 

"But Dub, vampires can't sit on a stoop in the sunlight"

Shut up, don't you think I know that.  Haven't you seen Blade 1 - Trinity?  If young/old Hov hasn't broken all of the laws of physics, he is definitely a daywalker and I'm cool with that.  Pretty par for the course when you're in the Illuminati.

PS.  I think Kanye pissed the wrong person on the Illuminati Board of Directors off:

If You Weren't Aware Of Testicular Cancer, Senhor Testiculo Is Here To Teach

Don't know about you fellas, but I just investigated the hell out of my balls.  Had to do the annual check to make sure they didn't have googly eyes and a faceless Hispanic woman next to them before I was completely sure that I was okay this year.

If the goal was to terrorize the male population of Brazil, mission accomplished.  While I'm sure most people don't understand why a set of nuts with chubby cheeks is preaching anything, I believe that the point is well taken here.  You don't need a bigger "check your testicles" reminder than a giant set of testicles with Aspergers Syndrome.  I know it doesn't say that he has Aspergers, but Mr. Testicle most certainly does.  Props to this woman for deeming this picture too embarrassing to have her face revealed.  You don't want to forever be linked to Senhor Testiculo.

I may be accused of a lot of things here on WMD, but neglecting testicular health will never be one of them.  Awareness.

You Wouldn't Believe Tiger Woods Was Drunk If I Told You

Stage 1: Panic

Tiger is worried that he looks visibly drunk

Stage 2: Irrational Confidence

Tiger thinks he's fine, but he's actually really drunk and everyone knows it

Stage 3: Creeper

We officially lost him.  He's gone straight primal on us and this is just special to watch at this point.

 Stage 4: Get Home

In a time honored tradition unlike any other, it's the struggle to get home.  You have one goal: get to bed.  You have an alternative goal of buying pizza, falling asleep before you finish it and throwing up in your sleep. Do your thing, Tiger.

Anyone who's had a few whiskey-based beverages has been in this exact spot.  You get drunk, deny that you're drunk and "only had __ drinks", lose yourself, bother people, fight the good fight to get home and half eat something.  We've all been there.  Even the stars do too.

Dude Steals $500 From Three Year Old In Liquor Store Because ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

God dammit, Bronx.  Can't go like 30 seconds without hearing a weird, fucked up story out of you.  Just as bad as things can get from just about every angle.  Why is the kid in the liquor store?  Why is the mom casually carrying $500?  How did the 3 year old kid easily steal $500 from his mother?  Why did this dude steal the money from the 3 year old?  Actually, the answer to that is "because it was easy", but still.  Nothing sacred in this world anymore.  Little man just wanted to buy a Playstation and some gummy worms.  (S)haking (M)y (H)ead.

If You Claim You Know The Words To "Mirrors" You're A Liar

(4:45 is when the panties/boxers drop)

"The bacon seed inside of my heart" - What is he talking about?  Is this a euphemism for a clogged artery?  Whatever, the dude crushes this track.

I think that's a testament to how good this song really is.  I barely understand 25% of it and know that it has a stranglehold on being my wedding song and is the most heartfelt piece of music ever released.  Just speaking absolute gibberish and capturing a nation.

Yes, pocket full of soap is 1000% a lyric.  Dude likes to stay clean and we have no choice but to respect that.

Things that are also lyrics in this song:

"Visit space and now you're home" 

Kinda makes sense.  Sweet as hell.

"I can't help but notice, you reflect in this soda mine" 

A)  A mine full of soda? Sign me up. B)  Crystals are reflective.  Took us back to Earth science with this one.

All the Grammys.

Looks Like Chingy Has Fallen On Some Hard Times

To be honest, my brain completely forgot Chingy existed.  Probably had to make the executive brain decision in college on whether or not to keep a catalog of Chingy records or learn Macroeconomic theory.  Well, you're back and neither of us are happy about it.

This is as cold-blooded as cold-blooded things get.  Dude probably hasn't had an offer in the last 5 years aside from performing "Spring Day" at middling community colleges.  It's like he was sitting in his fishing boat passed out and finally got a bite only to find out he was hooked on to a mean ass piece of seaweed.  Pranking out of work rappers might catch on though.

I'd do "Right Thurr" on karaoke right now for a $10 stack and a Snack Wrap.  Phenomenal deal for someone like me.

Because It's Friday: Bunch Of Ducklings Doing An Absolutely Terrible Job Of Jumping Off Of A Ledge

About as bad of a job as you can do jumping off of a ledge, but when you're cute, you're cute.  Love the transition from the first duckling screaming out "YOLO" and smashing his entire body into the pavement to the "fuck that" duck that tried to sprint the entire ledge looking for an easier way down.  Inevitably they all smashed into the pavement with a dejected and disappointed mother looking on with the purest "at least 80% of my kids have brain damage now" look on her face.

LIFE IS LIKE A HURRICANE....

Why So Many Amanda Bynes Pictures, You Ask?

Because bewbs.

Because resilience.  She found her bra.

Because she has perfected the wink.

Because she just figured out how to use Photoshop like 18 minutes ago

Because she just figured out how to use Photoshop like 5 minutes ago*

The real question is: What the fuck happened with the "All That" cast?  Drastically different paths, like half of them went crazy, Left-Eye died, and two are wildly successful.  The amount of cocaine, sketchy agents, and orange soda matriculating through that studio had to have been staggering.