K, Guys. Just Wrapped Up That 2895 Page Scroll-Like Article On Deadspin That Talked About Manti Teo's Dead Girlfriend Who Was Actually A Compilation Of Like 3 Dudes And A Chick

^throw up those cool surfer hands, girl. You'll be missed.

Phew. Haven't tested the ol' reading eyes quite like that in a long time. It was like reading one of those Goosebumps "Pick Your Own Fate" books that essentially made you read the same book 50 different times to get a positive result. Except there were no crazy haunted hijinks. Just a potentially gay dude, the internet and Dub Jeezy, graduate of the Derek Zoolander School For Kids That Can't Read Good. I'm going to put on my Ron Jaworski pants and break this the fuck down.

Potentially Gay Dude aka Manti Te'o (pretentious apostrophes are always a bad sign):

First things first, take off the god damn lei, bro. You're making the entire world upset with that display. We know you're Hawaian (borderline impossible to spell). We also know one thing is certain: he's either stupid as fuck or he's going to go down as one of the greatest internet creepers of all time which I have to respect. But come on now, Lennay Kueka? That's the fakest Hawaiian name of all time and clearly expresses your love of Lenny Kravitz. Just say, "Sorry guys, I was banging a smoking hot dude named Mitch and that's why I sucked in the title game and made up a fake GF with a terribly fake name." All will probably be forgiven after that.

The Internet aka All of Us:

What a fucking glorious week this has been and all I have to show for it is a blog post about a dude stealing automatic toilet flushers. Really dropped the ball on this one, you guys. That's why I'm making up for it with a "trying too hard" post for the ages. Twitter, stand up and give yourself a round of applause. It was probably the best good joke to bad joke ratio I've ever seen on that site during a significant event. It's like people were waiting in their holes for an opportunity to make a joke about a fake dead girlfriend. And on Facebook, I predictably killed it:

So funny, right?

The Internet giveth (adult websites, WMD, Wikipedia, Twitter/Facebook) and the Internet taketh away (boring stuff, pop-ups, "Terms of Service").

Dub Jeezy aka 5630th ranked blogger on the planet:

Admittedly, I was slumping on the blog this week. My girlfriend was about to visit, so I basically had to nuke my apartment and rebuild anew. Then I made quite possibly the worst meal I've ever made because I refuse to read recipes/instructions because those are for nerds. All in all, not enough time to blog when I'm too busy throwing up my own food and hanging up paintings to give off the vibe that I'm "mature" and a "compatible" partner. But this fucking whacky-ass tale lit the creeper-blogger fire under my ass and inspired me to vomit words off my keyboard. And no, I didn't once care about the Lance Armstrong story. Call me when Oprah is giving out million dollar checks to the all the bloggers in the Top-6000 rankings.


PS. Te'o'ing might be the cheapest joke since moving your hand away when someone tries to give you a high five.