Shocking Study: Marriage Makes Men Drink Less and Women Drink More

I hope you all were sitting down for that because that was some Earth-shattering shit. Fake scientists doing what fake scientists always do: telling us stuff we already know.

Hell I need to get that job because I'd easily be the best at saying, "The only real reason dudes get drunk is because their friends are getting drunk and because they want to hook up with chicks." If I put on a lab coat and hold a beaker, I'd be just as good as these assholes.

If your friends aren't drinking and you have a girlfriend/wife, but you still want to drink, you're an alcoholic straight up and you need help. If you're a single guy, you drink mainly for liquid confidence at the hopes of eventually picking up a girl. If you're a dude in a relationship you drink because all of your single friends want to drink, but you're really just out there for moral support. It's a vicious cycle that will never end because guys are primal idiots.

Girls are a special infuriating breed. Girls know guys are primal idiots and use that to their advantage to the tune of free drinks and skipping lines. They also don't drink much in their youth because it is a BILLION times riskier to be a shitfaced girl than a shitfaced guy. At the most guys can get arrested. Bad things can happen to a girl when he head isn't on a swivel. But you find a girl in a relationship and she is literally drunk all the time, praying for the next "Girls Night." She got complacent when her man was a mild booze hound, but now that he's toned things down all he wants to do is hang out and is always around. Another vicious cycle that evolution has created. Why do you think Mom ALWAYS has that glass of wine with dinner?

So basically, dudes drink to get chicks and chicks drink because they get sick of seeing that dude's face everyday. Where's my PhD?