The NYC Soda Ban Just Ain't Right

Welp, guess America might as well throw in the towel. China should just come over and lay a big fat dump on all of our faces because if I can't get 48 fluid ounces of high fructose corn syrup, Yellow #5 and excess carbonation at my leisure, we've lost.

Sure, it makes more sense to order a small soda if there are free refills, but where's the pageantry? I'm trying to flaunt my future diabetes in front of everyone like the Constitution intended. We can't have our "Small" become "Large" and our "Large" become buckets. I won't have it. I want the option to involuntarily live the "Super Size Me" lifestyle Friday-Sunday.

I want to be proud to live in a country where these exist:

And this couple:

And this cat:

And this remote control cooler:

I'm too tired to keep typing because I'm American and proud to say that I got tired writing a blog. Allow me keep that right, Bloomberg.