New Study: How To Be A Good Facebook Friend

It goes without saying that I'm going to rip this to shreds. Being a "good" Facebook friend directly correlates to being a social miscreant. Science is really stupid sometimes.

1) Respond to posts-
It's 2012. Posting on people's walls is played the fuck out. Posts should be strictly limited to birthday posts from people you haven't spoken to in years/will never speak to you again, funny videos/links and compliments. Anything else is just a waste of everyone's time. These are the only posts I'd possibly respond to and even the odds of that are slim. Send me a creepy message if you want to chat. Or use fucking Facebook chat. And if you invite me to Farmville, I'll find your address and do my best to ruin your life.

2) Cool it with the photos-
Pfft, I saw a funny looking pigeon on the ground, of course I'm going to post that. I work in a sick office building--obviously have to post that. And if my socks are mismatched, you BEST believe that's Facebook worthy. Now babies and pictures of food are an entirely different story. No one gives a shit about a baby unless it's their friend's or relative's and absolutely NO ONE cares about what you ate for dinner. Too much drooling and spaghetti on Facebook.

3) Wish acquaintances a happy birthday-
Yeah, ok. If you weren't with me shooting in the gym, you aren't getting any birthday wishes anytime soon. My Facebook Happy Birthdays range from: hilarious and scene stealing to "Happy Birthday, enjoy!" to the ever insulting, but kinda meaningful "HBD, bruh." I don't even know what an acquaintance is in my social life anymore. At age 24 you more or less have your friends for life with a bunch of assorted characters. No room for acquaintances.

4) Don't get too familiar-
I straight up don't know what this means. I think it's saying "don't be a creep", which is more or less saying, "don't be who you are" to me. You're telling me I can't awkwardly chat anyone I want at any given hour or send messages with a 0.04% chance of being replied to? What kind of communist social media landscape are we trying to create? I'm going to keep going on Facebook, continue to friend people I haven't met and continue to look through all of their "Spring Break '09" albums. Thank you very much.

Rules are made to be broken. Especially when they're made by nerdy ass scientists.