Friends Ask Dub: "What Are Your Thoughts On The Pygmy Hippo?"

Umm, ew?

Is it bad that I don't think this thing is remotely cute? It's hard to be adorable when you're covered head to toe in cooking oil and looking sad as hell. Lift your head up, bro. I know it ain't easy being a "pygmy" anything--just life dealing you an absolutely shit hand.

If you're a miniature greased up hippopotamus, you have to own being a miniature greased up hippopotamus. Knock over some tables, consistently make VERY weird noises, and maybe do some non-hippo things like use a human toilet. Obviously the first order of business is figuring out how to dry yourself off because you look slippery as fuck. Can't even consider cuddling with you without getting my t-shirt wet. You may need to un-bug your eyes too if you're going to chill in my backpack at the clubs. Your swag is my swag hippo.