Mom Asks Dub: "Why Did You Suck At So Many Toys As A Kid?"

If you follow me on Twitter (@WMsDiary), you would have seen an alarming tweet I put up addressing a phone call with my mother today. I was talking to her about cell phone games when all of a sudden the conversation shifted to childhood toys/games. She tore me up. Just broke me down bit by bit giggling at how much I sucked at everything she ever laid out in front of me. She thought we were joking around as adults, but I was 100% crying on the inside.

Thing I Sucked At #1: The Slinky

The slinky was probably the most basic "toy" ever created. Just a fucking coil. Somehow I managed to ineffectively play with it. My mom said that at least two times a day she'd find me incorrectly playing with a tangled up slinky that never went down the stairs like the commercials. The part that really hurt was when she said, "I didn't even understand how you were capable of turning a simple coil into the most complicated knot of all time." In my head I thought my shit "walked the stairs without a care" and went "up and down just like a clown."

Thing I Sucked At #2: Simon

I kind of saw where my Mom was coming from here. What went from a cute, "Aw, he's just mashing the colors at random" became a concerned, "I don't think he knows what the goal of this game is at all." Simon was a mind-blowing experience to be apart of as a little kid. My senses were challenged on all sorts of levels. Hearing the 'beeps', 'boops', and seeing all the lights flashing, it's a miracle I didn't epilepsy-out at some point. Needless to say, it took me probably 2 years of consistent playing to realize it was a memory game. When I officially found out how to play, I proceeded to suck really bad at it. Mama Jeezy had to have made a few calls to some doctors at that point.

Thing I Sucked At #3: Etch-A-Sketch

To this day, I still think these are as complicated as Rubik's Cubes. How the fuck do you make a curvy line? With that question presented, my mom said I use to present to her exclusively squares on the Etch-A-Sketch. Nothing more, nothing less. Some days it'd be 5 small squares, others would be 3 large squares. It used to take me hours and bless her soul she put that fake-proud/concerned smile on her face every single time. It's probably best I didn't end up good at these though. I'd probably have to sacrifice any and all female interaction for the ability to create Etch-A-Sketch Barack Obama.

Before any of you break into the "Does Dub have a mental deficiency?", I'll stop you short and say...maybe. It's very possible. Combine my complete inability to wrap a gift with my mother's startling admission and we may have a full blown case of blogging Rain Man on our hands.