Zuckerberg Is Not Pleased With Iman Shumpert

Before we get into this, can someone make sure Iman Shumpert is okay? When a man gives another man the $100 billion death stare, there is a solid chance one dude is completely erased off the grid. Borderline have to assume he's been killed and his body parts distributed amongst the world's major oceans right?

Now that we got that out of the way, Zuckerberg actually went to a Knicks game? That's like the valedictorian coming to a high school football game just to watch. It doesn't happen. Too great of a risk for swirlies, wet-willies, atomic wedgies, and getting your ass whooped. Obviously much of that doesn't apply when you have "erase you off the grid" money, but it's still kind of surprising to see him staring holes into dudes on the bench.

Because I moonlight as an amateur social psychologist, it's pretty clear that Mr. Zuckerberg has an inferiority complex. Three weeks ago he was the nerd-superstar from Harvard who had the world by the balls. Now those balls are gripped by Jeremy Lin and it's not sitting right. His only course of action is to sit behind the bench and strategically stare at all of Jeremy's friends on the team until they mysteriously and quietly stop existing. Eventually the Knicks roster will take such a beating that they'll need to sign hapless bozos like fucking Gilbert Arenas and the expiring contract of Theo Ratliff just to have enough players to put on the court. Ipso facto, Linsanity ends with Zuckerberg acting as the puppet master behind the scenes.

In this fake-life ridiculous scenario I made up, the only fitting end would be if Zuckerberg, after ruining Jeremy Lin's life, sends him a "poke" on Facebook.