Did Anyone Hear About The Dude That Was Trapped In His Car Since Christmas And Went Into A "State Of Hibernation" In Order To Survive?

^actual picture

I talk pretty loosely on this blog. Sometimes I'll say "that sucks" when something really doesn't suck that bad. But this time folks, I can unequivocally say with unmatched certainty that this fucking SUCKS. Can't put a happy face on surefire hypothermia, shriveled balls, and the overall concept of being in a "state of hibernation."

Real talk, this may be the most evolved human to ever exist. If I'm in a car for two hours and I don't have at least two Slim Jims, BBQ Pringles, a large Gatorade, and a blue Monster Energy drink, my metabolism completely shuts down. So I have to give this wildly unfortunate Swedish guy credit for surviving strictly on upholstery and steering-wheel leather. I did notice a glaring hole in his survival success story though--mainly the fact that it looks pretty fucking easy to get out of there. Like, open the door bro. Maybe put some elbow grease into it. Granted, visibility looks pretty poor, but you can probably figure things out. Ask Siri, "Yo where am I?" and you should be all set. Not a good look at all Sweden.

This guy was definitely licking cup holders, right?