Facebook Friday #6

Blah, blah, blah, funny intro. FB Friday #6.

Number 1 Reason Why You Don’t Go Past the Danger Sign On The Beach:

Hissing fanged-creatures with basketball shaped-squid heads WILL swim around you and spray water at you from their mouths and noses. Hey Joey, maybe you should stop bleeding for 90 minutes in monster infested waters and get some medical attention. That way your friend and his muppet-sounding wife won’t get shook up by these eel-shark-basketball-mammal hybrids. Got a little dumber watching that. Thanks MD.

Boy Gets Ticketed For Recklessly Driving His Toy Motorcycle Into SUV:
Was this kid hammered? Had to be right? My guess is some fermented Mott’s Apple Juice was in play. Probably got a little too aggressive on the playground and took some Mott’s to the face. Another reason he was most certainly drunk is because kids treat any remote control/motorized vehicle with an absurd amount of care and respect. I’m almost positive I would have killed or died for my motorized Tonka dump truck. Gael, lay off the juice and watch out for the fucking Escalade next time, ok? Thanks BB.

Megabus Now Taking People That Want To Go To West Virginia to West Virginia:
The extremely large and robust market of people that have long awaited travel to Western Virginia have had their prayers answered. I’m tired of taking a $1 Megabus to DC, taking the Metro into Virginia, buying an Amtrak ticket to West Virginia, and hitchhiking my ass along a dirt road into Morgantown where there is a higher than 50% chance I’m going to get hacked to bits by a serial killer. Megabus made the right business decision here, because when you’re tired of NYC, Boston, D.C. and Philly, there’s nothing like a relaxing trip to West Virginia to set your mind right. Thanks MA-K

Male Umbrella Usage:
Can’t believe this was a question. Is my manhood questioned because I prefer not to get drenched, have my headphones destroyed and be unable to aggressively play Word With Friends as I’m walking down the street? Mayyybe my manhood can be questioned because I currently rock a maroon-ish, fushia-ish colored umbrella because no one got me a douchey New York Jets golf umbrella for Christmas. No one likes to sit on the Friday afternoon commute looking like a wet dog. That’s when my best eye-contact flirting goes down. I think. Thanks CG

Girls Scouts Cookies Boycotted Because Of Transgendered Scout:
Listen, if these little brats keep making Samoas and Thin Mints they are fine by me. They can be blue, orange and have as many sexual organs as they want. As long as I get my 4 boxes of Samoas and 2 boxes of Thin Mints I won’t snap. Now if this transgendered scout somehow hurt the production of either of these cookies with their lack of work ethic and cookie knowledge, I’m all for this ban. Thanks Tino (KILLING it with submissions—unfortunately could only use one for now)

They Clonin’ Wooly Mammoths Out Here:
Absolutely thrilled to hear this news. This is based solely off of Snuffleupagus though as he is the only wooly mammoth I’ve fake encountered in my life. Eh, maybe the Mastodon the black ranger used in Power Rangers, but that’s a stretch. I’m just so down for mildly depressed, insightful shaggy elephants to roam the streets. Would make leaving the bar a LOT more interesting. “Hey Dub, you want to take this cab with us?” “Nah guys, I think I’m going to climb this wooly mammoth and see where he takes me.” Thanks KCon.

What’s Really Good With Bassett & Dash Hounds?
Got no real explanation for this other than the fact that God kind of messed up making these things. A bassett hound has way too much skin and runs like an asshole. A dash hound is built low to the ground and runs like an asshole. What they lack physically, they make up for in “not give a fuck”-ness. Eating shit they shouldn’t eat, sleeping anywhere they want, and biting you for no good reason. I can get on board with that attitude. That Spellgirl, is the skreal with bassett and dash hounds.

Thanks errybody, have a good weekend.