Burger King To Test Out Home Delivery

If you're anything like me, this is the most detrimental information you've received in a long time.

The simple fact that a Whopper meal can be delivered to my door anytime between the hours of 11:00am and 10:00pm is batshit crazy. If this "testing" period goes through, you can pretty much call it a wrap on my life. With just one link, I was more or less told that any future goal that I had hoped to accomplish is officially shattered and my health will plummet until they film a TLC show about me. "The 800 Pound Fight: Dub J's Story."

There's straight up not much hope out there for a blogger that orders Burger King delivery all day. Simply not a shot in hell. Might as well buy into it and dive in head first.

As a fast food connoisseur, I KNOW for a fact that there is no way Burger King can replicate my soda creativity. Anytime I'm at a BK I put on a display that can only be described as the Pablo Picasso of drink mixology. It's like I'm a bartender on the Lower East Side or some shit, except I'm dealing with Orange Hi-C, Powerade, and Fruitopia. I start with about 1/2 Hi-C purely for nostalgia purposes and the mindset that every time I drink Hi-C could be my last. Next, I drop in 1/4 Powerade because that shit has ions in it. I finish the drink off with 1/4 Fruitopia because honestly, Fruitopia is a figment of all our imaginations. Keep in mind this drink has enough high fructose corn syrup to give you instant-diabetes and kill an infant, but it's delicious beyond belief. And I think it makes you black out. The moment BK can prove that they can replicate that drink is the day I sign my immune system over to the devil.

It's a foregone conclusion that, "The 800 Pound Fight: Dub J's Story" would be some of the most moving television of our generation.

Thanks to former co-blogger "G"