WMD's Annual: "I'm Probably Going To Die This Year" New Year's Eve Post

What everyone’s thinking:
“Man, open bar from 10pm to 3am? I might not make it through this weekend.” Blah, blah, blah, shut up Dub. Stop acting like you’re the only one that’s going to be excessively drinking on New Year’s Eve. Also, PLEASE stop bringing up 2 years ago when you threw up on yourself, slept on the floor of Penn Station, and potentially cried. It’s getting repetitive and frankly, you’re not that cool. I blacked out too bro, you don’t see me writing 500 words about it. What you do last year? Oh you hung out with your now ex-girlfriend and sipped champagne while watching Dick Clark/Ryan Seacrest’s Rockin’ New Years Eve on NBC. Real cool man. Sick blog though.

In my defense, 5 hours of open bar is fucking excessive. These better be the most watered down drinks imaginable or people are going to literally drop like flies. I have a propensity (25 cent word) to get a little overzealous during open bars. I have a full belief that they are a scam where they promise unlimited drinks, but with only one bartender for 400 people, it’s going to be impossible to get drinks. That’s why I pregame open bars. In the unexpected event that it’s a legitimately run organization, I tend to black out real early and offend everyone. And listen, 2 years ago was a problem. Can’t really get your swerve on, or buy a train ticket for that matter with a distinct throw-up stain on your suit jacket and mangled tie. Last year wasn’t a terrible time. Girlfriend NYEs are the mid-range jumpers of celebrations. It’s frowned upon, not fancy, but in the end you’re getting buckets. Really unsure if that made sense, but it did to me.

Let’s talk the Midnight Scramble. 11:53pm has rolled around and people are getting painfully desperate. Eyes peering around like a hawk, people sizing up prey, and wondering if that 5 minutes of conversation at 10:12 warrants a dance-floor makeout when the ball drops. No one wants to be on the outside looking in at that point so you have to make moves. My recommendation, have reasonable conversation with a cute girl early in the night when apps are served to establish yourself as a non-threatening, dapper-as-fuck, knight in shining armor. 11:57 rolls by and she’ll find you because you knocked her smitten ass off her feet over an hour ago.

Just kidding, I truly have no idea what I’m talking about. The only “plays” on my Madden playcall screen are: “Hail Mary” Hail Mary” “Hail Mary.”