The Miami Heat Intro Video Is Half Douchebag, Half Nothing-About-Basketball

I was pretty upset when I first watched this, but I was LIVID when Eddy Curry made an appearance. I'm as much of an NBA player as Eddy Curry is.

Shane Battier. What the fuck are you doing bro? You're like 36 with a wife, some kids and a Duke education. There is absolutely no reason to dress like a frat bro with the double-rainbow collar pop. The days of roofie-ing freshmen is over when you have a 401k and a legitimate pension plan. I think the theme of this video was indirectly, "Think Of What People Hate The Most And Dress Like It." Lets run through this lineup: Mario Chalmers in the hipster shades trying to look esteemed even though he's from Alaska. Dexter Pittman is clearly a fake person. Eddy Curry is clearly 3 fake people in one real person. Mike Miller is one more strange hairstyle away from the Neighborhood Watch list. And the other assholes are irrelevant.

If the Miami Heat weren't the real-life version of the MonStars from Space Jam, I'd hate them so much right now. Sweaters, hipster glasses, denim jackets, and absolutely NO basketball screenshots/highlights was not on the syllabus for "Pregame Intros 101."