Something Happened To Me During The Victoria's Secret Fashion Show

If you're not following me on Twitter (@WMsDiary) you're missing out because this fashion show sent me into a god damn tailspin.

I had no intention of watching because of the accessibility I have to any of these chicks with a quick Youtube search. Ohio State-Duke was on, I had a nice spot on the couch, and I couldn't find the remote. Things weren't looking good for the angels. Then I took a quick bathroom break and Ohio State was up like 200 points, so I figured I'd pop on this fashion show and see what all the fuss was about. Keep in mind, I never watched one before, so I didn't know what to expect. My mind was fucking blown to bits. Then someone found those bits and lit them on fire with magma.

This shit was the most cut-and-dry program I have ever seen on television. Literally everyone involved in production deserves a Nobel prize. As soon as I turned it on, it was a spectacle of lights, boobs, butts, and that song Jay-Z and Kanye are over playing. I'm still trying to get perspective on what actually happened. Here are some "notes" I took down while I tried to un-mush my brain:

-None of those chicks can speak proper English. Not even the American ones. I guess that's the one perk of having a hot daughter as a parent, you legit don't have to teach them ANYTHING and they'll end up successful.

-I started thinking about Adrian Lima and how many homeless people I'd kill before my conscience started weighing on me. 11 is the number.

-Kanye is going to have his pick of the fucking litter from these girls.

-Adam Levine, Jay-Z, and Orlando Bloom were killing the "I know I'm dating/married to an absolute dimepiece" look. Some real alpha shit that I'll never understand.

-"N****s In Paris" is going through Rigor Mortis. Sad to watch.

-As I was watching, I realized that despite what I think, I've never actually hooked up with a hot girl. I thought I did, but this shit slammed that door shut. On my hypothetical fingers.

-Nicki Minaj looked like a troll-gremlin out there next to the angels and she's really hot.

-When all the models and singers were on stage hugging with the confetti falling...I could have died right in the middle of that.

To summarize: I was consistently laughing when I'm pretty sure no funny jokes were made the entire show, I thought I was going to cry midway through when I accepted I'd never hook up with that caliber of a girl, and finally, I got mad at myself for tweeting so much. RANGE of emotions.

Follow that Twitta.