Long-Distance Relationship Pillows Redefine The Term "Bad Idea"

Let's be honest, your boy isn't exactly a relationship savant. Takes a lot for a girl to grow to love a kid that blogs in his boxers and DVRs like 29 shows on a weekly basis. Hell, it takes a lot for me to do that.

A long-distance relationship is a special kind of diseased animal. I'm terrible at it. It requires tons of phone conversation, which I hate. Everything that really needs to be said can be hashed out in a cool 5 minutes. Anything longer is a disgusting concoction of time wasted, "no you hang up"s, and poor signal. I can tell you what happened on a given day in less than 30 seconds. The other 4 minutes and 30 seconds is as bullshit as bullshit can be. So with that, I can confidently say that the long-distance relationship pillow would be a perfect complimentary item in my unintentional quest to destroy every relationship I connive myself into.

Hold up. You have to wear a ring AND a chest plate in order to maintain a fucking signal with these things? Shit weighs like 12 pounds and almost assures an argument within the first week of wearing it. Little known fact about girls with boyfriends: they go to bed ridiculously early. Once that boyfriend elephant is off a girl's back, all of their stress is gone and they go to bed at like 8:30 p.m. It's remarkable. So once that girl goes to sleep and logs in (?) to her pillow, she's expecting you to be winding it down with her. Little does she know, you just cracked open a Bud Light, pulled out your laptop and started a new hilarious post on Working Man's Diary. Calamity. Outrageous phone calls over 5 minutes start, nightly pillow check-ins are mandatory, and that one time you got so blacked out you forgot to wear your relationship pillow ring/chest-plate will get brought up over and over again. That's no way to live. We're through hypothetical girlfriend.

Nuts and bolts, I'm a C-grade boyfriend. I've described myself to my roommates and other friends in NFL terms as a player with 1st round talent that slipped to the 3rd round because of "character issues."

-Thanks ER