Friends Ask Dub: "Can You Pick Up A Girl On Black Friday?"

Looks like you have a pretty good shot at finding the girl of your dreams somewhere in there

I don't like to make fun of questions because they fuel these blogs and people seem to like them, but this is the dumbest fucking question yet.  It's Black Friday, or as I'd like to say, Friday.  It's pretty clear that women are at their worst during this God forsaken day.

For the past 12 years, my Mom wakes me up at some absurd hour asking me if I want to go with her.  Or so she claims, because I have yet to respond to someone when they spoke to me before 7am.  Unless it's cool 7am where anything goes.  Cool 7am is when you're so blacked out, your body skipped the pass out point, and went straight to fight or flight and is struggling to keep you alive.  Only then is it ok because you're probably trying to save my life.  But aside from that, chill Mom.  So for starters, if you want to be eligible to even pick up this girl you want, you have to wake up at the ass-dick of dawn.  

Say you wake up, put on the guise that you're genuinely trying to find good deals, and get out there, then what?  You're standing there in a cramped irritable line with cramped irritable ladies trying to get a Sing-Along Elmo for their badass kid.  I mean, if you're into past-their-prime married women with children I'd like to call this the jackpot scenario, but I'm assuming you're not a serial killer/degenerate.  If you're stuck in this spot, I'd recommend looking behind you and praying that you see a girl with the same creepy agenda as you standing alone.  Maybe, just maybe you'll have a shot in that scenario.  Don't even consider trying to find a girl once the store opens because people fucking DIE on Black Friday.  I'm pretty sure more people die from Black Friday than snake bites and let me tell you, that sucks for snakes.  No deadly animal wants to be outdone by shopping.

To answer your question: no you can't pick up a girl during Black Friday unless the stars truly align jackass.  Just sleep till like 3pm, text your Mom that you want turkey sandwiches even though you're in the same house, and play video games all day because you can.  It's the Dub Jeezy Black Friday policy and if it's not broke, don't fix it.