Can’t Quite Put My Finger On The Purposes of Alcohol-Free Whiskey

I’m currently in the process of dipping my toes into the whiskey game because it’s socially acceptable to drink as a 24 year old. Don’t get me wrong, I will still do work on BL Smoothies aka Bud Lights like it’s my job, but I enjoy giving off the impression that I’m respectable. If it looks, smells, and drinks classy, there’s a good chance it is classy. No sugarcoating. I’m just trying to trick people.

Fake whiskey throws everything off though. Girls sipping faux Jack and Cokes letting me hit on them for 15 minutes of fruitless courtship is downright cruel. Talking to a sober girl at a bar is one of the worst experiences in the world. Especially if she’s hot. Her high horse and holier than thou attitude becomes magnified by how drunk you are and creates a string of embarrassing, “I don’t drink.” “WHAT?!” exchanges. Then it’s 1:54 a.m., you’re blacked out and you starting to buy into the fact that you may be an alcoholic.

So ArKay, chill the fuck out with your smoke and mirrors tactic. I have enough issues out there without these fake whiskey shot smokebombs you’re throwing at me. Bringing a god damn gun to a knife fight.