At What Point Do I Become a ‘Cat Guy’?

So the follow up to my first post about urinals has been delayed indefinitely due to unforeseen creepiness/unwelcome sexual undertones. Expect it done right around the time when Detox comes out.

But fret not, teeming masses. As a malnourished, poorly socially adjusted white kid, I’ve got plenty more to gripe about.

First things first, can we talk about this picture? Lab goggles, a cat, some weird-ass looking gun, 9 squashes, and one lonely cucumber...all I can say is why?

On that note, I just recently adopted a kitten. I didn’t really think much of it at the time, because I’ve had cats in my house my whole life, but this is the first cat I’ve officially “owned.” Someone brought it up to me that I’m now officially a “cat guy.”

Now, the term “cat guy” is not to be confused with “crazy cat lady.” A crazy cat lady is a lady who hoards cats because they’re all she’s got. She drove everyone else away with her heinous smell and constant screaming of obscenities. Go figure. A cat guy is generally someone who is male, single, neat, and likes to keep various different body parts from his murder victims sealed up in his freezer. For an example, refer to the above picture.

I’ve been mulling this over for a little while now. I don’t think I’m a cat guy just yet, but only because my cat is still a kitten. So that means I have, what, 3 months left? After that, a female will probably never touch me again. Looks like I’m going into wife-finding turbo drive. Otherwise I’m looking at a lifetime of masturbation and filing my taxes on time.

On the plus side, a “kitten guy” is the complete opposite of a cat guy. Ladies are powerless against a kitten. In fact, who isn’t? Not even Adolf can resist a kitten's purr. They sound like tiny little lawn mowers. Better make these 3 months count. Winnie Cooper, I’m coming for you.

P.S. Legitimately considering investing in some kitten mittens.