Friends Ask Dub: "What Do You Do When You Go To The Gym?"

You mean aside from balancing Kim K. on my back outside the pool? But seriously, what a meathead question (that I secretly wanted to answer) to ask. Oh well, things are gonna get creepy.

First things first, you HAVE to set up that workout playlist on the Ipod. What reasonable person can dominate a workout without listening to "Nookie" at least 4 times? Once that's settled, I "scan" the cardio machine area with a confused look on my face. This is solely to see what female talent is around. I wish there was a graph that showed how many reps I lifted when a cute girl was around versus how many I do without a girl. Shit would look like the '08 stock market. As far as working out goes, I do straight vanity muscles meaning, I only do the muscles that have a chance to be seen by the outside public. Back? Pfft. Legs? Please, I have previously installed fast-twitch muscles, don't need to ever lift legs. Summer=more abs, not summer=less abs. Simple math for a simple dude. I'm no beefcake bodybuilder, I just do what I need to get done to be able to compete at 1:36am on Friday and Saturday nights. Vanity workouts include: curls, bench, that tricep pulley shit, pec flys, incline bench, gone. If I do more than that, I fucked up. Or there are several hot girls around at once.

My last play is to do one more speedier, less creepy scan and give at least two half-hearted smiles/glares to girls of my choice. You know, let 'em know who I am.

Lastly, I NEVER do cardio. It's stupid. What do I need to tighten up? My ass is awesome. And it's not like I need endurance for anything, because I sit at a computer 25 hours a day. As I said before, I have the prerequisite black fast twitch muscle, so I'm fast without doing anything at all. And don't tell me, "I do it for the runner's high." I ran track, that shit doesn't exist unless you mean throwing up and collapsing in the grass.

PS. It brightens my fucking month when a girl says I look like Reggie Bush.