Do People Actually Do Things On Saturday Afternoon?

I feel you potentially dead dog, I feel you.

Every time I get into that "How was your weekend?" chat it always goes the same way. It's at the point where I should have a template for that shit that I send to everyone. Tell them I got blacked out Friday and Saturday night and kind of crawled to the finish line Sunday night. Standard fare. Obviously I'm judged because let's be honest that's no way to live. But aside from the expected judgment, people are hitting me with fables of weekend "activities" that don't involve drinking or creeping out girls. What the fuck is an activity first of all? Does it mean "doing something?" I'd feel a LOT better and less confused if it meant that.

Let me breakdown a run of the mill Saturday morning afternoon for you. For starters, your boy is undeniably struggling something fierce. Bumping into walls and shit. Next, I make the move to check my cellphone to A) see if there's still time for McDonald's breakfast and B) check how unfortunate my outbox is looking and see who got the infamous Dub Jeezy 2:03am "wtas upp" text. Once that's squared away, I proceed to not do shittt. Literally just lay there with no intentions of sleeping, going on the computer, or turning on the TV. I call it reflection time. Then comes the comical internal question of, "Should I eat and/or shower?" It's comical because we all know the answer. If you're keeping track at home, HOURS have gone by without me eating, bathing, or interacting with 1 of my 4 roommates. It's bad. Basically, I'm not a human being. Just an alien that doesn't need food, water or social interaction. But just as soon as all hope seems lost, 7PM rolls around and it's fucking ON. Xfinity on Demand DJing, gross amounts of Polo Blue cologne, and a renewed sense of getting weird. It's called recharging the batteries assholes.

But yeah, stick to the apple orchards, pumpkin patches, and pear peninsulas. I'll be chillin' in my bed being too weak to click "confirm purchase" on an online food order.