Times of Crisis During Wedding Season: Don't Be That Guy

Now at the age of 24, I've reached that point in my life where wedding invitations are flooding through the mail on the reg during the summer months. Only one reaction came to mind during this very harsh realization...shiiiiitttt... Naturally as a kid I skated out of a few ceremonies in light of my parents not trusting me to actually be cordial. Don't get me wrong weddings seem like a blast, but there are definitely a number of things I need to get straight before I let loose and potentially ruin somebody's perfect day.

1) Attire: I was asked to be a groomsman for a wedding I'll be attending labor day weekend. My other buddies in the party insisted we rock white pants to the festivities. Last month I went shopping and found just one pair left in the store. Pants were a bit snug, so i figured I could drop a few pounds and be all good by the time of the wedding. Just recently tried the them on...not even close. Got two weeks to shrink a couple sizes or else I'm the only fat kid up there in different pants. White pants or bust...literally.

2) Finding A Date: If you're attending a friends wedding, no need to mark that plus one on the invitation. It's fine going stag and pretending you're cool enough to hit on the bridesmaids. Family events? Better find a friend or scoop up a girl quick so the rest of your family doesn't assume your a complete loser. Then of course when you bring someone your eccentric aunts will assume she's your future wife. Complete lose lose situation here.

3) Wedding Gift: Come on man. You know I got no money. Need to plan a discrete way of placing my non-factor item with the rest if I'm unable to switch up any cards. Nobody would actually switch up cards on presents would they? Has that ever happened? I can't believe that really just crossed my mind but I'll let you know next month.

4) Ceremony Antics: Best not trip walking down the aisle. Sure the bride's nervous about that but it's her day, not yours. Might say the wrong thing to the groom before he breaks out in sweat and storms out of the church. Certainly don't wanna stir the pot during the I Do's.

5a) Overall Appropriate Behavior At Reception: Every hot shot groomsman or bachelor in some way believes he's fucking Vince Vaughn out there. We've all seen Wedding Crashers. Hollywood does it right. We don't. Weddings are fit for all ages right? Of course until the drunk groomsman doesn't go so easy on the h'orderves and later causes a scene in front of the open bar. There's a fine line between having the time of your life and watching the bride's side of the family collectively shake their heads at you.

5b) Rehearsal Dinner: See above. Just don't fuck everything up the night prior. So these are the handful of the things that worry me as the wedding excursions near. Most of this tells you I'm a moron (and also says you probably shouldn't reserve a seat for me at your own wedding) but there's some noteworthy stuff in here. Take it in and best of luck.