These New Tickle Spas Sound Like The Worst

The. Worst.

There's nothing in the world worse than being tickled. There's drowning, being burnt to death, and being tickled, in no particular order. No one has laid an effective tickle attack on me since like '95, but it still sits in my memory like a late-night White Castle remains in my stomach from the weekend.

Dads love this shit for some reason because men are too stupid to remember how bad tickling affects kids. Like, "Oh, he's laughing. That means he's having a blast." No dad, ya jackass, I want to die. My limbs are spazzing out and I'm this fucking close to throwing up all over your work shoes. Does it have to come to that? That being said, once my dad caught on, tickling became the biggest threat in his deck of cards. Dude didn't have to mention a spanking or "smacking me upside my head." All he had to say was, "tickle, tickle, tickle" and every pea/string bean was reluctantly devoured and all necessary rooms were cleans. I just started pulling As and Gold Stars out of my pockets along with 7 successfully completed science fair projects--in case the first 6 weren't perfect.

Spas for tickling? Might as well reconstruct Chuck E. Cheese and make a place where kids can go to get waterboarded. If someone gives me or my wife a gift certificate for a god damn tickle spa one day, I'm 1 million percent smacking them in the face and smashing their cellphone.