An In-Depth Look Inside The Grimyness Of Basketball

As some of you may know, I used to be an avid basketball player. Played basically every day I could for years because I was way too much of a bitch to eff with football and lacked the essential element of hand-eye coordination for baseball. Plus I knew those crucial black genes would kick in at some point and make me able to run fast/jump high. I played organized until the end of high school and crushed the pick-up and intramural scene at college. Well after college ended, let's just say the ol' basketball became a little deflated, and the ol' competitive spirit was replaced with depression and borderline liver failure.

Nowadays I just try to stay afloat in pick-up street ball. It's the safest place to play when you're completely unsure of your skills or athleticism. If you're questioning, "Can I touch the backboard?", a lackluster pick-up game is the right place for you. It's more of a "put in what you get back" scenario because dudes out there are weird. Weird frontward facing hats, adidas COATS, and more than a few guys in jeans and Timberlands. A rolled ankle, heat stroke, and general discomfort don't phase these guys. But let me get to the main point. Random dick touching. I said it. Everyone plays defense. We do what they taught us in those camps. Watch you man's hips, keep one hand up, one hand down, etc. Every now and then you drive to the basket and you feel that graze. You know that fucking graze fellas. A slight yet, intensely uncomfortable graze of your sack. That layup ain't going in, and you ARE NOT making eye contact with that guy the rest of the game because he feels worse about it than you. Dude's probably questioning his sexuality when he should be getting rebounds--he's damn sure not boxing out. Really throws the game off kilter.

Other pet peeves I have on the court: dapping up the same guy twice after a game, saying something ridiculous instead of saying "bank/glass" because you're too tired to say real words, dick touching again, unfunny trash talk, dudes that definitely sprayed themselves with Axe before playing, twigs and shit on the court, when people don't help get your ball when it bounces on their court, hoops with no nets, airballing/swishing on a hoop with no net, having no idea where the water fountain is after a game, arguing out of bounds calls when I know I have a 9-5 to go to in the morning, getting schooled by kids clearly in high school-possibly middle school, not being that good anymore.

Done.