This shit was worse than when the nurse practioner was fondling my nether regions back in high school. Nothing was worse than getting called out of third period to go pay a visit to the woman with the coldest hands in the game. I'd come out of there like I saw a ghost. Just distant and paranoid the rest of the day.
Well, getting drug-tested is remarkably similar to that. Except there is no chick nurse practioner--just some Wario looking dude making questionable and untimely jokes. Dude could not have made it more uncomfortable. I thought it was going to be a quick in and out. Nope. Doppleganger Wario started the event by requesting payment. I had no idea how this shit worked so I reluctantly brought out my debit card accepting whatever dollar amount he was going to tell me. Then in a sinister cackle, he let me know, "Haha, wow, you don't have to pay." Good one bro. You really showed me. I'm simply here to R. Kelly this office and get on my merry way, not fake laugh at some terrible jokes.
Anyway, I just had my pride ripped away by this guy. Went in with no idea of rules or regulations. He patted me down like I was fucking Barry Bonds going into a piss test. Most assuredly crushing my nuts on that awkward front pad. Then Wario decided to stand in front of the bathroom while I did my business. Like I had some diabolical scheme to make my piss drug free. I'm Dub J, a kid of few talents--I can barely find your location, so I'm probably not siphoning fake piss through the plumbing of the toilet.
An absolute process that was. My recommendation to you all if you get a new job is to decline the drug test. When they tell you they can't employ you unless you submit to one, throw up two middle fingers and ride off into the sunset, flipping your leather duster jacket in the process.
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