Friday Night Tips: Do My (Or Your) Moves Cut It Out There?

I've been in the game for quite some time. The school-dance game, the bar game, the club game, you name it, I've been there with bells on. I've also recently gotten into the show "Lost" (late, I know) and I relate everything to survival now, so deal with it. Basically the dance floor is as nature channel we get as early/mid-20s men and women. We all watched that episode of "Planet Earth" where that weird bird with the face on its back had to dance it's ass off just to get some time with the girl. It's the same thing out there for us.

A combination of a good outfit, solid buzz, and a dastardly combo of game/smell should set you straight with most females out there. In some cases this leads you into part 2 of the battle. Level 2 for you video game nerds out there. Part two leads you to the dance floor 9 out of 10 times, so you best be prepared to get your weird bird-esque dance ritual going. I've been here. You can trust me. Most likely you're going to deal with either Top 40, some weird Reggae/Soca music, Hispanic music, or the classic singalong. Let's walk through each example and what you should do out there.

Top 40 is your best bet, because you know these songs and are comfortable moving with them. It's undoubtedly going to be a grinding scenario so literally all you have to do is show a semblance of rhythm and move your hips with the girl whether she's facing you or not. Easy money. Reggae/Soca will provide some issues for both of you. I don't even know what soca is, but I know there is a shit ton of disorienting sounds and indistinguishable languages. The best case scenario is if both parties know what they are doing. Worst is if one does. That's how people get hurt. The guy being overambitious and trying to keep up with a girl that knows how to work it to these tracks will be an unsuccessful guy. Just stay at home like they told you to in "Hitch"--if you haven't seen that movie, you shouldn't be reading this blog. Hispanic music essentially tells everyone who is not hispanic to get off the dance floor immediately. You can take the risk of doing it, I know I have, but it's simply not a good look. Swiveling about rubbing your belly and waving one hand in the air won't win you the game. Singalongs are a great bonding experience. A "You know this song?! I LOVE this song" type of deal. This scenario is more about knowing the words than dancing well to it. Fuck up the words to "Don't Stop Believing" and best believe she will be giving you that number with the fake Arkansas area code at the end of the night.

It's a simple game that is pretty tough to win, like Minesweeper on Expert. Yes, the bar/club dance scene is exactly like Minesweeper.

Happy hunting out there readers. Have a swell weekend.

This Video Is Not Realistic

Sure you can say 99% of videos aren't realistic due to effects and other technical stuff, but I am looking into the meat and the potatoes of the matter. Like in no way shape or form is a hot (presumably) 17 year old girl deciding between Sean Kingston and Justin Bieber. Especially in 2010 where "Fire Burnin" is just bothersome at this point. From a listening standpoint, "One Time" is safely tucked in the top 5 of my Itunes Top 25. I think "Take You There" made a brief appearance on my old computer's Top 25, but I am stressing brief. It was a party jam that all the girls wanted to hear and you gots'ta give the ladies what they want.

I'll buy the whole, J. Bieber is chillin' in that baller ass kitchen while Kingston is taking in some rays by the pool thing because they are both rich as fuck, but you can't sell me on this girl's selection issues. I'm no age-scientist, if those even exist, but I'm pretty sure Sean Kingston would be stepping over the "Out Of Bounds Line" of life if he considered dibble dabbling with this girl. He's like 32 right? This chick is (presumably) 17 and Bieber can't be more than 16 in lesbian haircut years, so it's meant to be this way.

I'm not a hater (I absolutely am), so this is just a neutral case of a guy recognizing when a video is absurdly weird and untrue. Either way, it's going to be a fucking jam whether we like it or not, so I recommend you get like me and start shining up your dancing shoes.

The Everyday Illusions of Stallone in Rocky IV

"He's worried! You Cut Him! You Hurt Him! You see? You see? He's not a machine, he's a MAN!!!"

You best believe when this scene pops in my head, the level of productivity sky rockets no matter the task at hand. The other day at work our system crashed so I was forced to re-create a daunting list of orders. I won't go into specifics but when that list began to shrink I couldn't help but hear Duke screaming NO PAIN in the back of my mind.

The only difference is I was literally battling technology (looking something more like this guy).  But it didn't matter because to me...in that particular moment..I was Rocky Balboa putting an end to the Cold War.

On my run today the Rocky Soundtrack found its way to the play list and subconsciously start sprinting. For those of you who don't know me...I don't sprint. I do know one thing. I will sprint when I'm Stallone in a training montage blasting Hearts on Fire while climbing the mountains of Russia. Miles will turn into marathons.

Now switching gears to Balboa's potential influence to a night on the town. Witnessing the roller coaster ride of Rocky while slamming beers before going out could go either way. A few weeks ago we were finishing more drinks than Drago lines in the entire script. It's a weird transition going from Rocky IV to the dance floor, but somewhere along the lines the adrenaline will provide the necessary switch to the Ne-Yo within.

In any case, it's vital to maintain the illusion of Rocky in everyday life. It may not work in some situations (or at all really), but it certainly makes everything just a bit more entertaining.

Can't Decide What's Cooler

Fire Illusion



vs

Random High School 360 Between The Legs



Straight up two different worlds in regards to videos. No real connection, so it is basically your love of sports/random acts of dunkitude vs. weird interesting stuff.

I can't decide, as indicated by the title of this post so I dug deeper into the essence of my being. I truly don't know what's happening in the fire video, but it's awesome. Like a triangle-cube-box type of situation. Strange yet intriguing, like this blog.

Dunks are always going to impress me, so I am going to toss my bias away. Sick dunk. I'll never be able to do it, but I like stuff that makes my mind swirl a little bit.

Fire Illusion wins.

Kobe, Lakers Remain #1 In Jersey Sales

And now we know why...If there's anyone out there really like this dude then Kobe's definitely got some bigger issues compared to Oklahoma City. The 'live interview' shown above is hilarious from the start with "hey Kobe text me somethin' man I'll text you back somethin' witty," followed by his proposal for a Santa Barbara day trip. The defending NBA champs still have some work to do before they can think about advancing to round 2. Game 6 is set for Friday night in Thunder territory.

Alert: Don't Give This Book To Your 5 Year Old

Super-sturdy pages, eh? Why do they need to be super-sturdy if my 5 year old's wispy little hands are going to be turning the pages?

I KNEW Grover was messed up. I called it out a few posts ago, because no one could put a finger (nor would anyone want to) on that guy. No one knew his thing per-say. Welp, now we know. He's a pedophile and he somehow coerced poor Elmo into finding something not on the page. We all know Elmo is a little slower than the rest of the Sesame Street muppets, so he's easily impressionable.

I refuse to go further in-depth into this because I am part traumatized, part angry at the guy who included Grover in the cast of muppets. Dude was bad news right from the start.

God I hope no one has/had this on their bookshelves because they are most assuredly fucked up people. No fault of their own, just Grover's sketchy ass.

Would You Eat This?

I just threw up in my own pass out. And I'm hungry, so you know this thing is gross. Everything appears to be going ok. There's a bun at the bottom, some cheese, then we have the patty.

Much like my life post-college, things went horribly, horribly wrong. Some quack decided to pour some macaroni and cheese on the burger and what can only be a puzzle-piece shaped slice of ham with coleslaw on top. Like what happened there? The guy behind the counter set stuff up, got about a quarter of the way through and just blacked out. When he came to he was covered in macaroni and mayonnaise. Some end of a murder-scene type shit. I've seen some fat people out there, so I know this thing was consumed, but isn't this thing a microcosm of America. Only in this country do we have the resources to put ham and macaroni on a burger. By the way what restaurant has all of this stuff? My best guess is the world-renowned "shit place to eat", Boston Market. The only fast food place still selling Cranberry sauce.

Shit's gross. What do you guys think? I know you're not going to comment, so just send it telepathically to me.

This Picture Has Been Plaguing Me For The Longest Time On The Internet...

I've tried to avoid posting this for as long as I could. It seemed like the easiest post of my life, but I kept dodging. I'd turn an internet corner and it'd be there. CNN.com, this picture finds me. Checking my bank balance online, this picture is there. Just begging to be fuckin' posted. Well listen here, you win. I'll talk about you, various Mortal Kombat ninjas hilariously playing Rock Band.

From what I gather, it appears that Sub-Zero is playing the bass, which is just wrong. Sub-Zero is arguably one of the most popular characters in the game in your got him strumming red and green all song? Really? Dude can make an ice-substitute for himself. You don't stick him in the back. What are Reptile and Smoke doing in some lead roles? I'm pretty sure Reptile doesn't even have vocal cords. Probably singing that Rage Against The Machine song where you don't actually have to sing the words. Smoke can undoubtedly rock it on the guitar because no one really knows what his power is. The guys at Midway were clearly reaching a bit on these two characters.

There I blogged about you picture. Now please, can you leave me alone?

The Truth About Pokemon

See more funny videos and funny pictures at CollegeHumor.

(gotta double click the video because I'm too dumb/lazy to format it smaller..it's worth it though)

Leave it to College Humor to say what we were all thinking long, long ago. I've had some serious gripes with the Pokemon franchise ever since I bought "Pokemon Snap." A game about taking fucking pictures of Pokemon. It was a complete and utter brainwashing by the folks at Nintendo.

I was the typical youth that was obsessed with everything Pokemon. I had the Red and Blue versions just so I could get the other, like 4 Pokemon exclusive to each game. Needless to say, Mom wasn't too keen on my reasoning. I had a bajillion cards that I didn't even know how to use. I just had the most holographic Charizards with weird numbers and symbols. Some of them Japanese. No reason for that. Back to Pokemon Snap though. When I finished (I don't even know how to win) the game it was like I snapped out of a trance. Yeah, I got the Gold version, but I was definitely on to the whole "we added 100 new and unique Pokemon" gimmick. They were basically the same ones with a very slight twist. That slight twist made them roughly $1 Billion. I feel like such an idiot to be honest. Waking up early to watch the show, buying worthless cards and games, and even getting a god damn fake Pokeball to throw at and harass my cat.

I would have had at least 1000 more dollars to toss around if Pokemon wasn't in my life. Plus my cat wouldn't hate me in fear that I would chuck a Pokeball at it. Crushing wallets and relationships. That's what you do Pokemon.

Thank you College Humor for finally ending this chapter of my life.

Who's Next: Stern Is Ready for Another $35K

      "When we play defense we're under a magnifying glass, but when we're on offense, there's no magnifying glasses. You've got to call it both ways. Dirk Nowitzki drives, he doesn't get fouled. They drive on the other end and they get the little ticky-tack fouls. So keep it consistent, that's all. Don't be one way or the other." -Erick Dampier - Dallas Mavericks - Fined $35K

"As far as the calls that he gets on the floor, I think a lot of the referees are treating him like a superstar; he gets to the line easy and often." -Phil Jackson (On Kevin Durant) - Los Angeles Lakers - Fined $35K

“Hopefully, the refs will start letting Dwight be a little physical and stop calling such tic-tac fouls on him, you know, give him a chance to play.” 
-Matt Barnes - Orlando Magic - Fined $35K (Magic head coach Stan Van Gundy also fined for choice words)

"I know that certain referees were trying to bait me to get a tech. You could see it coming from a mile away. Like I say, I don't like to be cheated. I can deal with a loss. I can deal with playing bad. I can deal with getting my [butt] busted. I just don't like to be cheated. Bottom line." -Rasheed Wallace - Boston Celtics - Fined $35K (Celtics forward Kevin Garnett also fined for choice words)

Wow...I don't know if I can handle waking up in the morning again to read that another professional couldn't help but cry about referees. David Stern needs to step his game up here. What's he getting at when players and coaches feel it's worth it to simply cut a check out to the league for more than my year salary in order to speak their mind. It's equivalent to the average dude contemplating if they should order an extra side of ranch with their wings for 25 cents more...ahh why not right?

Starting next season Stern's gotta figure out a way to further regulate... Suspensions are in order...or maybe it is about that time to actually reevaluate the lack of control in games. But hey, as long as the money goes directly to NBA Cares then we're all good.

How Does One Get Hit By These Things?

T's. The giant caterpillars of the bustling Boston Metropolis. Or giant elephants. Either way, they're big as fuck. What I've been noticing the past 5 years that I've been in Boston is the rampant T vs. Human interactions going on.

If you're not from Boston. T's truly look like large caterpillars to me. So when I hear that people are getting rocked by these things I imagine a world where big ass caterpillars are commonplace. It's definitely a "Alice In Wonderland"-esque daydream scenario, but nonetheless, these things are noticeable. "Man, 22, drilled by a T while wearing his $9.99 Sony Headphones", "Chick, 19, reading latest Texts From Last Night on her Blackberry slain by a slow moving B-line T that was ringing it's bell for like 35 seconds"---these are what the writers want to write in the headlines.

I mean I basically rock "Beats" by Dr. Dre headphones that cancel noise and I can easily evade these things on the morning and afternoon commutes. Plus, this is me early in the morning, which is essentially a really fly zombie roaming the streets. So guys, stop getting maimed by these gentle giants out there and pay the fuck attention.

So You're Saying She's Not Drunk?

Colleen, darling, this is quite possibly the worst video possible to to use to get dates. You said you're down for hang-gliding. Guys are a little bit nervous out there honey. Baby steps.

I'm all for rollin' with your mom though. Who isn't down for a "good time"? But you can't make me want your mom more than you. First off that's against my standards and secondly I am a guy, so you know I have no real standards. You're throwing me several dirty bones here.

I'm 22 and I don't need to get hammered and post videos on Comcast/Youtube. Come on Colleen, I am way more sophisticated than that. I go to bars Wednesday through Tuesday and make a fool of myself to get women. And believe me..it doesn't works. Like really really well.

T-minus two months until I start using this blog as a dating outlet.

If Pictures Can Explain Themselves...

What is that thing? No seriously, what the balls is that thing?! I've seen some disturbing pictures in my day, and it genuinely takes a lot to freak me out as much as this picture is. Like is it a horse-goat? A goat-horse? A dog? I would have to legitimately whip out the Pokedex to get a brief read on this son of a bitch creature. If you are a creature....

That kid. He's the worst part of this entire experience. He's the size of a 5 year old, but looks at least 37. He has that, "I've been working on the farms for most of my life and it has worn on my conception of reality" look on his face. Just fine with this mini-horse/goat/dog/mega-rat in his personal space. You best believe I'll be hiding in the nearest shed discovering this thing's weaknesses before I am sitting Indian-style giggling at it. That grown ass kid is crazy.

Oh, never mind, it's just Einstein, the diminutive Pinto challenging for the world record as the world's smallest horse.

Need Numbers!!! Lost My Phone AGAIN!!!

Stop it.

These groups might be the most frustrating thing about facebook. About 90% of these group invites are from people who never had my number to begin with. Does this actually work as an icebreaker? "Ugh Hey its me Mack.... I know crazy right I totally dropped my phone in the toilet on saturday I was SHWASTEDD ... sooo you wanna hang out later.........No??"

Odds are you have a close friend who has all the numbers you really need, get those and see the rest as a cleansing process... those people were just potential drunk dials anyway.

Is This What "Glee" Is All About? Because If It Is I'm In

So this is what all the hoopla is about. People are legit losing it over this show. Frankly I didn't even know what the plot was. Just the chick from "40 Year Old Virgin" crackin' jokes for 42 minutes. It's more. A whole lot more.

First off, this girl is kind of hot. Secondly, this used to be my jam once upon a fortnight, as indicated by my Itunes Top 25. If this is what high music class is like, I severely made the wrong choice in lifestyle. Why be the jock when people are jumping on chairs and getting felt up by cheerleaders in music class?

Chicks clawing at me while I am on the electric guitar rockin' to All American Rejects? Sign me up. Zac Efron was actually on his shit.

How A Real Life "Work" Draft Would Go For Me

In honor of our grossly incorrect mock draft, I decided to see how I'd project if there was a "draft" for straight working. Nothing real specific just the intangibles. Consider it more of a "drafting based on combine performance" type of thing.

Kiper and McShay got me pegged as a mid-late round pick, which is completely cool. For some reason I'd still be there in a Brooks Brother's suit chillin' in the draft lounge. The analysts are going to be confused as hell why I'm there. I'll assuredly be casually napping, eating the most free stuff, and getting in all the shots with the first round picks--to sell on Ebay when the whole work thing doesn't work out.

When I finally get drafted (shades above Mr. Irrelevant aka a dyslexic kid) Kiper and McShay will have their usual highlight and lowlight videos.

"You know, I really like this kids inability to show that he cares about anything he's doing out there. It's almost confusing how he has remained employed at places while actually not doing anything. Check the video here: watch as he opens and closes Facebook 15 times in a span of 7 minutes. He knows that aren't any updates, yet keeps clicking it. He keeps one excel document open at all times in case a co-worker or a boss walks by. His footstep recognition is incredible."

"I agree Mel, this kid manages to squeak by with consistent hour and a half lunch breaks and multiples restroom trips (rumor has it that he naps most of the time). He's definitely a different prospect than we are used to seeing. I feel like once he finally gets motivation, stops writing a shitty blog, and starts making some real bank, he can be a real value to a company. A true project."

I'd definitely be some JUCO level potential employee, except instead of pushing my girlfriend downstairs and missing multiple meetings, I am take 3-4 napshits a day. I am not volatile, but you can expect a few missed practices (work days) because of McDonalds, hangovers, or general ill-will towards that day.

Dub "The Red Flag" Jeezy.

12-year old Tony Royster Jr. Puts Me Back In My Place

So I've been playing drums for 12 year now...basically the same amount of time as kid pro's life span in the clip above (deep breath, sigh). Kid pro, Tony Royster Jr., in recent years is cashing in checks supplied by rapper Jay-Z on tour while holding endorsement deals with DW Drums, Sabian Cymbals, Vic Firth sticks, Evans drumheads, LP percussion, Drumframe, Shure microphones, every other drum company imaginable, and Warner Bros (?). Here's a clip of one of the 25-year old's latest showcases. Sometimes prodigies can send off a sense of inspiration...In this case I think I'll just stick to my day job.

First Annual WMD NFL Mock Draft Pt. 2

continuing, bitches.

17. San Francisco 49ers: Mike Iupati—OT Idaho

Literally the best thing to come out of Idaho in roughly 78 years, Mike Iupati is exactly what the 49ers need in order to make a true splash out West this year. Alex Smith, Vernon Davis, and Michael Crabtree all decided to be football player this year and Frank Gore is undoubtedly going to sprain his ankle in Week 6. Need for a good pass protector filled.

18. Pittsburgh Steelers: Earl Thomas--SS Texas

Another great player who despite going at 18 could just as easily go in the top 10. He has good speed and could even switch to corner at the next level. And just imagine how good he will get playing against Ben Roethlisberger and the practice squad for the first 6 games of the season…buzzzzing!

19. Atlanta Falcons- Brandon Graham--DE Michigan

The Falcons had more trouble rushing the passer last year than Rex Ryan trying to fit into a seat on an airplane. Graham is a high level pass rusher who never quits. My cousin played with him last year and said he should be great in the league. I’m not going to argue with him because he’s 6’4 245 so Graham should be great.

20. Houston Texans: Dez Bryant—WR Oklahoma St.

He might very well be off the board at this point, but dreamer can dream right. Houston would instantly become one of most explosive offenses in the league upon this pick up. ‘Dre Johnson and Bryant as the top two threats will make Matt “Stump The..” Schaub a very happy QB. When someone presents “character issues”, I present 3 excellent lawyers.

21. Dallas Cowboys: Taylor Mays--SS USC

Has the pedigree (father who played in the league) and measurables ( 6’3, 230 and runs a 4.4 40) that give him the potential to be ridiculously good at not only safety but probably like 4 other positions as well. His biggest knock is that he has poor lateral speed and lacks the instincts to do well in coverage. No worries though, I’m sure his soon to be mentor Roy Williams will teach him how to cover.

22. The Future World Champion New England Patriots (Chill)- Jared Odrick--DE Penn. State

Now we get to the most important part of the draft, the part where my New England Patriots take defend their division title. Jared Odrick is a big 3-4 defensive end who will tie up blocks and make everyone on his team better. (So pretty much the opposite of Dub Jeezy (Chillll) on a basketball court). After the Seymour trade they need a replacement DE and they find one here.

23. Green Bay Packers: Bruce Campbell –OT Maryland

Kidding. It’s actually Bruce Campbell from the famed Evil Dead Horror series. Him and his boomstick will defend Aaron Rodgers from all the terrors that could lurk around every corner. Mainly just Jared Allen. It’s great to see a 50+ year old actor lace it up and play a sport professionally that he has no experience playing.

24. Philadelphia Eagles: Sean Weatherspoon--OLB Missouri

The Eagles get a guy who can add some consistency to what was a shaky linebacking core. Great productivity in college and has been even more impressive in senior bowl and combine. Also has the intangibles to excel; probably the best shit-talker out of any of this year’s prospects.

25. Baltimore Ravens- DeMarius Thomas--WR Georgia Tech

Even with the trade for Anquan Boldin earlier in the season the Ravens have a real lack of wide receivers. Last year they had the worst wideouts in the league. Now with Anquan they are mediocre, DeMarius Thomas a freak athlete who has a lot to learn at the pro level will help them make sure the Ravens never have one of the worst receiving corps in football again.

26. Arizona Cardinals: Jerry Hughes—DE/OLB TCU

Another one of those prototypical tweeners. “Ah, I’m so fast and strong, they don’t know where to put me!! Ughhh.” Life sucks bro. I remember how it was when I was scouted for the NFL and they wanted to draft me at so many different position that they couldn’t decide. Left me all nerve-racked. It’s tough being good at everything football related Jerry.

27. Dallas Cowboys: Anthony Davis–OT Rutgers

The Cowboys get a big time OT out of Rutgers. The Cowboys also get 20 yds better a game on offense by getting Davis to replace Flozell Adams who was good for 4+ false starts a game.

28. San Diego Chargers: Linval Joseph--DE ECU

29. New York Jets: Kareem Jackson—CB Alabama

The Jets literally had the wildest off-season we’ve seen in awhile. They re-stocked their roster, sured up any issues they had regarding team needs, and inked a deal for the most entertaining season of “Hard Knocks” yet. If anyone remembers the AFC Championship game, Peyton Manning basically picked apart every corner that wasn’t named Darrelle Revis. Cromartie is a help, but teams are probably going to be playing with more than 2 wide receivers a few times during the game.

30. Minnesota Vikings: Carlos Dunlap--DE Florida

Already solid at most positions the Vikings go for the best value on the board with Carlos Dunlap. He has some serious character issues but a top 10 talent with potential to improve if he can stay out of trouble.

31. Indianapolis Colts: Rodger Saffold--OT Indiana

32. New Orleans Saints: Tim Tebow--QB Florida

LOLZ
--Tim came in and wrote this one for us.

So there you have it. Take that Mel Sniper and Todd McGay. The real gurus are here and we don't need hairpieces, fancy schmancy touchscreen displays, or sexy ass Sage Steele to prove our point. Tune in tonight to see us hit 100% of these. It's like buying a winning Powerball ticket.

See ya tonight.

First Annual WMD NFL Mock Draft Pt. 1

With the draft upon us, I had to assemble some of the best minds in the game to decipher some of the tough questions. Three bonafide draft-gurus helped me out with this one: T-Dot, EJT, and Juice played integral roles in coming up with this mock. Each person's picks will be color-coded with T-Dot being Orange, EJT being Red, and myself Dub Jeezy, being Blue. Enjoy the in-depth analysis and see how right we are tonight when the actual draft comes on.

1. St. Louis Rams- Sam Bradford--QB Oklahoma

The St. Louis Rams are awful, they have one good player and no one around him. QB is the most important football so they will draft the QB to fill that need. It's a perfect fit, the Rams can't block anyone, and every time Bradford gets hit, he gets injured think the Vince Carter of football. Expect him to look good early, and then get hurt. You can also expect the Rams to be picking in the same spot next year.

2. Detroit Lions: Ndamukong suh-- DT Nebraska

Can’t pronounce his name to save my life. He’s 6’5, 300lb+ and fast. I’m actually going to use the term motor because I am a f****** draft guru today. He’s 6’5, 300lb+ and has a motor on him. Suh has all the tools necessary to dominate at the NFL level, plus his head is shaped exactly like a pineapple. Sold.

3. Tampa Bay Buccaneers: Gerald McCoy--DT Oklahoma

Slightly smaller than suh at 295 but could dominate for the bucs just like warren sapp did 10 years earlier. Extremely productive in college and consistently dominated opponents. Don’t know how many times this happens but Mccoy comes in as the best player for his new team.

4. Washington Redskins- Russell Okung--OT Oklahoma St

Last year Jason Campbell got hit more than Rhianna (what too soon?) The Skins just traded for a franchise QB (McNabb) so they will pick someone to make sure he can throw the ball and not spend all of his time on his back. Okung is mountain of a man (no homo) at 6-5 300 lbs and he should be able to do the job.

5. Kansas City Chiefs: Trent Williams—OT Oklahoma (Big Draft for the state of Oklahoma huh?)

Just your resident big bastard O-Lineman. A lunch-pail type of guy that can do all the things you need of an offensive lineman which means he can basically block from any angle…like Tetris? A good pick for the constantly rebuilding Chiefs.

6. Seattle Seahawks: Bryan Bulaga--OT Iowa

Not much to say about this guy, just your typical midwestern, quiet, giant offensive lineman except he already has pro-style skill and technique. And if that’s not enough there is a philipines variety show called “Eat Bulaga” a term destined to be chanted by Seahawks fans for the next ten years.

7. Cleveland Browns- Eric Berry--SS Tennessee

Eric Berry is the second best player in this draft behind a man named Suh. He will get this far because teams don’t want to draft a safety this early. He will instantly be the best player on the Browns which only means that he will leave for New York when he realizes his teammates aren’t any good. Or maybe that will only happen in basketball, who knows?

8. Oakland Raiders: Jason Pierre-Paul (JPP)—DE USF

Immediately gets my vote for scariest player in the draft. 6’5 270, fast as balls, was once a JUCO prospect? Imagine scuffing this guy’s shoe at the club. You’ll be smushed Super Nintendo-style. Al Davis will probably draft the guy with the fastest 40 time though.

9. Buffalo Bills: Jimmy Clausen--QB Notre Dame

Undoubtedly the most controversial pick of this year’s draft. Despite being a consensus dick he put together a monster season (28 TD – 4 Int) last year on a sub-par team and has the size to play at the next level. He scored a 23 on the Wonderlic Test which is for sure the most useless stat in sports.


10. Jacksonville Jaguars- Derrick Morgan--DE Georgia Tech

The Jags were last in the NFL in sacks last year. Derrick Morgan has been compared to Julius Peppers. His production alone should increase their sacks from absolutely abysmal to just not very good. If you are a fan of the Jaguars that has to be something you can get behind.

11. Denver Broncos: Sergio Kindle--DE/OLB Texas

A very safe pick to sure up a mediocre defense. With the exception of a surprising stud Elvis Dumervil and the immortal Champ Bailey, this defense doesn’t really have a face. With a name like Sergio, I am sure he’ll add that face as well as a bunch of women’s numbers to his phone.

12. Miami Dolphins: Dan Williams--DT Tennessee

An absolute monster at 6’3 325 and probably drafted much higher if he was in a different class. He will hold down the middle of the 3-4 for “the Big Tuna” and dive at Tom Brady’s knees for years to come.

13. San Francisco- Joe Haden--CB Florida

Joe Haden is the best corner in this years draft. He will shut down the other teams receiver more often than not. But to be fair if you’re a San Francisco fan you probably care more that he looks good in his uniform than how he plays. Since I don’t play for that team I have no idea how Haden will be received in San Fran.

14. Seattle Seahawks: CJ Spiller—RB Clemson

Electrifying. That’s basically the only word you can use to describe CJ. Not really a good inside runner, but if you give him an inch, the guy is gone. He also had like 29 kickoff return TDs last year, so I guess that counts for something. Seattle, Pete Carroll, and CJ Spiller? It just doesn’t look right.

15. New York Giants: Rolando McClain--LB Alabama

Despite falling since earlier projections due to nagging foot injuries the guy still seems like a can’t miss prospect considering he was the All-American captain of a national championship team. Unfortunately for him he goes to the giants where he can watch Coach Coughlin and Eli Manning meltdown every 4th quarter for games 9-16.

16. Tennessee Titans- Kyle Wilson--Boise State

Kyle Wilson is the second best corner in this years very deep draft. The Titans had a very exciting pass defense last year. When I watched my Patriots play them last year I was very excited to see that the Titans couldn’t cover anyone. They need a corner in the worst way and Kyle Wilson is best available.

end of pt. 1.

Who in the World Will Take TO?

Is the band getting back together??? ESPN reports that the newly acquired Donovan McNabb is lobbying to bring Pro Bowl receiver Terrell Owens to the Washington Redskins.

Not so fast...because this is what McNabb had to say in regards to his previous unstable relationship: "I never said that to anyone about TO It's just not true. I'm in a new place, trying to get comfortable, not start anything or push for anything. I am very happy with the receivers I have." So before we dive into a false story about a controversial reunion...

Let's talk about who is willing to hire Owens. The Buffalo Bills certainly aren't keeping their arms wide open, knowing they didn't even know how to pass him the ball. In 2009 the Buffalo community waited patiently with their popcorn ready as TO went on to record a dismal 5 TD's from 55 total receptions. Cincinnati Bengals wide-out and center of attention Chad Ochocinco has confirmed his desire to have Owens sign with the Bengals.

"Here's what happend. Terrell and I were hanging out at our pool party on Wednesday," #85 stated through OCNN during the number of Super Bowl festivities. "He and I were talking about playing together. He thought it was a good idea. I went to bed early last night, around 9:30 p.m. But I did talk with Coach Marvin Lewis, who is coming to Miami." The problem with Chad is that we simply don't know if he's telling the truth...It's been at least a few months with no confirmed interest from anyone in the Bengals front office.

All I know for sure is that wherever Owens ends up, he shouldn't be looking too hard to invest in more brand cereal. It's likely that TO's Honey Nut Toasted Oats wasn't the hottest selling product in the state of New York.

He Got Game: Denzel Preparing Ray Allen for Tonight's Heroics

I can only go so long without polluting the blog in favor of my beloved teams. It's funny I was actually making an effort not to post on Celtics greatness, but as I look for a new story I can't help but catch Ray Allen net 7-of-9 from trey land in the first 3 blocks. Is this NBA Jam or what? Reggie Miller had me sold with his Jesus Shuttlesworth statement.  Couldn't resist sharing Denzel's teachings in He Got Game.

I Don't Know What This Thing Is, But I Wish It Well...

Sometimes you see something and know that it has a good soul, but it just wasn't dealt a good hand. This frog thing with human-like eyes is one of those creatures. He'll go into the pond, give you a solid day's work and you'll never hear about it. One of those good ol' fashioned, proud to be alive, don't take shit for granted frogs.

I will give a 1000% guarantee that I would not make this thing my pet though. I mean it's gross, potentially has human eyes, and some four-leaf clover foot thing going on. Certainly not baller.

Only exotic animals (or possums) and penguins allowed in Casa De Jeezy.

Put Me In A "Nightmare On Elm Street" Movie And Best Believe Freddy's Dead In Like 15 Minutes

^really? Just wrecking people with serrated steak knives?

I need to take a full timeout here. My squad (me) looks confused out there. Didn't Freddy die like 9 times already between 1985 and I guess, now? I remember Ma Jeezy foolishly bringing me into her bedroom to spit some knowledge when "Nightmare on Elm Street" was playing in the background. I was scared, I'm not going to lie about it, but years passed and I put a few things together.

Dude kills you in your dreams, right? At some point you can control your dreams I figure. So what's the problem? Even if I couldn't control the things going down, I'm not even sure he can kill me. Sure he'd scratch me up pretty good, but we have Neosporin for that. Those knives look tired (pun intended) and clearly not of the Martha Stewart Collection. If I am able to decide what goes down, it'll be on some video-game shit in nightmare land. Like I will be doing some all weapons and infinite ammo cheats in there. Hiding being corridors klobb choppin' him in the back. Freddy will be so pissed off. Just flying around dropping missiles on his ass like a round of Space Invaders.

It would be like a piss poor Adult Swim show with a budget of roughly $34.6 million. Ebert and Roeper will give it like -3 stars and Rotten Tomatoes will bash it--i'll probably win a Razzie, dedicate it to God like everyone else does. Plus it will receive an NC-17 rating for the subsequent gore due to my all-weapons code and my sultry scene with Megan Fox.

This will be an awful, awful movie.

Charles Barkley Shows Us How The "Every Man" Uses The Shake Weight

This video was as uncomfortable as I thought it was going to be before I watched it. Charles Barkley doing anything generally make me uneasy. Commentating, running, gambling, and soliciting prostitution are all made one point more awkward by Charles Barkley. Granted, I love the guy. I don't know why because of all the aforementioned reasons I listed, but I do. He's like having a dog that is annoying as shit, but you will always have a spot in your heart for it. Takes a crap in your room but will nestle on your feet when your cold kind of dog

Cheers to you Chuck, doing all the awkward things on air so we can watch and cringe.

"Oh, No Dogs Allowed?" "It's Cool, I'll Just Wait Outside"

It's like me walking into 7-Eleven a couple weeks ago with no shirt on. It was hot as balls out and the pecs needed to be flashed. The store owners proceeded to flip their shit like pancakes. They sounded like a silent alarm or something. Spikes came out of the floor and Mario Kart-esque banana peels filled my path. Or they just told me to put on my shirt. It's a matter of perception people. Either way, I felt like I got played for a fool out there. Just trying to get a slushy minimally clothed--ain't nothing wrong with that. I put up a minor hissy fit, put on my shirt, and reluctantly purchased my slushy. I think the best move would have been to just take away my slushy business from 7-Eleven entirely and got on my "dog-sitting like a human" shit outside.

I wouldn't have gotten a slushy, they wouldn't have gotten my business. The kicker would have been my icy stare through the window..oh, and the fact that I'd be standing on all fours.

If You Have Two Hundred Bullets Left In The Klobb, Will A Dude Just Choppin' Away Kill You?

You know what I'm talking about. The Nintendo 64 video game MVP, "007: GoldenEye" was in everyone's shoebox back in the late 90s early 2000s. I had my first genuine swears to this game. Not the "I said the 's' word" because it was edgy and had potential to shock the 5th grade landscape. It was the 3am, fueled on all sorts of Mountain Dew and cookie/chip combination swears. The ones that made mom ask if everything is ok. The reason these problems developed stems solely from the "asshole friend" of video game guns. The gun that's always around with plenty of bullets, but no one wants to have. Especially when you're backed in a corner.

The loneliest corner in the world becomes a reality when you are stuck in the "Facility" bathroom with only 100 bullets left in your fucking Klobb. Look at the picture. The gun just look like it's made poorly. Bullets made of gummy bears or something. Honestly, I have been in a scenario where a person saw me haphazardly shooting my Klobb in defense of his maniacal chopping. What kind of world do we live in where 3 chops is A LOT more effective in killing someone than..um..bullets? When the bullets are gummy bears that's when. Dudes were trying to catch those sad gummy loft shots in their pocket to save for later after I was dead. Shit was embarrassing. Everyone had Golden Guns and Soviets, while I was working. Looking in strange corridors, flipping unflippable boxes, and going through secret doors. Never to any avail...

I would describe myself as the blue-collar GoldenEye player. Just working hard and getting no wins.

Whats Up Bro, Trying To Get a Lift In?

Whaatt??? For those who are unaware there is a new revolutionary way to get jacked. However, like with everything in life there is a slightly homosexual kicker. The Shake Weight is ...a little... weird. Don't get me wrong, I'm down for maximizing my workouts while minimizing my effort, but there's something about the Shake Weight that I just can't get on board with. I'm more of a traditional bench press guy. Maybe a couple sit-ups or planks, throw in some curls if I'm feelin' ambitious and call it a day. Craw, he's more of a throw the game on, grab a spot on the couch, tray of nachos and turn up the AbTronic sorta guy.

If Routinely Going To Work Hungover As Balls Is Cool, You Can Call Me Miles Davis

^I feel you drunken baby...I feel you.

When you wake up in the morning and your body decides to play the old fashioned dice game of "Eat, Shit, or Throw Up", you know you're not fit for real-life for another 5-7 hours. For those who don't know, that old dice game represents your body's hungover confusion at what you should immediately do upon waking up. Your stomach is awry and is not transmitting the correct information to your brain, thus creating a roll of the dice scenario.

Let me tell you, dollar draft night is a gift and a curse. On the one hand, drinks are a dollar and you know you won't have a bad bar tab. On the other hand, they only serve them from 10pm-12am because Boston is ridiculous. It becomes a god damn grab bag scenario similar to the bread lines of the Great Depression. People just lining the gate sticking their hands through the bars hoping to get a loaf of bread (or like 3-5 beers). When you are lucky enough to get the call you buy in bulk because you don't know if you'll ever make it back. This leads to consistent double fisting (YEA!) which in turn leads to a quick, borderline sloppy drunk. No one's trying to deal with you when you're dancing to Lady Gaga spilling beers all over people. Needless to say, Thursdays quickly turn into Fridays, which is a good thing, except for the awkward encounter with Friday morning.

You generally wake up on this treacherous morning at roughly 25% intoxication level from the previous night depending on when you went to bed. This 25% can also make you bonified drunk in the morning if you were sloppy as hell the night before. I was this case. When your bed feels like a cloud composed of happiness and serenity, you know you're pretty out of it. Then I rolled the figurative dice for everyone's favorite on-the-fly bodily decision game. Due to time constraints and fear of a sore throat, I opted to eat a bacon egg & cheese bagel. I still don't know if that was the right decision.

Basically all I've done today is put up a filled Excel sheet, lean back in my chair and take small, concentrated sips from a water bottle in 3 minute increments. Are you ready for the weekend? I sure am.

Can Lil Wayne Keep Working In Prison?

Times they are changing...Since when is it alright to have Internet connection when serving a respective jail sentence. No worries everyone, mega-star rapper Lil Wayne is alive and well, as we can see on his new blog from the big house. Yes, weezythanxyou.com is available to all from the man himself during his time isolated from the world. Good to know if I ever decide to commit a federal crime I can keep posting on the Working Man's Diary.

"Life happens quick. The more time you spend contemplating what you should have done, you lose valuable time planning what you can and will do," says Wayne through probable wifi hookup in prison. "Trying to tear down the past prohibits you from building up your future. So for my time here, my physical will be confined to the yard. My love and my spirit, however, know no boundaries."

Reports confirm he hand writes everything with his team coming in from there to type and format his words to the site...But let's be serious. I'm guessing the possibilities are endless. There's no boundaries here, and no excuses to stop working. I'm talking albums, tours, the whole works. You know he's got Drake set up on gmail. There's gotta be some kind of mixing program on his laptop. Who's to say they can't put him on jumbotrons through vidchat at major venues all over the country. That'll certainly be the day...and I don't think we're too far off.

Remember When Candace Parker Beat JR Smith In The H.S. Dunk Contest?

Looks fairly close when you put them on top of each other right? I just laughed too. No, but seriously Candace's fingertips barely grazing the rim is clearly more impressive than J.R. Smith hitting his head on the fucking scoreboard though. Ludicrous. I don't know why this is rousing such a response from me like 7 years later. It's like I just got over what happened. A true tragedy in my life. I'm all for women's rights believe me, but you can't let this slide America. Look at where JR's hand is, it's absurd. Plus I am in love with Candace, she is by far the hottest women's basketball player ever (married to the ugliest men's bball player in recent memory), so you know I not hating on her.

If I were J.R. I'd be having some pretty consistent PTSD going on in my life. Waking up in cold sweats saying, "She shot a lay-up and grabbed the rim! I 360'd from the foul line! Why God? Whyyyyy!!!" I feel pretty bad, but then again women always have the "we bear children" thing that acts as the ultimate "Get Out Of Jail Free" card.

I feel like the enemy in your standard 90s era cartoon: "You beat me this time Candace, but this is just the beginning!!! as I'm petting a large white cat with a mischievous grin.

Goodnight. Legitimately don't let the bed bugs bite, they are a motherfucker.

What To Do When Stephen Hawking Is Just Chillin' In Your "I Go To This College" Photo

First off, you tag the shit out of that son of a bitch. How often do you see Stephen Hawking strolling about the quad just computer gaming on chicks ? You best believe that will be my profile picture for at least 1.5 years. The caption will obviously be, "oh you know, just me chillin' with Stephen H. Baby LOLZ."

I haven't had that moment. That "there's a borderline celebrity inhabiting the background of my photo" moment. It looks pretty special. A moment where I can criticize my picture with terms other than, "man, I am fucking hammered" or "jesus, that's what she looked like." It'd be a more positive way to go about it. A happy realization I guess.

Congrats dude in picture. It's like the Facebook equivalent of seeing a god damn unicorn.

What's Scarier...Chickens Or Jello?

anddd



The obvious answer here is the chicken, but I urge you too look into this closer. Think about when you were a little kid and you simply didn't know what was going on with Jello. I asked so much questions about that shit that literally made my head spin. Like I needed at least a 10 page research paper on the stuff before it could get placed in my bowl.

Then again, chickens are terrifying. 6-foot pigeons running around in yellow suits offering advice on tough social situations weren't exactly my cup of tea. Basically Sesame Street isn't the best show to teach little kids anything. I've said it one too many times, that anything that presents a 5:1 ratio in questions to answers is not the move at all. Snuffy, Grover, and Oscar...really? You expect me to learn about judgment and unification from a Mastadon, a pedophile, and a homeless. No thank you.

Chickens win. Plus it's a funnier video

My Take on the New KFC Double Down

For those who aren't sure as to whether they should take a turn into the next Kentucky Fried Chicken for the new Double Down sandwich, I'm here to tell you that it's certainly worth the risk. Yesterday morning I was challenged by a co-worker to experience the Colonel's new craft. As one who's conquered high risk eating challenges before, I believed I was due to try something different, something new, something that has changed the concept of a sandwich forever.

When I first walked in to order I looked around to see if there were any others in for the Double Down. Two guys were sitting to the right with an order of popcorn chicken and mac 'n cheese. I thought it would only be appropriate for someone to immediately escort them out on this monumental day...but then...the semi-decent looking girl in front of me proceeded to confidently place her order: "Double Down with large fries and some biscuits on the side." Before I was able to ask where women like her are hiding in everyday society...it was my turn to face the music. Time to get focused...there was no turning back from here.

Five minutes later, I'm staring at the best invented food combination since corn dogs. I opened the box to find the sandwich to be a little smaller then expected without weighing in the density factor. I definitely overlooked the special Colonel sauce implemented with the product, which turned out to be nothing short of majestic. The only real flaw in the special design was the inability to get a firm grip on the chicken "bun." Just comes with the territory I suppose in light of the fact that it is fried chicken. Overall a great experience in the restaurant, and one of the more enjoyable lunches I've had in quite some time.

Here's where the going got tough...It hit me like a ton of bricks on the walk back to work. It was sort of like desperately needing a shower en route to completing a walk of shame...but this time KFC is what you don't wanna be running in to anytime soon. Around 3:00 PM I reached full circle in the bathroom.

That's when I knew I was going to be okay.

The Double Down is something everyone should experience. No other chain fast food sandwich can provide the physical and mental leaps and bounds it took to feast on this unearthly, unique invention. Don't sit and let the Double Down pass you by...I urge you to seize the moment and head to KFC.

Searching Yahoo Answers For "How Does One Acquire A Chameleon"

Impressive Chameleon - watch more funny videos

Seriously, this is the sneaky coolest animal in the game. Forget cats and dogs, I'm in for littering my house with chameleons. I feel that friends will come over and repeatedly kill them because, well, they're chameleons, but whatevs. "Yo man, I think, I, um, smushed something on your couch", "God dammit man, that's the 3rd chameleon you killed this week." Granted, I won't be able to use the bathroom without scanning the toilet seat for chameleons, but it's a necessary trial one has to experience in their life. A test of adversity.

Can a man get like 27 chameleons, blindly scatter them throughout his house, and not accidentally step/sit on them for one full week?

VH1, I'm here and I will work for peanuts.


---thanks to a special friend for this vid.

I Refuse To Believe Vodka Tastes Better With Bacon

Like I've said many times before on this blog, this shit is certainly real. Again I ask..why? Why do you truly believe it's fine to stray from exotic fruits guys? Sometimes I wish I could sit in on some marketing meetings at companies. Like, "no Pepsi, don't make Pepsi Blue, no one will know what it is" and "please random vodka company, no one's out there begging that a bacon-flavored vodka get released." I'd be like the ghost of marketing past, just schooling dudes on target-audiences and percentage of market share. Nah, I probably wouldn't. Mainly because that shit is nerdy, but they'd get the idea.

How quick would you vomit if you took a bacon vodka shot? After you threw up 3 times because of the smell alone, could you even possibly begin to think about taking that shot? The bacon shot would become the new "birthday shot." You know that shot. The one strictly for 21st birthdays where the ultimate goal is to get the birthday boy to throw up everywhere because we're great friends. The Three-Wisemen and the Four-Horsemen will be replaced with the Bacon shot.

"Yo Ron, take this bacon shot man, it will get you going"

Ron proceeds to induce vomiting.

"Hell no, I'm out."

Just try to see what happens if you bring some girls to your VIP table and have bottles of bacon vodka chillin' on ice. It'll be a lonely night.

In The End...We Are Douchebags

I scoured the internet for weeks looking for a video to legitimately getting me laughing like I used to back in '95. Nothing beat a hearty belly-laugh from an episode of "Rugrats." Not that I am comparing this video to the Nickelodeon hit, because this is quite possibly the polar opposite of whatever Rugrats' humor was about.

Either way, I see every one of these people throughout the course of the day. I have this guy in my office that is a baller. Flaunts his Gucci shoes, while I continue to rock my scuffed up Dockers. Then there's the Gym D-Bag. The guy that refuses to get off the bench even though he's done about 10 sets, adding 5 lbs each set. C'mon bro. And the last couple of guys are exclusively seen at bars. Mr. Popped Collar and The All-Around D-Bag are mainstays at the local drinkeries.

Now that I think of it, I hang out with Douchebags like 75% of the day. No wonder I write this blog. It's like a coping method.

Backwards Bowler Proves Innovation Is Key

How does one acquire a talent like this. The dude said he was a terrible normal bowler, which in turn led him to try backwards because...well...it simply couldn't get any worse. Years later he's the main attraction every time he hits the alley, averaging 184 with a 279 career high...backwards. The sharp, suave delivery is on point between the speed and accuracy to the way he's able to turn his shoulders just enough to watch the pins fall.

This is a clear message that it's time to get innovative. Yes, it's time to go about things in a more unorthodox manner. This guy can draw a crowd any given night and should be racking in endorsements through stumbling upon his God given, random, unusual ability. So I will now dismiss myself from the computer and see how difficult it is to perfect underhand basketball shots while thinking of other cool shit to work on.

Need A Lot Of Cute Images In My Life Right Now

Just saw this picture and didn't bother reading the heartwarming tale behind it. I just needed to see something that made me happy. Oh yea, by the way, I lived through the weekend, if you want to call what I am experiencing living. I'm pretty positive that my soul tried to escape on two separate occasions this weekend. I asked co-blogger Craw (who has had his soul escape him on a particularly debaucherous weekend) and he said that shit was about to leave. We rolled up the window and kept his ass inside.

So back to the picture. It's just a lion cub chillin' hard with two kittens from another species of cat. No sense of differentiation, just a "You got whiskers? So do I" love recognition. Beautiful on like 17 accounts. Whenever I get the "bump" feeling you randomly get in your head every 30 minutes when you're hungover (yes, I've been hungover for 36 hours), I will replace the sharp images of pain and despair with the kitten/cub brigade up here.

Also, I've been listening to Kid Cudi's "Save My Soul" on repeat in an effort to keep that mo'fo locked in tight.

Mark Sanchez Studying At Yale In Effort To Get "Smart" Before The Season

Oh, it's just Mark Sanchez taking over the entire Yale Bookstore because that's what the smart people do. They just take residence in Top-3 college bookstores and read planners and shit. Sure there aren't any words in that "book" Mark is reading, but you can tell he is putting in the necessary effort to become the best QB in the NFL.

I'm sure he's memorized everything from all the tapes of last year and just about every team's tendencies from the year 1994. He's that dedicated in the film room. Everyone thinks Mark is chillin' in Cali eating the most quesadillas and going out at night to bed models while subsequently poppin' bottles. It ain't like that. The guy is all over the East coast gimpin' around, making appearances, reading every book in Ivy League book stores, eating quesadillas, and bedding models. He's over achieving on every conceivable level of "making it." The ultimate 27 tool bro.

12-4 or bust next year. Calling it here. Come at me.

Welcome To The Jungle

Call me Baloo up in this bitch because it's going to get dumb tonight. Dumb as in, this is one of those classic blog moments where I think this is going to be my final post because I am going to die this weekend type of things.

Syracuse, NY, the setting of this weekend's debauchery, will feature a themed party that has been going on since the dawn of parties. The Jungle-Theme party. And it is exactly like the picture shown above. Monkeys with mallets and color-controllers everywhere. Just replace the monkeys with hot sorority girls, the mallets with beers, and the controllers with me and we have ourselves a realistic image of what this place is going to be like. Seriously though, I need this. This 9-5 (or 3, or whenever I work) is killing me, literally. I'm sick like 8 times a week, I get injured before I think about doing something athletic, and I'm becoming a robot, but like a worthless one on the C3PO level.

So you best believe I'm going to go lose my mind in there like your mom used to read about and act a fool. At this point I don't know when this will ever happen again and that's sad. I'm going to be like the Shawn "Heartbreak Kid" Michaels of wild parties tonight. It's going to be my swan song and my jersey is going to be put up in the rafters while the tears stream down my cheeks.

What's Scot Pollard Up to These Days?

For those of you who don't remember Scot Pollard...Well, basically in a nutshell Scot Pollard was a less than typical non-factor in the NBA for 11 seasons. He scattered his sub-par talent through a good chunk of the league between the Detroit Pistons, Sacramento Kings, Indiana Pacers, Cleveland Cavliers and Boston Celtics. So what's new with Scot Pollard? Nothing really, aside from the fact that he may be completely insane.

It's very likely you come across some strange comments browsing on Twitter. We all know Shaq, Ochocinco, Ron Artest (to name a few) are always good for a few jokes. But after laughing hysterically while browsing the comments and pictures Pollard has been kind enough to share with whoever cares, I start to ponder what his hobbies are away from the game of basketball. How about marajuana, cocaine, heroin? Who Knows? Am I jumping to conclusions? See PlanetPollard on Twitter for yourself...

Here's a few notables if you're not up for diving head first into the mind of Scot Pollard:

"In Sean connery voice, 'i'll take the rapists for $400,' trebek will ferrell as trebek, 'that's therapists, and I hate my job'"

http://twitpic.com/1e1rz8 - "I wanted to see myself how other people see me...no wonder people cross the street when I approach"

"If IF was a fifth, we'd all be drunk. But if IF was fudge without nuts? mmmmm"

"Damn, just caught myself watching my kids cartoon's. They left the room 10 minutes ago. Maybe I should look into a job!"

From there I discovered the real entertainment...His actual website http://www.planetpollard.com/. I click on the blog section and this is the first thing I stumble upon:

"I went in yesterday, Monday the 5th of April. I’m thinking it’s something like an ingrown hair gone wild. No big deal. A little slice, a squeeze, and I’ll be on my way. WRONG! He took a look and told me it could be one of 3 different types of growths. All of which require excision. (that means he has to cut it out, kids) I said go for it, I haven’t been cut on in a while, let’s do this! (still thinking it’s gonna be a quick deal) He pulls out a needle to numb me, and he says, while I’m laying on my stomach, naked from the waist down, with a drop cloth over my legs, standing directly over my back-side...'I’m gonna give you all of this!' I started laughing so hard, he had to stop poking me with the needle cuz I was making more holes than needed! So I composed myself by not thinking of lots of jokes myself and my friends were gonna be telling about this day. Plus the needle stung a little." (continue reading)

I've always wondered what life after the NBA is like for some of these guys. So thank you, Scot Pollard, for shedding some light on the subject.

Simply a Must Watch

This one's been all over the blogs today but how can you not post this magic? Everyone needs to see this video one way or another. How does this happen?! I heard the clip on the radio this morning and initially asked why they were playing Whitney Houston acapella...It's like Susan Boyle part 2. Keep singing your heart out kid, and don't ever let anybody tell you bowl cuts are out of style.

Underwear Crisis: 2010

^what a normal gentleman's underwear drawer should look like.

Haha. I just made myself laugh with the notion of having a "drawer." What do you think, I'm made of money? I'm bins for life, or at least until I get a girlfriend or a raise, then all bets are off. You know it's bad when I get hungry looking at these fresh, pressed undies like I would get hungry looking at a pert Dub Cheezy fresh off the poorly cleaned grill. I am in a conundrum of epic proportions. I'm just a man that uses a laundry service that can't pick up his clothes until Sunday, with only 1 pair of undies left.

Back in my college days (or like one week ago) I would have milked a pair of boxer/boxer-briefs, until the sewing comes off. That has definitely happened by the way. 1 pair, 3 days no problem. That was my mindset. Just don't do anything too taxing. Avoid sweating, try to minimize any gaseous situations, and just stop fidgeting in chairs all together. Fidgeting causes unhinged stitching for all you "hygienic" bastards out there. Well, I am not in my college days anymore. I am on the upswing in life, or that's what I keep telling myself. I have the ability to go to the Stop & Shop and buy a 3 pack of Hanes Boxer-briefs. Here's the kicker though. I unknowingly bought the wrong size. Didn't know until after I came back from playing basketball and took a shower. What the balls is Stop & Shop selling whale-sized 42 inch underwear for? I thought that's where the beautiful people shopped. Anyway, I am down to one real pair until further notice (not counting marginally used compression shorts).

So, if you see me, don't ask why I am walking slowly and avoiding Mexican food until Sunday. This shit is like a religious practice. Seeing how I can survive and maintain social interaction with stank drawers. "Why not go back to Stop & Shop and get more underwear?" you ask? Answer: because Stop & Shop just straight up beat me--accepted my challenge and beat me fair and square. I'll be figuring out plans and execution strategies in the coming days....

This is mo'effin' proof that I will never have nothing to write about.

It's Probably For The Best Gordon Hayward's Shot Didn't Go In

^of course it's a 3 ref, put your arms down...

So, my heart just started beating at a normal clip following Monday's National Championship between Duke and Butler. As much as I hate Duke and developed a bandwagon love for Butler, I had to respect the effort of both teams. Never have I seen so many well executed screens, perfect jumpshots, and poor displays of athleticism. Did I mention this was the whitest final since like 1957? Anyway, race aside, this was a ball game. Almost too much of a ball game...

I had my laptop in my, um, lap most of the game, to creep and fiddle around during commercials. This proved to be more dangerous than I thought. Because I am a washed up athlete myself, the surge of basketball excitement brings me right back into my glory days like a Vietnam vet cries when he sees an explosion on TV. Too much? Eh, nah, we're edgy. Anyway, I am grabbing the sides of my computer like it's not worth a shit ton of money (many a day toiling away at the lemonade stand or hustlin' on the corner...you decide?) and freaking out anytime something crazy happens in the game. Basically no concept of reality. Game gets more and more intense and I can see myself, like an out of body experience, swinging my laptop above my head like a mad-man. Downright primitive shit. So needless to say, when that final shot went up my body put my laptop in shot-put formation ready to chuck that thing through the screen. When it rattled out my eyes unglazed, my veins chilled, and I came out of blackout state. It would be like being drunk off 15 beers and the next minute having the alcohol sucked out of you. A true night and day experience.

So if that shot went in, I probably wouldn't be typing to you right now...and I'd be drunk. A slippery slope really. I still think that herpe thing on his lip changed the trajectory of the shot.

That doesn't even make sense.