Celts to Sign Shaq for Alternative Reasons

For those of you who think the Celtics are working to bring in Shaquille O'Neal solely based on basketball abilities you're simply mistaken. The C's and Shaqtastic are a perfect match for 2011. Here's a few reasons why Boston can easily welcome in the The Big Aristotle with open arms.

With Diesel on the squad, the Celtics have the best roster ever assembled on paper when you throw age out the window. In the early Double-0's this All-Star team could spot the rest of the league 10 and not lose a single game. He also solidifies the Celts as the most ridiculous team of characters in league history between other notables that include Glen Davis, Nate Robinson, Paul Pierce and Kevin Garnett. If only we still had Sheed.

Shaq will most be utilized to wipe out his old teams. Conveniently, the other three major threats have each played host to the 4X NBA champion through the course of his 19-year career. If the C's can pull together another Finals run, they'll have to get through the Heat, Magic and Lakers to raise Banner 18.

It'll be easy to take down the new mega-trio in light of Shaq being sworn in as a reserve police officer during his time in Miami. Ever seen Celtic Pride? Moving onto Orlando, it certainly doesn't hurt to sub in the original Superman to harness Howard. He just has to bulldoze him a couple times and help draw a foul or two and we're good money. Then we get to LA, nothing would be better for Shaq than to deny Kobe Bryant of reaching Jordan status in NBA titles.

Even if he doesn't contribute much, the fact that he's on the opposing team alone will make for some great entertainment. So let's get it done Shaq. Give us a solid 10 minutes per game and make a few more funny/weird jokes along the way.