How Does One Grow Awesome Facial Hair?

I've tested the boundaries before on the appearance scale, but dudes like Larry McClure up here really put me to shame. Just a dream crushing stash right there. I'm not going to declare myself out of the great facial hair game, but we definitely took some damage.

Now I'm working this mini-beard with a mildly out of control hair thing right now. It can easily be misconstrued as gross which can present a legitimate problem. I haven't experienced much positive from this attempted beard, but I think it can pay off in the long run. Your standard investment really. Hair has become a topic of great debate these days in the WMD war room. Craw's like, "is my hair uncomfortable long, or is it awesome?" As a friend and a no-homo admirer of white people with long hair, I am obligated to say yes, but I also think it's because of beard insecurities.

Today at work, I had at least 2 Fruity Pebbles remnants stuck in my "beard." Took about 2 hours for someone to mention it. I'm at a crossroads.

I'm here at my computer with a figurative electric razor looking into a mirror with a single tear in my eye.