What Is THIS?

I can easily say that today was one of the WORST hangover work days of my life. So surprised I didn't get fired on the spot today. See that thing up there? It's possibly the most dangerous drink ever made. The ultimate upper-downer combination. 12 % alcohol by volume and enough caffeine to put a teenage horse down. Plus it's only $3, so I'm in.

Needless to say, it's an awful tasting drink. The watermelon flavored Loko tasted like a Natty Light and a melted watermelon Jolly Rancher were put into a GNC mixer bottle and shook up. Once you fend off the taste, you're definitely at a high concern level because you can feel your heart getting confused. Doesn't know whether to freak out or calm down. At that point you're 3/4's done and played about 17 consecutive Smash Bros. matches. At the end of one can, embarrassingly enough, I'm pretty sure I was shit hammered...or dying. Either one really. I topped that off with a paltry 3 additional beers and instantly became black out drunk. 1 Loko and 3 beers. That shit really put me in my place and aligned the stars for me. Thought I was the man, routinely going out drinking 12-16 beers and getting blacked out. Now that number is significantly smaller and I almost threw up at work when someone opened the window.

Time To Get Hyped for Deathly Hallows

The extended Deathly Hallows trailer for your viewing pleasure.

I may seem obsessed with the series knowing I just posted on the Wizarding World but whatever. This shit is awesome. Every HP fan has been ready for this since the dramatic climax in Half Blood Prince. The final chapter in two parts will be the most epic journey you've ever experienced in theatres. It's just too bad we have to wait months in between.

"Don't Tase Me You Young Whipper Snapper"

So I thought the entire "tasing" came and gone a long time ago. Oh how wrong I was. You know how strong companies revamp their images with a completely different type of product? Like how Nike decided to make headphones or how I somehow have 7 Powerade flash drives.

When you tase an 86 year old grandmother, you are trying to make a statement, and tasers, I believe it's a point well taken.

Most Messed Up Bit Of Anything You'll See All Day

Don't even know why I'm posting this because I closed my eyes and block the screen with my hand like 14 times in this 30 second commercial. Did anyone else's parents completely not recognize societal norms and get them a ridiculous "My Buddy" doll? Mine did and Jesus H. that was one of the scariest points of my life. Dude would make his ways to weird points in my room throughout the nights, I swear. Go to bed with the playa on the chair in the corner and wake up with him chillin' in the middle of the floor with his eyes rolled back. I 1-million % guarantee my dad was up to some non-funny shit back then, but clearly it messed me up because I am a 22 year old dude covering his eyes to a Youtube video on his own blog.

Nostalgia in the worst way possible.

Summer Thus Far Can Be Defined As One Word: SWEATING

A brotha is sweatin'. That's all I have to say right now. My fingers are slipping off the damn keys right now. From point A to point B, the kid is perspiring from orifices unforeseen. Woke up late as shit today, scrambled to put on some wack ass outfit--low and behold I'm dripping in sweat. I'm running to catch the train and my thighs sound like squeegees because of the gallons upon gallons of sweat I've accumulated. Thought the T was going to be air-conditioned--it wasn't. I'm just sitting there, breathing heavy, sweating PROFUSELY, and clearly destroying any semblance of a chance I have with the cutie that I ride with everyday.

I get into work and of course I'm sweating. People are asking what happened and I have to just shake my head because I'm too drained/defeated to speak. Shit's embarrassing when people can see you sweating hard through a black polo. When I finally work my way back to even, it's lunch time. I thought I'd dip into a place with AC, chill there, and make my ways back to the often following strictly shade filled paths. Things went the exact opposite. I somehow got myself involved in what I think was a protest and I got trapped inside of an angry mob for the better part of a half-hour. Not even kidding. At that point the day was a wash (at the brisk time of 12:19 pm) and I just had to make it through. I tried to go other places, but my feet lead me to McDonald's yet again. Against my will, my mouth decided to order an undisclosed amount of Dub Cheesys and back to the grind it was.

This is starting to drag and my fingers are struggling to make contact with the keys. It's like ice skating in this piece. Needless to say, no matter where you are and what you are doing, just know one thing...the kid Dub Jeezy is perspiring from his nose.

Haven’t Done This In Awhile…You Know What Grinds My Gears?

Office plants. Yup. Bet you didn’t see that one coming. Office plants seem like a phenomenal idea before someone actually buys them. Oh yea, that person’s an asshole. Just looking for an opportunity to step up, but blind to the easier, less terrible options available. I know there are the “photosynthesis is awesome” and “what up oxygen?” naysayers around, but where are all my “fuck-fruit-flies” people? The FFF-federation (you are LOVING this alliteration) is a newly formed organization headed by me and the piece of newspaper on my desk. CEO and President. Straight massacring fruit flies. Thing is, this federation wouldn’t have had to come about if it weren’t for those taunting lilacs across the way. Yeah, they’re chillin’ being all sniffed up on by these flies, but what do the flies do when they aren’t sniffing? They’re terrorizing your daily activities. Need that form? Two fruit flies are having sex on it. Can you pass me that stapler? Ehh, I think there are like 4 dead fruit flies on it. See what I mean? Shit’s an epidemic.

Main thing that is really bothering me is I think fruit flies beat the system and are playing god right in front of you. I’m convinced of this because every fruit fly you kill turns into 3 more. Try it out. You can’t get rid of them no matter how much of a spree you’re on (NOTE: I killed like 7 in a row during a 3 minute stint and I could have sworn I heard the dude in HALO slowly say “Slayer”).

Fruit flies: pissin’ things off since the Paleozoic Era.

One Of The Best Rap Songs Ever Performed Live On David Letterman's Roof?

I'm going to be honest. This location probably ranks in the "Top 5: Places a rap song like this should never happen" listing.

Check the 4:15 mark. Diddy has in hand in EVERYTHING New York City. At first it was impressive, now it's starting to get creepy.

The Power of Google Talk

Lame day at the office? Odds are these dudes right here aren't too busy, but more so investing their attention to the the lower right corner of the computer screen where the real magic is happening. G-Chat (and all other web messengers). Saves my life everyday. Here are a few gems between me and co-blogger Dub Jeezy over the past couple weeks.

Dub J: tonight im doing my own thing

wild'n out on the dance floor

Craw: absolutely

i need to wear a sweat proof shirt

dude just like the other weekend when we were break dancing

Dub J: hahah

Craw: "is this a wash?"

Craw: google talk freestyle - no chillin or relaxin im faxin - just bringin in paper to the max and - runnin shit right here sellin tix C - Feez at my desk drum kit makin hits

Dub J: Jesus man, light day

Dub J: im thinking up schemes
Craw: oh yeah?
Dub J: like putting myself up on craigslist
Craw: for what

Dub J: as a "life coach"

no real qualifications
charge a shit ton
but just a guy who gets the world, and can help someone

see if anyone bites

 

Yeah, definitely a big factor in surviving the daily 9-5. Nothing like getting ahead of schedule in the morning and setting a few minutes aside for some enlightening conversations. Gotta love Google.

Face. Just Straight Up Attacking Our Psyches

Wow, who remembered this guy being THIS terrifying? I was fascinated with him and Nick Jr's marketing scheme even from that age. They were saving a shit ton of money from the lack of anything they had to pay. We were just watching a green screen that made some questionable moves back in the day.

Check out the vid and see what you think, because I pretty much surmised that Face was a vagrant that lived life with no regard.

Can Dub J Acquire A Call?

We are essentially at the stage where I can't even take a shit on the back porch anymore. Everything I'm doing is being criticized to the n'th degree.

A playa tries to rap as a part of a band for a gay/lesbian/homosexual AIDS benefit and gets the god damn American Idol treatment. The most rank ass group of judges were assembled to critique each of the performances. Naturally we were up first and what I thought was a rockin' show turned out to be riddle with errors. Shit was like passing in an essay in AP English. You thought you killed it, but then you see some red pen and are registering a very strong, "fuck that" reading on the richter scale.

Like 6 people I've never met American Idol me and tell me that I have no "stage presence." What?! I am presence personified. I represented presence while I was in the womb. People knew what was up before I rocked Wee-boks in the crib. Needless to say I'm crushed, hammered, and defeated tonight. The kid will pick it up though, trust.

Till next time you crazy kids.

How Fun Is Slam Ball?

I can't remember if Slam Ball is showcased on FX, Versus or the Food Network channel but I've been meaning to catch a few games. I love how you can pass to yourself, goal tend, travel at will, deck people out in the open...all rules are essentially out the window.

If I were to sub into a Slam Ball contest you might as well just call the ambulance in advance. Even if untouched, the trampolines in the paint would end my career two minutes in (just like this kid). But where do they find these crazy dudes who are willing to put their lives on the line for a Bouncers jersey and some meal money. Needless to say, I'd still watch Slam Ball over soccer any day...

Just Michael Jackson Casually Feeding What I Have To Presume Is A Snapping Turtle

We all knew Mike was a little a lot of crazy back in the day, but I didn't know dude was spending afternoons putting his hand in the face of snapping turtles. Crazy people don't DARE go near snapping turtles. They're like crazy people repellent. Michael Jackson is so bat-shit that he doesn't even register what's going on here. That little kid and the Arabian(?) dude sure knew what's up. They're like 15 feet away just shakin' their heads thinkin', "Damn, I don't know how we ended up together, but Michael Jackson is pretty effed up, huh?", "Yeah man, that snapping turtle is scared as shit right now."

Umm, An Even More Must Watch Video?

Just snagged a couple great ones. This is like the Michael Jordan 63 point game years back. Everything I search on Youtube turns into gold. I could type: &daafupdown! into the search bar and I could come up with a bomb ass video. Enjoy.

Must Watch Video

EMBED-Guy Plays Super Mario Bros - Watch more free videos

Wow, this just changed my day from a sappy-possibly-entering-a-serious-bender Thursday into a sappy-possibly-entering-a-serious-bender-plus a cool Mario video Thursday.

Yea.

Kobe Looks Thrilled

Kobe is probably the least satisfied dude in the game right now. I guess that's what makes him the player he is though. In all honesty though, this has to be the wackest ride in Disney. It's not about Natalia man, you just won the title Bro. Ditch the wife and daughter and ask for that individual ride on the Superman (note: I hate roller coasters, but if I ever rode one it'd be that one. Doesn't make sense, I know) while the wife and kid's frolic about.

#2 thing Kobe is doing wrong here, is that he is not hanging out with Ron Artest. I'd make sure to have him as my right-hand man for at least 15 days straight after the Finals. Definitely making sure that man is nowhere near my kids, then we are hitting up Disney World--just two bros with NBA titles, one constantly upset and one bat-shit crazy. This is what sitcoms are made of.

Anyway, Kobe has the face of your standard father with a young kid that's not a boy. Generally disinterested and keeping an eye out for little 5 year olds making eyes. Life is going to suck.

Can’t Be Bad That I’m Completely Fine With Eating a “Lion” Burger, Right?

If anyone knows the kid Dub Jeezy, they know he’s always on the quest to achieve complete baller-status, as long as it’s inexpensive and doesn’t require a whole lot of work.

The lion burger presents that option. Everyone at the table can be chillin’ with their Whoopers and Big Macs, but the eyes/attention will be focused on what’s on my plate. All it will take is a casual, “Oh, don’t mind me and my LION BURGER guys.” They’re rattled, can’t finish their food, and I walk out as a much more respected person. A simple equation really. Baller activities garner respect and lions are as baller as animals get. You know how hard it was to kill an adult lion in “Big Buck Hunter: Safari Edition?” No, you don’t. I unleashed an entire clip of shotgun shells to its dome and it briskly ran off the screen. As casual as anything can be with 6 rounds of shotgun in it’s face. The fact that I am eating a burger made of that beast can’t be seen as anything less than manly as shit.

Let’s talk about how many girls I can acquire with a Lion Burger, two tickets to the Wizarding World to Harry Potter, and an IPhone 4Gs. The last two are basically the only two things women care about right now anyway.

T-Pain Shares His Wisdom

"I got the mastered version of my album in my car right now," T-Pain said of his latest project RevolveR. "I'm not bringing out no album, not dropping no more new singles until people start selling records again, and that's the approach I think everybody should take unless you Susan Boyle or Miley Cyrus."

So basically T-Pain, we are going to have to wait until you're popular again to buy your record? Isn't that a bit counter productive...Although there's a hold out with his own material,  T-Pain is still hard at work collaborating with Roscoe Dash for the new Step Up 3-D soundtrack. The link provided will take you to the IMDB page to ensure that the upcoming film is actually real. Nothing more to say here.

Just When You Thought You Caught A Break

Damn...can't celebrate too quickly fellas...This video can certainly be applied to everyday life. Dub J wants to talk parking tickets? Let's talk parking tickets.

On my lunch break I respectfully decide capitalize on a coupon at QDOBA, well, cause they give away free shit all the time and it's awesome. After parking on a side street I check around in my car to see nothin' but dimes and nickles. But wait, are those two meter officials walking in the very same establishment I'll be entering within the minute? Coast is clear...

So there I stand, in the burrito line behind the parking ladies. I hand over my 50% coupon to the cashier and he couldn't figure out how to punch it into his system. He proceeds to look for a manager before simply handing over the meal for free to save him some stress. Almost felt like Glen Davis in the sense that "I just couldn't be denied" on this particular day. That is until a third parking lady in the area finds her way to my expired meter to slap a ticket on my already run down ford focus.

Down 12 with your best player out...you fight all the way back to hit a buzzer in the end...only for the other team to realize the remaining half second on the clock and net the go-ahead full-court bucket right back at you. Wish us well tomorrow.

Oh, I Guess The Magic Are Getting Chris Paul

Talk about asking for nice things. I'll be the first to welcome you to Orlando (pending some sort of fantasy bonus) with a basketball and a set of models (not good ones).

Best center? Check. Best PG. Check. NBA Championship...check?

People Are Straight Up Snapping Today

Damn. What has gotten up people's asses today? This isn't even a Microsoft Word constructed business card, this shit was ordered. A person was literally so upset about the circumstances of this person's park job that he got on the phone, politely talked to a representative, and made an order of business cards. You know this dude got the bang for his buck too, so he undoubtedly has about 499 these lying around ready to ruin someone's morning. A social-suicide bomber if you will.

First the dude that kicks the dude down the bleachers, now this. A universal case of the Monday's I guess. Imagine waking up on the wrong side of the bed, having no time for breakfast, going to your car, and seeing this. The day is over. Got to call it a wash at that point. Monday got off to a 12-0 run, and your star player sprained his ankle.

Hopefully Tuesday will bring some "nicer" posts.

How Does One Grow Awesome Facial Hair?

I've tested the boundaries before on the appearance scale, but dudes like Larry McClure up here really put me to shame. Just a dream crushing stash right there. I'm not going to declare myself out of the great facial hair game, but we definitely took some damage.

Now I'm working this mini-beard with a mildly out of control hair thing right now. It can easily be misconstrued as gross which can present a legitimate problem. I haven't experienced much positive from this attempted beard, but I think it can pay off in the long run. Your standard investment really. Hair has become a topic of great debate these days in the WMD war room. Craw's like, "is my hair uncomfortable long, or is it awesome?" As a friend and a no-homo admirer of white people with long hair, I am obligated to say yes, but I also think it's because of beard insecurities.

Today at work, I had at least 2 Fruity Pebbles remnants stuck in my "beard." Took about 2 hours for someone to mention it. I'm at a crossroads.

I'm here at my computer with a figurative electric razor looking into a mirror with a single tear in my eye.

When Keeping It Real Goes Terribly, Terribly Wrong

Whoa, chill bro, what was that about?! Can a playa stretch his legs anymore or is that action considered a wrap in Japan.?

I guess when you're the only three people in a pretty tightly contained/empty set of bleachers I can probably understand how things can get real pretty fast. I can see if this dude committed some serious transgressions like dropping a gross fart or talking on a bluetooth, but even then I can see how a "Yo man, quit farting!" or a "Chill with the tooth dawg" can easily solve this problem.

Now we have a homicide, a stricken-by-fear witness, and an ORNERY t-ball dad. Damn.

Airplanes Official Video

Not the vid I expected, but packed the emotion I knew it would. Kind of low budget, but I definitely dig it.

PS. I'd let Hayley Williams date me.

How Dub Jeezy Plans On Spending His Father's Day Years From Now

Absolutely squeezing my baby's face. Especially on father's day. Because without the baby I'm not a father right? That is a perfectly good explanation for why this is happening. Plus the kid looks exactly like a squished face pumpkin.

When I had a kid, he's going to be my personal Mr. Potato Head. I'm just gonna be tossing size 18 clown shoes on him with a sombrero and take pictures and shit. Post it on the blog and be like, "he has NO idea what's up right now." I mean that's gold. So the question is...do I have a baby for the sake of the blog? I'm ready to push this thing over the top and to do that, I think I need to intentionally father a child. I mean, I am casually able to hold a steady job for like 4 months at a time and there may or may not be a possum still in my house, so the kid can have a pseudo pet.

I must be on some sort of "No-Procreation" list.

Introducing Co-Blogger Craw

So most of you wonder what we look like over here at WMD. I'm kidding all 4 readers know me and that 4 doesn't include my mother because I am almost positive she stopped reading like a month and a half ago. Asked her about a post, she stuttered, made something up about dinner being ready, and quickly dipped off the phone. But for those of you that are genuinely wondering what your mystery-men look like, here is a 98.77% accurate depiction of what Craw looks like.

I'm more of a lethal combination of Denzel Washington, Tyson Beckford, and Will Smith, but slightly better.

Eh, Denzel's old, I'm better than Denzel.

In Need of a Trip to the Wizarding World

So the Wizarding World of Harry Potter just opened up and I couldn't be more ecstatic. Hopefully Dub J will send me off on business to Orlando for WMD, and from
there a detour through platform 9 3/4 is in order. Definitely looking forward the rides and a few Butterbeers while dominating a handful of 10-year olds in a Tri-Wizard tourney.

Side note, I love how Daniel Radcliff and Michael Gambon carry themselves in reality... Exactly the same way they look and act in the Harry Potter movies. After working seven films as the Chosen One and Headmaster there's gotta be some confusion at this point. With this said, I leave you with the Deathly Hallows trailer. Enjoy.

Just Straight Up Walking In Circles

^it looks more or less like this

One thing I do on the regular is just walk around. Not to reflect or to exercise. I literally just walk the shit out of myself on a day to day basis. No real aim to walk anywhere, but I somehow end up 5 miles away from my destination soaked in sweat and tired as balls.

I feel the need to tell this to you guys because I think I have a walking problem. Shit's getting out of control. I'm pretty sure it's because I vibe so hard to my Ipod tunes. Those noise-canceling headphones are a bitch I tell ya. I went to lunch today, ate like 25 feet from my office and within 40 minutes, ended up in like Cambridge. What? Once I came to in this walking black-out sesh, I had no idea of my surroundings and my shirt was reasonably drenched. Simply not presentable. The other day I was trying to go to the gym to get my swole on and all of a sudden I'm in Champs Sports 3 miles downtown checking out sneakers.

The easy out would be the alcohol I drink, and that's valid. Can't argue that logic, I have been on like 7 separate extreme benders this year and I consider this detoxification period I am on wildly successful since I've been shitfaced only 5 times in the past 14 days! There might be some deep-seeded issues though. People shouldn't black out in normal circumstances like that. I mean, a playa is just trying to get a sandwich and maybe gawk at some girls with his sunglasses on. Not make wild and crazy excursions to fucking Narnia.

Almost 5..almost 5....

"California Gurls" Video Gets Released, Makes Me All Tingly

Now I've seen me a sexy video or two, but there is something about this one that makes me feel like a 13 year old boy again. First off, the video has nothing to do with California or anything that makes sense for that matter. The Candyland setting combined with whatever the hell KP is doing with her pouty face/hair/tops has me on a next level of attraction.

Someone put on the video in the office, and literally everyone fell silent, almost like a tragedy happened. I don't even know what's up. Video is silly as shit, but I dig it. This dynamic duo of Russell Brand-Katy Perry is rising the ranks. Saw "Get Him To the Greek", and it was way better than I thought. California Gurls made me realize what it was like to be 13 and wearing sweat pants again. Kudos to you guys.

Snoop, can I please borrow that suit for any important social gathering I'm obliged to go to?

What Up Spaghetti-O's

In what can only be described as the sex-tape equivalent of canned-food attention whoring. Campbells has announced that the meatballs in their beloved Spaghetti-O’s are tainted as shit. Diagnosis: “Meatballs are undercooked.”

Chill with that noise. I know what your scheming here Campbells. Sales took a hit, kids ultimately decided that Spaghetti-O’s were pretty gross when you have the option of getting some mega-stuffed ravioli. I think the higher-ups were looking for a way to stir the canned-food cage. Because frankly, when have the meatballs ever been cooked and when did Spaghetti-O’s start adding meatballs.

So don’t laugh at me when I look this so called “recall” in the eye and drunkenly eat 3 cans of that stuff tonight as I black out watching reruns of Lost.

Snoop Dogg Is Possibly The Most Interesting Man In The World

Definitely not that Dos Equis guy.

Snoop can be sitting at home enjoying a fine television show when all of sudden, he decides to make a music video about it. Get Dr. Dre and Jimmy Iovine on the phone, of course Hype Williams is in, and a video is made. What a life to live.

Sorry for the severe lack of posts. The kid will be back in full swing next week.

Vince Shamwow Sells Eminem's Recovery

Now that's marketing. "You're gonna be clappin' when you hear Eminem rappin'. Look at this." Alright Vince Shamwow I'm listening. If anything would push me over the edge to actually go out and purchase the album, this might just do the trick. It was all hilarious until the ShamPon product in the end...I was already sold until the last few clips brought me back to dish out a few weird looks to say the least.

Game 7 All Up In Yo' Grill

Not going to lie, it's late, I'm tired, and I just held in a sneeze that potentially cracked 1-2 ribs. I'm not doing well, but that's going to change soon. This year's finals have been every level of awesome imaginable.

Craw's squad is the Celtics--obviously, so I am rooting for them since they ousted my Magic. Just like 12 players on the court that I straight up dislike and stars everywhere. Hollywood baby. Alright, it's time to tend to that cracked rib and get to sleep with dreams that Revis decides to sign a contract tomorrow.

Evening ya'll.

Can I At Least Get A Date To Toy Story 3?

I'm clearly no date psychologist as I proved, miraculously, that it was possible not to get a date to see "Valentine's Day" this year, but I have to say confidently, Toy Story 3 is as easy as a date gets. And god knows we could all use an easy date (no..pun..intended?).

On the really reals though, didn't every single one of you thoroughly enjoy the experience that was Toy Story 1 and 2? That includes girls too. See where I'm heading here? It's like a cheap psychological ploy that everyone can use to snag a lay-up esque date, which I am more than down for. It's a fair games date too meaning you can be immature as all hell. Underarm farts, whoopie cushions, the whole she-bang. Combining your youth with your 20s is a dangerously effective plan that I see no negatives in.

Woody, Buzz, hand-holding, arm around shoulders, whoopie cushion, confused glare, popcorn, mini-make-out intro into underarm fart outro, disgusted look, attempted suave smile, focus back on movie, laugh, rinse, repeat. That's how you go on a motha-effin' date.

About Time This Happened

EMBED-Coward Bullfighter Leaps Out Of Arena - Watch more free videos

Is this me/my mindset implanted into the mind of your common bull-fighter? Because this is EXACTLY how I would go about a situation like this.

Call me crazy, but I don't get it. The best case scenario is that you evade a bull for a few minutes. Can you really applaud someone's evasion skills? The only segment of life when evasion is remotely necessary is "tag." Of course, Dub Jeezy was a Top-5 world tag player obviously, so I know it's importance. I mean is dodging a bull in a mildly nimble manner the equivalent of a ridiculous dunk?

Cheers to you brother, because I know you were in the right mentality. The "fuck-that" mentality. Essentially the way I go about life.

Bring In The X-Factor

NBA Finals. Game 7. Roster spot opens due to Kendrick Perkins going down with a torn MCL on Tuesday. Brian Scalabrine will now get the nod to suite up.

During tomorrow's winner take all grudge match between the Celtics and Lakers, there may be a scenario where Doc Rivers is forced to look down his bench with Sheed in early foul trouble. The ideal slot would be with 3 minutes left in the first half where Shelden Williams entered in Game 6 and proceeded to blow an easy dunk. I'm ready for Scal to fill that void, and he's ready to fulfill his legacy.

I'm honestly confident that #44 can play a key role even if it's for just a minute or 2. Doc might simply ask for him to go out there and not fuck up, and he'd probably deliver. No one's been more pumped to play than Scal. The guy rides the bike constantly on the sidelines to stay warm. When the rest of the C's perform their fancy introductions at the Garden, Scal's focused in the paint doing lunges...No joke...every game.

On a serious note. Tomorrow's contest will certainly be one for the ages. Let's hope floor general Rondo, Big 3 and Co. will be able to find success one last time on the road for Banner 18. BEAT LA

Not Really Sure How To Live With A Girl

Yeah, it's nothing like this movie. It's in fact very strange. Not in a bad way, but definitely weird--like a penguin. Plus, despite the fact I don't think she reads this blog, I am definitely going to watch my words. Nothing worse than a woman scorned.

She's a good friend from high school and I'm pretty sure she's seen just about anything, but we are all walking on a few egg shells. Like, do I wear boxers around the house on the reg? Can I fart where and when I please? Do I have to be moderately clean/appropriate? What words am I allowed to say?

Too many questions, too little answers. Don't get me wrong, it's great to have a hot girl living with you that's also cool, but believe me it changes your life. It's like the bro-equivalent of having a baby. You realize all the mistakes you casually make in life and you slowly mature into a man. Shits embarrassing, but most assuredly true.

Welcome to the shithole apartment JT.

Yup.

I got nothin'

Fellas, this is for you.

Mark Jackson: Taking Portraits And Winning Championships

I'm currently watching the NBA Finals with my now favorite announcer Mark Jackson dropping some of the most hilarious lines NBA announcing has ever seen.

He usually gets that coveted spot right before the commercials start where he gets free reign to drop some absurd line semi-relating basketball to something nonsensical. Here's an example: "Kobe Bryant, hitting shots, and paying rent." Like, what? I don't get it, but I definitely dig it. No way of relating NBA basketball to barely paying rent. That's my world, don't get multi-million dollar basketball players involved, shit's depressing.

Here are some of my favorites: "Rajon Rondo, controlling the game, and teaching classes" Kevin Garnett, hittin' shots and starting forest fires" "You like this Lamar Odom, the way he's playing, getting to the bucket, and controlling the tempo."

I love this game.

The Return of Manny Ramirez

I have no idea how this is going to be. This will be one of the more interesting returns, probably, in the history of the game. It could range anywhere from them throwing a parade to a riot. You just don't know...

                                             -Red Sox Manager Terry Francona

There's been debate in regards to how the crowd will react when Manny Ramirez steps up to the plate at Fenway Park for the first time in Dodger Blue. My guess is the majority will handout the well deserved standing ovation, which is undoubtedly how I'll react from my respective living room.

Anyone who's a Red Sox fan and still bitter about Manny at this point in time definitely has some issues to take care of. The 12x All-Star led Boston to 2 World Series titles, winning the Series MVP in '04 to break the curse (when the Red Sox were fun to watch). Sure there was drama, but who really cares...Shit was entertaining. He once caught a pop fly, jumped up to high-five a fan and threw it back for a double-play...Are you kidding me?

Manny is one of the best hitters in MLB history, and he produced in a style even more hilarious than Carl Everett during his inappropriate times in Red Sox uniform. Boston is currently wrapped up in a series against the Arizona Diamondbacks. Manny and Co. will make their way to town for three games starting Friday, June 18th. Let's see what happens.

Whats the Word on Pringles?

Once you pop the fun don't stop huh? When is the last time Pringles were relevant in the advertising game. Some may assume they're more than well off based on previous popularity. The only reason I beg to differ is the desperate, crazy flavors supposedly in place that I've never actually seen before in person. I think I could handle the "Slow Cooked BBQ" but i don't know about "Cheesy Fries" and "Mexican Layer Dip."

And of course there was the recent Pringles recall for"Taco Night" and "Cheeseburger" due to traces of salmonella....But honestly it's hard enough deciding on ranch or sour cream. The restaurant style choices gotta have people settling back to Lays. So next time you're at a 711 see how many Pringles options are available...

Maybe I'm wrong but I'm not seeing much out of the product these days. 7up and Pringles need to get together and figure out a pair of revamped campaigns.

Like I Said Before, Machines Are Going To Massacre Us And Eat Our Bodies In 2012

Oh it's cool X-Box. Push the bounds. Be (kinda) revolutionary. I get your angle here. It's hip and modern, but we're definitely going to die awful, awful deaths.

Here's X-Box's new project unveiled. Project Natal or Kinect, whatever the fuck they're calling it is supposed to be the first gaming system meant to successfully work without a controller. I've seen this tried before. At an arcade when I was like 7 in Pennsylvania, I splurged and played like a $5 body intensive golf game (yeah, I know). Shit went awry almost immediately. If I sneezed I shanked that shit into the nearby abyss and if I moved my body even slightly my character would turn almost completely backward. I don't even know why the game allowed that to happen. Anyway, it was a terrible $5 spent and I don't think X-Box knows what it's doing. Clearly this rinky-dink game I was playing 15 years ago had a mind of it's own (or I have no soul..yeah, that's probably it) and that doesn't spell good news for this Natal-Kinect concoction.

Microsoft has wayy too much money and wayy too much power to half-ass it. It's like, "Go ahead, play NBA 2K10 and try to go up with that weak shit against Rasheed Wallace. You'll be bloody and half dead, then Rasheed will run around acting like he didn't hit you" type realism. I'm scared. If I win a game, will the game just virtually rip me a new one. I don't know.

It was all fun and game when those bubbly ass Wii characters were running around. Now we're wielding swords and getting fouled on the way up. It's getting real.

Song Is Hot As Shit

Whoaaa, hold on there. Are we striking gold this month on WMD with songs that simply need to make it? First this, now the Rap-Tap-Tappin' kids. It's a glorious time to be a fan of rap music again. Started when the Drake album leaked, then the Eminem album, now the RTT'n Kidz (z added for effect) are making waves.

Hey Nas, hip-hop is not even close to dead.

Dr. Bob...The Multiple-Malpractice Equivalent Of Dr. Pepper

^Dr. Bob---incapable of even destroying a computer

If no one can see the slogan on Dr. Bob, it says "Open Wide, Say Ahhhhhh!" Just wildly inappropriate and at best you're imitating Trey Songz. When your best case scenario is Trey Songz, shit is simply falling apart everywhere around you.

Myself and Mack were discussing the wackness of Dr. Bob and it's comparison to the much more acclaimed and respected Dr. Pepper and had to break it down to the type of doctors they would be in real life. It starts with price comparison versus lifestyle choices. Your standard bottle of Dr. Bob runs you about $0.79 on a bad day. It's a couch soda, meaning you can buy it with the money most assuredly tucked away in your grimy couch. On a good sale day, you may see Dr. Pepper available for $1.00 at best. A true luxury.

Anyways, real-life Dr. Bob's got to be the most shaky handed alcoholic doctor in the game. Dude went to like 3 med schools, snuck out with a C-, worked in Puerto Rico for a few sketchy years and now has that practice located in that dark alley with an unmarked door. Not quite Kevorkian level evil and diabolical, but just a straight up bad doctor. Has a pretty good lawyer though, so he's allowed to keep practicing (aka allowed to still be sold in stores) and "mistakenly" injuring people (aka people passing out in their own throw up).

Then we have the clean shaven, handsome (pretty much composed of 23 different nationalities), and successful Dr. Pepper. Basically an ugly version of Dub Jeezy. He comes in, with not one but 3 medical degrees from Harvard, Yale, and Arizona State. Yeah, Arizona State didn't have a med school, but he got with a fair amount of dimes. Following that, he skipped the intern process, immediately got a practice of his own after proving Al Davis has in fact been dead for 17 years, and leads a fulfilling life with a ton of friends and notoriety.

So, it says a lot that I am calling Mack out for splurging on Dr. Bob. So what I'm trying to say is, email workingmansdiary@gmail.com with your credit card number/social security number/the virtual deed to your house/and like 6 emoticons, and we'll be straight.

Not the Best Idea for A Show

Hmmm...Lawsuit waiting to happen? I don't know if it's cool for national TV to feature a shocked Grandma en route to a 100 ft drop to nowhere. How well did ABC think this one out? I guess we'll have to just wait and see what happens.

Jesus Rex

Got the coach looking flat out ridiculous at the Mets game, the quarterback is handing out awards at the Tonys tonight, and the tight end is apparently a restaurant reviewer. I guess they're not coaching or playing football or anything.

You know what I do in my "off-season" (aka 3 weeks paid vacation)? Book a ticket to Cancun/Acapulco, find out where MTV Spring Break is going, and straight wild-out. It's not as glamorous as throwing the first pitch, presenting an award, or being an acclaimed foot critic, but it's a living.

A Summer Mash-Up For Ya'll

DJ Earworm strikes again compiling all the songs we hear on the radio into one casual mix. For some reason these mixes are able to incite every single emotion in me, which frankly, is pretty sad.

Not the caliber of the year-end mix from last year, but that's understandable because it's only June.

With More Innovation Baseball Will Be Okay

So co-blogger Dub-Jeezy previously expressed his thoughts on the game of baseball. He emphasized that watching just a "few minutes can bring the purest of anger out of my soul."

So maybe he's got a point. Even umpires have discussed the Red Sox and Yankees taking their sweet time against each other while fans check their watches with hopes to make it home by 1 a.m. I wish we had a guy like this with a handful of tricks up his sleeve. If only Dice-K's Gyro Ball were actually real...

With creative side attractions everyone like Dub who can't sit straight for 3 minutes would be alright. Go to an NFL game and you're watching cheerleaders hard at work in the cold, riveting montages, gun shows - the works.

I mean I'm struggling out here myself to be honest with you. The '04 Sox were full of characters between Manny, Pedro, Damon, Millar, Nixon...But the front office did just recently sign Kendrick Perkins. So as cool as it would be for the Boston Celtics big man to hit some home runs this summer...we're just forced to take in some guy with the same name.

Katy Perry 100% Deserved To Be #1 On Maxim's Top 100

Watch the 2010 MTV Movie Awards at MTV.com!

Usually when I hear a song like this I shun it for about 3 weeks, then I embrace it in full at the bar that Friday night dancing like a fool, sprinkling/shopping carting chicks all over the place.

With this song it was instant. The first time I heard it was at a bar and I immediately skipped the 3 week waiting period and began grinding on pieces left and right. I acquired bonus points when they were from California. Seriously though, if there was a time to be in Cali, it has to be now right? Once this song goes on, I'm fairly certain all the beautiful women in the state start appearing out of the nowhere--poppin' out of floor panels, crevasses, and all sorts of wacky places. I also imagine them all scantily clad, doing the hot chick dance. You know the hot chick dance. It's basically a pack of 5-7 blazing girls that put their heads down and hands up. One hand comes down, one hand goes up, and there you have it, the hot chick dance. They're all doing it to this song. Then there's me just losing my mind 5-10 feet away from them. My ideal experience.

Fri-day Ni-ght Is Undeniable. Sorry about that.

When Will A Normal Able-Bodied, Non-Grandma/pa, Non-Hillbilly Person Win The Lottery?

What. The. Fuck. That's supposed to be me wearing a basketball jersey from some league I was in 4 years ago with like 4-7 bros, 10-15 paid models, and a diamond-encrusted check with the word "Mega" crossed out and replaced by "Baller."

Our world doesn't allow a normal, handsome, run-of-the-mill blogger to have success in the lotto game. These people can't even appreciate the happiness of winning because they are filled with dementia or the disease of being a hillbilly bumpkin. It's not fair I say. Granted, they (don't know who) probably prevent guys like me from winning the Lottery because they know we are a breed that can only be classified as "Wild'n Out" when we get money. I remember the day I received my first real paycheck. I basically just split it into three separate checks and gifted three bars with portions of my 40+ hours. So I can kind of get a basic idea of how tonight would go if I won $64 Million.

"Hey bartender, can I get like 467 Bud Lights? Put it on the Jeezy tab, this one's on me ya'll."

Cute Idea That Can't Possibly Work: Guide Dog Leading Blind Dog

I like the picture, I like the sickly-clearly-blind look of the other dog, and I especially like the "chillin' on the field" shot, but I don't buy it for a second. Reminds me of a 3D movie. Everything looks great and you basically set aside all of the necessary guidelines of what make a good movie because of how it looks.

If you can look me in the virtual eye and tell me that this large dog will not be eating this smaller dog within the next two weeks, I will call you a liar..virtually. If it's not eating this dog, it's undoubtedly going to accidentally step on it or something. Come on family, if you're going to get your little blind dog a guide dog make sure it's not fucking Rin-Tin-Tin. This thing is a tank and despite reading that entire article 1.5 times I am in no way informed on how this dog guides this other blind dog. Best case scenario is that the blind dog rides the "guide" dog's back.

Is it bad that once I wrote that sentence I immediately thought of a business idea for able bodies people to carry blind people where they need to get to? Cut out the middle man (the cane), eliminates the chance of error, and it'd get you good exercise. I'm not a good person.

Sonic The Hedgehog Is a Poor Representation Of Real Life Hedgehogs

I'm the type of guy that can usually give you the benefit of the doubt whenever something appears to go wrong. I mean we mess up here and there. We drink a bit, we have dumb friends, and sometimes you just thought something was a good idea, but then we have this dilemma. What magazine/television program with hedgehogs did you see that inspired the creation of blue, super-fast, and athletic Sonic?

I mean we all have bad ideas that we dig real deep into and years later we regret trying them. I remember back a year ago after graduating college my old roommates and I decided to send emails to each other keeping each other updated on our lives. Someone told me the emails were funny and that I should make a blog detailing experiences. Experiences turned into commentary, commentary turned into learning how to use .gifs, and .gifs turned into posts at 11pm about Sonic The Hedgehog.

Life's a vicious circle. No matter where you turn, it's probably a bad decision. Have a chipper day!

Big Ups to Jonathan Toews, Blackhawks

The Chicago Blackhawks earned their first Stanley Cup title in 49 years after Patrick Kane found the net in overtime without anyone really noticing. The goal sounded no light, buzzer, or reaction from the crowd, and upon further review the officials were eventually able to figure it out. This certainly marks the most anti-climactic OT championship win in sports history, but aside from that it's important to recognize captain Jonathan Toews for dominating all aspects of hockey over the past few months.

The 22-year old racked up 29 points in the playoffs to claim MVP rights, adding to his already established trophy collection. “They’re both special in their own way,” said Toews of his Olympic and NHL accomplishments. “To represent your own country, especially Canada, at the Olympics and your home country, that’s something you’ll probably never experience again in your lifetime as a hockey player. That’s pretty cool.”

No shit that's pretty cool man...The coolest thing I've done this year is eat six lobsters in one sitting...that about wraps my 2010 so far right there. So a Big ups is given when due. Keep on living the dream Toews. Show the windy city something they haven't seen since MJ was around.

Another Food Item That I Advise You Not To Eat

-Nope

Why do you keep pushing the bounds BK? First brunch, now this? I guarantee you not one person out there was saying, "Man, I wish a fast-food place sold some solid ribs." It was purely a hail-mary style toss for the fast-food industry.

Sometimes the mind instinctively blacks things out. Mainly when alcohol is involved, but there are definitely other times when your mind sees it fit to make sure you don't process things. It's just your body protecting itself. Like a scab on a cut it's your brain temporarily knocking you out so your dumbass won't decide that an order of BK Ribs may be a good idea. We all remember what happened back when the McRib came out. A LOT of people died.

Be my guest if you want to try BK's version of Dunkaroos, but don't say I didn't warn ya. You crazy bastard.

Buffalo Dog Vs. Dog Panda

vs.



In a world where we have to make the tough decisions, why is it inappropriate to combine the best parts of two animals? I know I love killing two birds with one stone more than anyone because I'm lazy as shit.

I have to go with Dog Panda and I think most of you will agree because Buffalo Dog is like the scariest, most depressed dog I have ever seen. In some eyes, Panda Dog could be seen as a scary creature too, but his confused-tongue-out expression brings you right back into the positives. I saw this on the Today Show and expected the workingmansdiary@gmail.com inbox to be absolutely flooding with this little story, but alas, it wasn't. Get on it people! I can't find every story out there even though I peruse the internet for 25 hours a day. Some things sneak through the cracks guys...

Pretty Sick Trailer For Potentially The 10th Mortal Kombat Movie

Mortal Kombat with a 2010 twist. Sucks that Johnny Cage got brutally killed pretty quickly (spoiler alert!), but other than that I like how they went about it.

They even included that crazy bastard Baraka. An undoubted risk, but could pay off in the long run. Kind of like Ron Artest.

Show Me the BABYFAX

Called in to babysit? What could go wrong? Even something as simple as holding it while mom or dad hits the buffet line at a party is cause for concern. The amused infant above puts on a great show just like the Ford Focus I'm trying to sell come September (and trust me you'll want the CARFAX here, and I probably won't be too willing to hand it over).

Looks fun though right?

Not so fast...Gonna have to see the BABYFAX. How many people have previously watched over it without any emergencies? What is the average cry to shit ratio per day? How many ounces of drool are we talking? Is puke going to play a major role on my watch? The necessary information must be brought to my attention. It's not as bad as having your car break down, but don't say I didn't warn you.

Just Me And Craw Getting Ready For The World Cup

It was definitely a "should we work out, should we not work out?" type of thing.

I mean the World Cup doesn't start for awhile, and who has time to work out when you blog all day. Craw had to convince me to get in the gym and ya know, things just sort of took off. Hit up the ol' gym a couple days ago and let me say, the results speak for themselves. Vanity Fair cover, model deals, and apparently, if you break your arm you don't even have to play, but still get all the recognition.

We'll see you guys on the field. I'll be in street clothes though. Craw's such a sucker.

How Many Passes Do The White Team Perform?

(Don't give it away if you've seen this before)

I guessed it right.

Hint: it's in the teens.

Is It Possible To Kill A Movie?

I present this question out of straight spite. I know you can't kill something that never lived, but mannnn do I want to. Mainly because of this picture. How can a direct descendant of Will "The Thrill" Smith appear to suck so much?

If this movie interrupts my NBA playoff coverage ONE more time, the kid is going to snap. By snap, I mean I will send an angry email. Straight badgering the shit out of them like they continuously badger me with nonsensical comparisons of "kid I refuse to belief is Will Smith's son" and people like Kobe Bryant. What? I know this is Suns-Lakers series and you are really struggling for comparisons here, but don't resort to that. Kid weights like 63 pounds and looks like a wet noodle. You've seen the previews. Those little Asian kids beat the shit out of him. That's the way I want to remember it. For it's realism.

Not to be insensitive, but I was also fairly certain Jackie Chan died. Thought there was a funeral and everything. I did enjoy Rush Hour 1 though.

Movie sucks. I want it axed before June 11th. Wish I had Ari Gold to make that happen...

Pretty Sure This Was The Worst Video Game Of All-Time

Actually I upgrade my statement from "pretty sure" to "most definitely."

As I was sitting today aimlessly daydreaming about how life generally sucks, I thought about the simpler times. The times of youth. The times of owning terrible, terrible games on the Super Nintendo. While there were a ton of good games, there were a few shit balls sprinkled in. It's like going to a birthday party when you were little. You get that grab bag with a bunch of candy in it, but there was always a couple Bubblicious or questionably flavored Tootsie Rolls you had to sift through. That was like being a little kid and straight up asking for a game. If you were the smallest bit vague, you best believe Dad was going to the electronics store, closing his eyes, and picking whatever his hand landed on. That's exactly how I imagine I ended up with Shaq-Fu.

I mean, I was and still am an Orlando Magic fan, but that didn't mean I had to support Shaquille O'neal's other ventures. Yes, my mom bought me two of his rap albums and yes one of the lines was, "boom, boom, boom, let me in, let me in, not by the hairs of my chinny chin chin." Ya know, I can look past those things. I knew that brotha was trying to put an extra wing on his house. But Shaq-Fu? Really man, a fighting game? I knew something was up when I had the option to choose a mummy, a lizard, and what appeared to be a gust of wind, along with Shaq. The lizard spit acid, the mummy chucked disease at you and well..the gust of wind touched you. Shaq threw a basketball. A god damn basketball. You get hit with a ball, you're doing ok. Maybe a bloody lip, maybe a jammed finger, at worst you're getting hit in the nuts, that's it. I don't see how Shaq thrived in this fighting arena. Dad, if you're reading this, you played it too. You asked the same questions. I was like 6, I had no fuckin' clue either.

I'm definitely getting my kid "LeBron's Lego Star Wars Adventures" when that inevitably comes out.

Aw, What The Hell?!

Still don't know what an Ipad is, but this certainly does answer some unsavory questions. I was pretty sure, but now I am positive that the Ipad is that last technological straw right before we are balls deep in some "Terminator: Attack of The Machines" business.

Oh, you already know the kid is ready. Granted, I am an enlightened thinker, but if you can't beat the shit out a hell-bent Ipad you shouldn't be on the court. If they shoot lasers, completely different story.

Also, is any of this fake? What was the deal with the milk-pouring part of the display? The bird too. Was this man suffocating a bird in his sleeve for like 4 minutes just for the sake of a magic trick? The thing about magic is that we'll never know.

Oops, My Bad

Some people might say this is "too soon." Those people are probably successful bloggers.

PS. My favorite thing about this is that he had sunglasses under his sunglasses

Has Anyone Successfully Gotten An Answer To A Question They Asked Jeeves?

^smug bastard

Why a lima-bean headed butler was the front-man for Ask.com is beyond me. I know I wasn't the only one who thought Ask.com was something entirely different than what it ended up being. I would sit in school and think of things to ask Jeeves. Like, I'm not joking. Just fillin' my Trapper Keeper with questions.

"How many Jelly-Beans can I eat before I get sick?" "

"If I give this girl my candy bar, will she date me?" (I was a stud)

Guess what? Jeeves just directed me to like 140,000 links that certainly didn't answer the question and lead me ridiculously astray. It took me like 4 months to realize the site was your standard search engine instead of some godly question answering service. Anyway, here's how I imagine Jeeves would deal with a question in 2010 if his life depended on it:

"Wow things have been real slow lately since AOL, Yahoo, and that son of a bitch Google came out. Always good to see Bing struggling out there. Whoa..what the hell is that?! Is that a search request? By God! Man the stations, get out every encyclopedia we own and someone get on the hell on Google! This is our time people. This person asks, 'How do you fix your Linksys Router.' Everyone listen!....What the hell is a Linksys Router? 'It's not in the Encyclopedia Brittanica boss' Ok, don't panic. Who's on that Google? Give me the first 140,000 links to what ever this 'router' devise is and we'll let the person figure it out. 'But sir, the person wants an answer not ju..' Shut up, shut up! I know what I am doing. Just give me the Google links. 'Sir, we're taking too long, the person thinks it's their computer, they are going to X out of our tab' I'm a fucking butler guys! I don't know how to answer anything! I saw the internet boom, made something up about answering questions, and we got paid. No one was complaining then, huh? 'The person X'd out and went on Google boss' " ---Jeeve proceeds to go on a murder-suicide rampage.

Sorry Guy...No Food After 11:00

What really sets the tone at the bar is getting shut down on a food order 30 seconds after cut off. So there I sat, ready to purchase my first drink of the night. To my left was two attractive females working on a hefty plate of nachos...Naturally, as a fat kid my attention shifted immediately to food after seeing the generous quantities given out to my initial targets.

From there I flagged down the bartender...only to receive nothing but a smug look to go along with..."sorry guy, no food after 11:00."

Is it too much to ask for somebody in back to throw a few chips and guac together at 11:01? It's definitely hard to build the confidence back up after getting rejected by the kitchen.

I felt like Kendrick Perkins out there whistled for two fouls in the first six minutes of play. So my clock management was slightly off...but seriously can a guy at least get a few pretzels? Customer service is out the window - time to learn schedules and get punctual.

Bars Everywhere Just Shed A Tear

I've never seen a song more suited for disgusting Friday/Saturday night antics than this one. The simplicity, the energy, and lest we not forget, the alliteration, truly make this song a must listen/a must play in all bar/club scenes.

Seriously though, why didn't I come up with this idea before these guys. I don't do anything with my day, I can at least break out the keyboard, hit 104 for electric synth sounds, and have my boy dress up like a deacon and belt out some catchy shit.

I'm just going to call age 22 a mulligan otherwise known as "the year time forgot."

Super Punch-Out: "The Hangover" Version

An ode to the great game of Super Punch-Out. Mike Tyson literally punched that fast in the game and unless you had that Turbo-Nintendo Max controller, your journey most likely ended with Glass Joe.

Almost out of work everyone!

The 2nd Cat Fart Video In Like Four Days

I know, I know, I'm awesome at finding videos where cats are doing gross/hilarious things. Did you see how perturbed that dog was? Hilarious.

The Sole Reason I'm Rooting For The Celtics In The NBA Finals

Quite possibly the worst person in the world. No joke. Don't even know him, but your actions speak louder than words.


PS. Yes, I'm just realized how to use .gifs.