Seagulls Straight Scaring The Shit Out Of Me

As soon as the slightest hint of rain decides to fall, the sky becomes blackened with the decent of millions upon millions of seagulls. For those of you that really haven't encountered a seagull, I'll paint the picture. These things are assholes. To be an asshole, you have to know you're being an asshole, and these bastards certainly know the deal. Oh, you're walking this way? How about 17 seagulls block your path and flap their disease filled wings all over your new brown shoes. They know what they're doing and they're damned proud of it. I walked out of my office building for lunch and low and behold a seagull clips this women's umbrella, sends it into a tailspin, umbrella is destroyed, and the woman nearly got hit by a car. I could have sworn I saw that flying bastard grinning as he went on top of some building.

Another thing I realized is the fact that seagulls are big as fuck. Like seriously. The seagull and the pelican are definitely closing the gap on each other in body size and bill size. They also shit like a boss too. No run of the mill pigeon poop that'll kind of mess up your day. Seagull shit have sent men and women over the edge. Ever heard of Charles Manson? Ted Bundy? Rita from Power Rangers? All of them got shat on by a seagull before they lost their minds. Direct correlation, no need for a graphing calculator on this on. Ok, that's not true, but their cackle did make me want to knock over a peanut cart (because who in their right mind is buying peanuts from the peanut cart mid-afternoon?!).

Fine, you got me, the real reason why I have a hate/fear of seagulls is because they fucked with me on my home turf one fateful summer night. I couldn't have been more than 8, enjoying some dinner outside with my family at some nice little seafood restaurant, when I get a little curious and want to walk around a bit. Naturally, I bring my fries with me, because Dad can get a little grabby. I go to eat my first fry and all of a sudden, the god damn queen of all seagulls descends upon me and jacks me of most of my fries. Needless to say, the evening was a definitive wrap. I was confused, covered in snot and tears, and overall defeated by the heartless, malicious bastard that is..the seagull.