The Forbidden Fruit's Gone Bad

Damn you Dick Palmer, damn you!!!!!

I hire you for one fucking week and you wimp out on me. You think I am paying you in beer and pancakes for nothing? Shit. Being CEO is harder than I thought. I just thought it was about coming in late, leaving early, and collecting my bonus. I guess I have to use "motivating tactics." A lure to bring D. Palms back out of his 24 day bender hibernation.

Well here's my go at it. You're going to find out something that women have been wondering for decades (2 to be exact). The way to win my (or any self-respecting guy's heart) aka. the idea of pluses (+++) in a woman. Get your notepads out ladies if you want my heart or want the heart of a much more dateable person than me.

Be: funny, outgoing, low-maintenance, down to hang inside on a Saturday yet be borderline alcoholic, fight fo' yo' man if he needs assistance with a random slag yo' man happened to spill his drink on, be completely in with the idea/concept of Netflix, pretend to be remotely entertained with once a week men's league games, "stop acting like a bitch...dawg".

Smell: good

Eat: meat, whatever food you want while maintaining your figure (not asking a lot here)

Drink: beers, assorted vodka related mixed drinks, "drank", Hawaiian Punch, water after you killed yourself on the elliptical for 1 hour and 45 minutes,

Don't: take up bed space, snore, cry during movies because I'll probably cry too, complain about my lifestyle/life-choices, cheat, talk about other dudes unless you're mentioning they're worse than me at something, be on the UConn Women's basketball team, be taller, have dated a professional athlete/anyone cooler than me, like more than 2 shows on "Bravo."

And that's it ladies. Simple if you ask me. If you're relatively normal, not 6'5, and psycho, you stand a reasonable chance for dating/marrying a good person that's less than or similar to me.

Basically, this was a cry out for Dick Palmer to resume his post as the advice man for the realm of relationships. I swear there's 7 beers and a chocolate chip pancake in your future.