How To Entertain Guests In A Shitty Apartment (But Not Really..)

(UPDATE: Sorry about the confusion on that. The wrong name with the wrong post. It happens to the best of us. Sucks but I recovered, like Arnold S. at the end of Terminator 2)

Here I am sitting at my desk, seven Rolling Rocks at my ankles, a torn dollar bill next to my computer, and a bunch of friends coming to visit this weekend. Oh yea, there is an empty Capri Sun that resembles a small lifeless human body. Really creepy. What I am trying to iterate is that I live in a hole of shit otherwise known as a shithole.

These friends are not expecting much, trust me, but I want them to have a decent time. What allows for a good time you ask? I’ll raise my hand and answer, comfort. Can’t have comfort in a house with no heat. We never renewed our oil and I’ve trapped myself in my room with my space heater for the past 2-3 weeks. I only emerge to forage for food and chill with George Foreman. And to do some real work in the bathroom. Aside from that, I am at this desk with my other crew Rolling Rockz, Ripped $, and Capri-Seezy (I really stretched for these names—took at least 2 minutes of thinking, which is about 300% longer than I think about anything with this blog).

Four guys-one girl. While it sounds like the name of an awful video, these are the people that I need to take care of this weekend. I know it’s going to come down to sacrificing at least a part of my king size bed, which is making me nauseous to say the least. Why people think I am a nice and considerate person, I don’t understand, because there is no way in hell I am sharing that bed. My hospitality meter cuts off there. Yes, this means the only option I am presenting them (without them knowing yet) is to sleep on the floor of a heatless apartment with no pillows/blankets. If you’re thirsty, take your chances with the tap water guys. I’m sorry, we’re just not Brita guys..that shit ain’t baller (or is it? My research hasn’t proven anything to me yet). Food? Hahaha. There’s raw chicken, hamburger meat, and some eggs in there. Knock yourself out. Oh you want to bring someone back? All I’m saying is there are going to be some cold rumps in the morning.

Basically what I am trying to say is, you guys will have a terrible time while in my house. While we are out, it’ll be better, but not really. Consider this the “Welcome Mat” friends!!