Asian Carp aka The Annoying Guy That Squats At Your House Eats Your Food And Hooks Up With Your Girlfriend

^don't ever invite an Asian Carp into your home.

So Time Magazine just named Asian Carp the most invasive animals in the world. I hope they realize what they’ve just won. They have been voted by the most esteemed and respected scientists in the world as the most annoying animal. Time doesn’t mess around with its voting either. When you are “Man of The Year” (my future award), you are going to rub the shit all over the faces of everyone you meet. I’m talking mooning people out of car windows level cocky.

I’m not one to judge, but these animals just look like assholes. There is a distinct look of, “yo man, I hope you don’t mind that I ate that DiGiorno you bought yesterday, I was starving bro” on their face. Key stats on these things: a) they get big as fuck (4 feet, 100lbs) b) they jump out of the water for the sole purpose of maiming people, c) they eat everything (literally everything--boots, old aluminum cans, etc), d) nothing eats them. People are legitimately leaning towards a pre-planned partial genocide of these things. There hasn’t been a pre-planned partial genocide since my essay on why mosquitoes need to be extinct back in ’05…and the Dodo bird (I know what they did to you dawg..you were just misunderstood).

If such an event goes down, sign me up. I’ll have my “I quit” slip in the boss' hand in 3 minutes flat, get my harpoon gun and book a flight to Michigan with the quickness.