"The Popper's Mentality"--A Dateline Investigation

-tons of dudes own this game.


Whether its bubble wrap, a balloon, bottles, or pimples, dudes like to pop shit. I don’t understand why, but it’s like the bro version of catnip. One of the girls that I work with received a package and took out the bubble wrap. It was like throwing a piece of steak in the middle of a pack of wolves. Guys from across the office were smelling blood. When I emerged victorious, there were nothing but scowls and jealousy in the air.

What the hell? I have no idea why I had to have that bubble wrap, but it needed to happen. It really isn’t fun, nor does it relieve stress. If I didn’t get that bubble wrap though, it’d bother me all day. Like, “shit, today would have been awesome if I popped that bubble wrap before lunch.” That’s borderline crazy, but I know I am not alone because every Y chromosome near me went for that shit. In a “Back to the Future” moment, I mentally zoomed back to a young Dub Jeezy (Young Jeezy? Copyright infringement?) during birthday parties. Every guy wanted a god damn balloon for no reason. It was a mini-epidemic. Moms were baffled and dads were shaking their heads, because they knew what was going down. When you were young, you’d fuck around with balloons knowing they could pop, and admittedly that freaked you out, but some part of you wanted that balloon to pop…for no god. damn. reason.

Granted, a young Dub Jeezy was a borderline sexual deviant with no real understanding of right or wrong, but there is something here. Can we get some world renowned sociologist to look into this shit so I can get some answers? Someone sneezes loud and the “Today Show” has Sanjay Gupta on that shit with a box of Kleenex and a bag of Halls. At the least we can grab up Bill Nye? I’m fairly certain he’ll do anything for 10 dollars these days.