HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!!

I want all you out there to have a happy and SAFE new year. Keep in mind, I am saying this knowing full on that there is a 75% chance I am going to legitimately die this weekend. Like, go to New York City during NYE with no definite sleeping location. Nah, but seriously guys, be safe out there. Drink only the recommended amount of alcohol for your size and weight or else you'll be black out by 10:30 and "miss" the celebration for the 4th straight year. Wait, that was just me? Damn. Life reevaluation starts in 2010 folks.

Again, I have a 25% chance of meeting 2010, so if I do make it, I'll have a shit-ton of resolutions starting with...wait for it...getting a new site. Gasp!

See you guys in 2010!

If The Matrix, 2012, And The Minority Report Had One Weird Night, This Would Be The Baby

Frankly, it's cold as shit outside and I made the stupid decision of buying the local 7 Eleven out of all of it's White Castle Cheeseburgers. It's a terrible decision on make on a weekly basis. Normally, I make that play on a drunken night after getting out of the cab and realizing there isn't a god damn morsel of food in my house. When I am making it on a Tuesday mid-evening, things are not good. My judgment is a tad clouded so that made this trailer even more confusing to me.

From what I gather, Leonardo DiCaprio is trying to steal a dreidel that makes water tilt to the side. That's it. I'll pay the $10.50 though since Leo never ceases to deliver. He does the damn thing in all front of life. I've seen the guy hit the 25 point shot in "Rock'n Jock" basketball for crying out loud. So Leo, whatever crazy movie you got planned, I am probably going to watch it. You have reached Andre 3000 status in that whatever you put out will be gold.

Hopefully I'll be there one day. If I ever reach that point, I will test my staying power by coming out with a song (with an accompanying video) titled "The Morning Routine." It'll chronicle the hardships of hearing your alarm, debating suicide, showering, and eventually getting dressed. If the song is anywhere in the Billboard Top 100, I know I am on that Leo and Andre level.

Nintendo's Version Of Pacquiao v. Mayweather

(What I loved best about this is that the first video in the "related videos" section, was "Bad Romance" by Lady Gaga)

I thought this would be an easy one for Mario seeing how Pac-Man is basically a one-trick pony. This Russian interpreter, for some reason, took away Pac-Man's blank coked out stare and gave him a vicious mean streak. Frankly, I feel like Mario won on a technicality because Pac-Man brought the ghosts in. I thought the ghosts and Pac-Man weren't down like that, since, you know, Pac-Man eats them and turns them into points. Points! I digress.

I didn't like how gruesome it got. Sure it was Russian, but I didn't think it was going to end with an impaling and a decapitation. I'm sure things could have been resolved with a star-man or a large orb. What do I know though.

Cobwebs Are Off

I was too busy getting sauced and greeting loved ones to make a post. "My Bad"

For the loyal four people that are still reading this ol' hunk'a junk, I'm back ya'll.

Boston In The Winter Sucks--It Grinds My Gears

-Doesn't look like this at all..

Maybe it's where I currently live, but I feel like Christmas is being half-assed. I see some piss poor Christmas tree lighting down the street and maybe 2-4 street lights in the whole area. How am I supposed to get enthused? This is currently my 5th year in Boston and each year presents the same problem...winter. Granted, I am from the Northeast and snow has been commonplace my entire life, but these are my formative years. Can I at least go to the bar without walking in with my nose running?

I live atop a hill...you can imagine the problem that presents. While I am a tremendous athlete with near superhuman balance, you can't expect me not to have a few "close-calls" out there. Close calls meaning that slip where your foot kicks up a little higher than expected off the ground and you mutter a soft, yet terrified "whoaa nelly" (everyone does it), recover yourself, and look around to see if anyone saw. Of course someone sees, you then play it off, try to walk, faster and do it again. I hit the vicious circle on my god damn walk to work. And now, to get my Jerry Seinfeld on...

What's the deal with snowflakes? I've never seen one that looked cool. They are, in fact jagged. It's not fun and games when snow falls and one of those sharp bastards kamikazes into your retina. Now you're having close calls, blinded in one eye. Not a good look.

It's cold as balls out all the time. Like no breaks. If part of your arm is exposed under your coat, you are weighing the pros and cons of death. That's not a way to live. This leads me to my next point. Girls. The female "uniform" emerges. As my friend, and fellow blogger Andy stated, "every girl looks the same in a North Face." It's depressing, but true because 97% of girls connect mentally and say, "let's all wear our North Face fleece, black tights, and brown Uggs and act like we're warm and still hot." Doesn't work. If we have to have snot come out of our nose, you guys lose your individuality. Tough shit.

There is plenty more to gripe about, but I am attempting to pound out season 4 of Dexter, eat a sandwich and post at the same time. Something's gotta give.

Good night.

The Michael Jordan Of Games That Will Ruin Your Child's Christmas And Subsequently Scar Him/Her For Life

Kudos to you if you can speak words after watching this. Hell, kudos if you made it through the entire video. I was in when that old school started playing, but I was quickly out when the creature that only has one pupil with a surrounding eyeball ate the remote. What the hell is wrong with the Wii? First that very questionable "Beat Up The Guy That Jacked My Protein" game and now this Furby-Gremlin hybrid?

Wii execs are kind of like that guy who has been on such a hot streak with ladies. He brings hotties on the regular and knows that he can say and do no wrong. The fishing-with-dynamite concept. Wii brings home a couple dimes (Wii Fit, Mario, etc), then thinks, "you know, I am already an established stud and I don't really want to put in the effort tonight..ehh, I'll take home a dog."

While that analogy was long-winding and possibly made no sense, we are watching you Wii. We saw you create this game. You can't chalk this one up to being too drunk either, because you fucking thought long and hard enough to create a game where the remote (?) eats..the remote?

I have no idea what's happening. What happened to Duck Hunt and Battle Toads?

2009 Was...Well...Mehhh

If you put a gun to my head and ask me all of my memories of this year, it'd pretty much come down to celebrity deaths, and winning my first intramural championship, and, oh yea, crying like a bitch on my graduation day why parents and onlookers pointed and laughed..ahem. This video sums up why this year will get about 13 good minutes on VH1's eventual "I Love The 2000s"(or I love the 00s?, those marketing guys are shitting their pants). What a dud to end a pretty huge decade.

I'll remember 2009 as the year my life effectively ended. It'll also go down as the time I blacked out for 7 months and wrote a blog. Oh well, cheers to 2009 anyway.


It's like that shitty child that you're obligated to love since it was a big part of your life, but in the greater scheme of things, was still really shitty.

Strangest Commercial Ever

This is like some shit off the "Reading Rainbow." A lot of colors and strange things happening, with terrible, god awful acting occurring in the background. Kevin Garnett commercials are becoming more and more unbelievable. There is no way KG can interact with another human(s) without dropping a few mother-f-bombs. It's unrealistic, like some one shot him with a tranquilizer dart and gave him some blind instructions. I was also convinced Derrick Rose couldn't speak.

It's clear here that Adidas is desperate to compete with Nike, so they enlisted the help of the craziest man in the league and the NBA's version of Brick. Can't knock the hustle, but you'll never see Dubby McJeez rockin' the stripes.

Kid Cudi Just Wil'n Out

I wish I was like Ron Artest and Kid Cudi. I could just punch all my problems away and drink Hennessey in the bathroom during halftime of my work league games. The world don't work like that. So, it looks like Cudi is off that Lady Gaga tour (aka the tour that would have made him a lot of money) and he will now be deemed as a violent rapper.

The stoner-psychedelic music of Kid Cudi will resonate with a man of violence, while The Game can rap about getting shot even MORE times than 50 and be seen dressed like this (rappers don't marry the girls they impregnate...duhh).

2012 is upon us.

Bro-Tiger

Clearly, I got nothing on this tiger. He looks to not only have the Penny Hardaway shoes on, but he's rockin' the Sperrys in case he has to get on a boat soon. "Oh, don't worry about finding a set of keys the get the shotty goin', I gots fangsss"

Sweet shades too. Guy gets tons of ass. Merry Christmas Bro-Tiger

Christmas Hero?

Can't tell if this is the nerdiest thing I have ever seen or the coolest thing. That's never good. I can tell you that in some circles this family is the shit and for others, they are officially black-balled from all neighborhood functions. Whatever though, any publicity is good publicity.

This reminds me, I used to play Rock Band like all the time. Really, all the time. In boxer shorts, glasses, with the microphone dangling from a shelf held up by the weight of a clothing iron...I miss that game.


If you can't sense it yet, it's Christmas time. Break out the mistletoe bitchesss.

The Middle School Dance That Is Life...

-I think they are waltzing? Definitely have to get on my shit and stop booty scraping all over Boston bars and nightclubs--what up Juiceman?! Haha

Let's break down the middle school dance sociology for a second. Of course we are going to break it down from the perspective of a young, suave, 8th grade Dub Jeezy.

I wake up the day of the dance in a cold sweat, near the point of pissing my pants, because guess what? I have to dance with a girl that night. Who prepared me for this? Damn sure wasn't Cinemax. School is just a god damn minefield on dance day (D-day? Normandy? I'll stop), with most of the kids walking on egg shells, rethinking their dates and shit (and realizing that you don't have a date because you would have thrown up if you asked her). While I was the man, I was definitely unable to put together a snazzy outfit. My mother re-edited my digs like 4 times. Just straight disappointed in her kid, fearing for her possibilities as a grandmother. I then loaded on some awful cologne, got there and definitely blacked out.

That is like a memory I can't recall for the life of me. There was no punch to spike and still there is no recollection of the events of that night. I vaguely recall accidentally touching a butt and getting the hell out of there. It was the fuckin' Civil War out there. Guys manning one side and girls running this town on the other. Obviously you had the weirdos sprinkled in there dancing their asses off, but they didn't represent a blip on the radar. It was a problem then and now that I realize it, it's a problem now.

While I have improved my women skills over the years, one thing is still for certain. Guys will always be on one side and girls on the other. Always has been that way, always will. First girls had cooties (which I fully believed to be a real disease, check my 3rd grade journal), then girls were hot, but your feet were made of stone so you couldn't walk to them. Next, girls recognized their attractiveness and used it to their advantage, making us (guys) jump through hoops/buy expensive things/act a damn fool for them, now guys and girls at my specific age have a force field around each other so neither side knows what the hell to do. It's like a prison break at this stage. Some make it out and some just stay in the prison walls. I'm currently the guy digging his way out of his cell with a plastic spoon. No expectations just hope out here in the concrete jungle. Sure one day, I'll have a breakthrough, but overall, early 20s is the fight of your life. There's no telling what's around the corner and you have to make things happen or they won't happen at all.

Needless to say, I have a metal spoon now, and I have been pounding through DVDs of Oz. Night ya'll.

H&M...What A Store.

(The French writing makes me more likely to purchase from them)

In the "I swear I am not gay" defense of the year (not that anything is wrong with that, I just don't want to deter my adoring (LOLZ) female fans) I spent an inordinate amount of time perusing and making several purchases from the H&M store.

Before you toss the purple flag, you must realize that I have never been to one of these stores during any part of my grand existence. Frankly, I thought it was a women's store. It's not far off. Walking in you see mostly womens clothes, a strong majority of gay men, and (strangely) old women that look confused just being there. Myself and my buddy were in the strong minority. My apprehensiveness was instantly removed by the playing of the classic party romp "Just Dance." That's when everyone bonded and let their guard down. We were all just customers at that point, with some of us liking V-neck shirts and skinny jeans more than others. I think the store brought everyone to a solid metro-sexual level. The gay guys became a little more straight and the straight guys..gulp..became a little more gay.

Say what you want about that establishment, but you show me a place where I can get 2 quality T-shirts, a nice scarf, and some gloves for like $18. Don't give me that CVS or Dollar Store bullshit either. Three Wendy's meals=my purchase (It really is sad that I base my life purchases on fast food meals, i.e.-I was going to buy a video game, but thought to myself "man, that's like 12 Big Mac meals, I probably should hold off." I am going to die young). Where was I? Oh yea, H&M. Good store, go in there with an open mind and you may come out surprised with a little more change in your pocket for let's say...a...Quarter Pounder?!

I feel like this should be a permanent disclaimer, but I am not drunk. And no Lance, I'm not gay!

Let Us Commence The Weekend With Fisherman Bloopers...

EMBED-Outtakes From Bill The Fishing Guy - Watch more free videos

Hilarious.

My company's holiday party is Saturday. Next time I blog I may not have a job due to my actions on said evening. Anywayssss, have a great weekend everyone and try to stay warm.

In Honor Of The One And Only..A.I.

Tell me this video doesn't give you chills. Frankly anything with this song tied to it will get some tears in my eyes. Teletubbies scenes with this song, tears. Watching the theme song to "Family Matters" with this song..waterworks. God damn symphony orchestras, they get me every time.

A.I. is back in a 76ers uniform and I couldn't be more happier.


Probably the most epic basketball highlight video though:

Is Andy Samberg The Only Character On SNL?

If you haven't seen this yet check it out. The Shy Jeezy video will be videotaped this Saturday at my company's business party. Just wait until the pretty girl leaves the room, then it's SHY JEEZY, BITCH, STRAIGHT RUNNIN' SHIT.

Uhhmmm...just check out the video.

Tiger Tiger Woods Ya'll (If You Were Like 4-6 Years Old)

I was never great with Legos. I swallowed a bunch of key pieces and things never really came to fruition after that. I had my moments with those "ship" shaped Lego's re-enacting the Battle of Normandy and sweet shit like that. Never have I had a moment like this.

Where were my Hummer pieces though? I feel like George Mikan runnin' shit in the NBA in the 50s. Take me out of the early 90s and throw me with the modern Legos and I'll crumble. I'd try to lodge the Hummer Lego down my throat and inevitably die. That's why some players (people) are meant for certain times.

...I rarely have an idea what I am writing.

I Think "Terminator" Was Warning Us About Google The Whole Time

At first glance this video is pretty sick and revolutionary, but when you let it sit for a few minutes you have to be a little creeped out.

Search "Dub Jeezy" on Google and who knows what real time search results will bring up. I'm like 24020100 steps away from being a trending topic on Twitter and that scares me. I don't want the whole world knowing how many girls want me and how many guys want to be me. We have to leave something to the imagination Google.

Google aka Skynet, I have my eyes on you.



DISCLAIMER: I didn't mean anything I just wrote in the event that you would ever offer me a job doing anything within your company. This includes, but is not limited to cleaning keyboards and the insides of computer mice. If you don't ever offer me a position in the future, the post stands. So there!

What Are The Odds Nintendo Knows This Was Made?

From what I gathered through the frantic Japanese rambling, the game's premise follows 4 muscle clad protagonists chasing after a presumed football player. The reason? The football player stole their protein powder. A killable offense by all accounts, but do you really make a game out of it. That's kind of something you handle on the down low.

Now tell me, for real, is this the wackiest game you've ever seen, because it sure is for me.


The game does create a great new adage:

"If you can't make the pose, you can't run through the wall in front of you"

...err something.

Have A Retro Weekend Courtesy Of The Cleveland Cavaliers

My theory has proved incorrect that Zydraunas Ilgauskas actually contributes to the team socially. Who would have thunk?

Have a great weekend everyone and pretend that white stuff we see coming out of the sky isn't snow.

This Crazy, Zany Blog Inspired Two Other Blogs

When I started up this crazy idea to make a blog, some people were telling me it was a good idea and some were telling me it was a terrible idea. Two of those people that liked what I was doing and enjoyed reading what I had to say took the initiative and made their own blog. It is a great feeling to know this rag tag idea inspired people to really go out there and chase what they want to do.

Blog #1: My Domain My Claims--Focuses primarily on the sports and entertainment world with a humorous tone and in-depth analysis. Here's an excerpt:

Previous Ron Artest Actions Explained:

What can you say to Ron Artest..The guy has done it all. He once pulled down Paul Pierce's shorts mid-game because he couldn't stop him. He punched out fans after an altercation escalated between him and Ben Wallace. He took a seat in the stands after the Rockets won over the Trail Blazers in a playoff series. The list just keeps going...So here's to you Ron. continue reading

Blog #2: Spellgirl--This blog chronicles the day-to-day experience of a freshman college girl attending Saint Lawrence University in Canton, NY. Excerpt:

Last CBL day was today.

I have to say, I was kind of sad to leave. But I got a big chocolate bar for helping out, so I wasn't too upset. Also, I did a good deed by dropping one of my passengers off at the dorm (our dorm, Reiff, is across campus from where I have to park, so I was nice enough to drop her at the dorm before parking the car... Secretly, it's because I don't like having to walk back across campus with people awkwardly, haha... unless it's a cute guy, then maybe I'll make an exception, haha). continue reading.

--These two were instrumental to me getting this far in my blog and I want to show my appreciation for what they've done for me. Check 'em out.

A Rough Depiction Of Every Sunday

See more funny videos and funny pictures at CollegeHumor.

Pure genius. I'm marching my way up the hill to get on their level.

I Need A Checklist For This Bad Boy

If I had the resources, I would do a live webcam eating of this sandwich for you all to see. Ok, you got me, I have the resources, but I don't want you guys to watch what would happen as I attempted to eat a triple baconator. I once ate the regular baconator and missed Tuesday-Thursday of that week. Shit is no laughing matter.

If I were to do this, I would need a few things:

1) A toilet--I don't want to explain.

2) Defibrillator--Just to play with, I think these things are sweet. Pfft, me have a heart attack? I'm in awesome shape.

3) 32ozs of Fruitopia--nothing tops off saturated fat like high fructose corn syrup.

4) My Mother--If I cry, it's all good.

5) The Wendy's equivalent of the Burger King crown--If i'm going to do this shit, I will need some sort of memorabilia to showboat to my children before my untimely heart related death in the year 2022.

The coolest form of suicide this way of the Mississippi, ladies and gentleman, the Triple Baconator.

Can I Get A Call Ref?

Come on. I can't make a Sour Patch Kids wrapper in the garbage 3 feet away from me and LeBron's throwing footballs in hoops from 90 feet away.

In the game of life, I feel like I am getting Tim Donaghy'd.

Can We Sign This Kid As 3rd String QB on the Jets?

If that were me in high school I would have gotten the rebound and not shot it because that'd ruin my shooting percentage and that ain't baller. Jokes aside, I wouldn't have been able to do a one arm chuck from that distance and even have it close to drawing iron. I'd have to do some running, borderline traveling two handed heave to even have a chance (I did hit a shot from the opposite 3 point line in a game before).

This kid literally has a rifle for an arm. I don't know how it's even conceivable that this kid is not dating the homecoming queen/hot cheerleader/both. This is what living the dream and where "living in the past" develops.

I Need To Somehow Incorporate This Guy Into My Everyday Life

Waffles McFuckin Butter, where the hell have you been all my life? Why hasn't a cartoon been made about your misadventures with various other breakfast sidekicks? Sausage Linkskin and Bacon O'Slice sound about right. Am I drunk? No. I am just a man with a vision.

I don't get Dubs McB at all though. He's wearing a Santa hat and apparently a blue speed suit that wraps around a waffle-shaped body. Tons of confusion coupled with a bunch of joy and happiness basically sums up my boy Waffles. Imagine going to a bar with this guy. No chance for you to pick up a girl.

Once I learn how to draw and handle legal issues with the person who created Dubbie McButter-man, expect to see my name in connection with the creator/producer/guy in the McButter suit in the credits.

The future is coming. And his name is Waffles