I don't Eff with this shit.
1) I'll openly admit that scary pumpkins shivered me timbers when I was a youth and threw just enough salt on my Halloween swag. (Note: I did have swag, but it was the moment my 4th grade nemesis pointed out my fear of Jack-ass-O-Lanterns, that the swag was vacuumed out of my soul like a ghost getting sucked into the Ghostbusters' ghost trap (apparently they sell these?)
2) I have never cracked the AP Top 25 for cool Halloween Costumes, with my worst being me dressed as, you guessed it, a giant god damn pumpkin. My mom tuned out a lot of what I said. Ahem.
3) I've recorded a league leading 7 pumpkin carving related injuries in 7 years of cutting pumpkins. Mine always ended up looking depressed instead of scary...and I had bloody hands usually. Was I emo?!
4) Since the beginning of my great existence, no matter where I am or who I am with, it is my god damn job to get rid of/and or clean the mess of an old ass Halloween pumpkin when it is rotting and sending off terrible odors in mid-December.
Pumpkin pie, though, is straight.
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