Got A Massage From A Dude Today

Before you Megatron-pause me on this one hear me out. It was a little gay, but since my work is awesome and I am awesome (devious combo), I and 15 others were randomly selected to get a free massage from FitCorp downstairs. Naturally, my hot girl masseuse fantasy came out and I was pumped for it. I see a line when I get there and think to myself "I wonder what this hot chick is doing to that girl in there with the door closed for the last 15 minutes" and I prance my ass around waiting for my turn. Apparently there was clear and audible chatter that a dude was doing the massages, but I guess I blocked it out with my hot girl masseuse fantasy. My turn to go...

I get in there and see some brooding fellow with an "Edguardo" name-tag on. God dammit. I go in for the handshake (?) because that's what you do before you get intimate with another guy I suppose. This man literally crushes my hand and tells me to take a seat in the massage chair. I'm freaking out right now. The incredible hulk is plotting some shit I don't even understand behind me and I am powerless to do anything.

15 minutes later.

I am humming the chorus of "Best I Ever Had" and strutting out of the room like it's nobody's business. I thought to myself, what are the odds that if it was a girl, I would have hooked up with her? My brain calculator was creating fake numbers to describe to me the odds. She probably would have been dainty and I wouldn't have had my back feeling like A Milli. Edguardo on the other hand left me feeling ready to run a marathon. I didn't know I had a back problem until this man exposed my flaws. Shit was bananas, B-A-N-A-N-A-S....Pause.