Frankenbug, Sammy, and A Parakeet.....

^sneaky hilarious animal.

When I was a little kid, I used to work at the Bronx Zoo. It was an awful job. I parked baby strollers (?) for the new ape exhibit. Needless to say, I hated everything about it. The one thing I can always fall back on was the fact that I could just walk around and see the animals when things got stressful. This inevitably led to a whole thing where I fell in love with animals and wanted to be a zoologist. Gay.

Oh, how times have changed. Fast forward 9 years and meet me in Allston, MA, the strangest area in the continental United States. Only living here for about 2 months, I have encountered shit that I am positive I will never see again.

The first shower I took in my house was a legitimate problem. Upon looking down, I saw this potential insect running around ruining the ambience I created pre-shower. The reason I call this a potential insect is because it looked like the Frankenstein of all things buggy and gross. It was hairy, wing-ed, colorful, while clearly having a stinger, fangs, and 1437 (yes an odd number) of legs. I am naked, confused, and scared. An overall position no man ever wants to find himself in. I scanned the bathroom for the best weapon I could find, which turned out to be a toilet paper roll. Sweet. I decided to concede this battle and hoped that this treacherous beast would spare my toes. Watching its path, I saw that it took a trip to the corner of the bathroom, which was appropriate for it since that area was gross as shit. And low and behold, a CLEAR spider comes out of a small hole and pulls Frankenbug in. At this point I am not in the bathroom, but in my bed under the covers piecing together what transpired. That is just the tip of the iceberg in Allston.

After a rare productive day in which me and some of the roommates finished playing basketball and working out, we came back to the house only to see the unthinkable happening. Let me preface what we saw by saying there is missing cat in the neighborhood named “Sammy”, a black cat with white spots. Cute bastard. His cute value instantly plummeted when we saw him and a presumably female cat aggressively fornicating. Here we are assuming Sammy would help us with the neighborhood rat problem and instead, he’s over here getting his (X-rated) Pepe Le Pew on. God dammit Sammy.

Perhaps the strangest of all events happened two days ago. Walking back from my crutch (aka McDonald’s) my buddy and I see a small thing in the middle of the street ahead. He makes the outlandish claim of, “is that a parakeet in the middle of the street?” I instantly view that as a stupid, dumb, asinine question. As we got closer, I realized he was right. There was a parakeet CHILLIN’ (and I can’t stress how much it was hanging out) in the street. As confused as we were, we tried to save it. Funny fact about those things—they can only move sideways. I’m sure you can imagine how hilarious it is to chase something that can only move sideways, but I digress. It gave a half-hearted attempt at flying away and went back to its original spot. Clearly owning the street and intimidating us, my friend and I went home, confused and eerily scared.

At 5:45 today I will probably see something that will top it all. But until then, I am anxiously awaiting to get back to home sweet home.